Post # 17
I would be wary of ascribing motives to your Future Mother-In-Law before having an actual conversation.
Are you, personally, acquainted with these women you want her to invite? If not, consider it from their position. They’re being asked to attend a party, whose sole purpose is the giving of gifts, for someone they’ve never met. This on top of whatever expenses are associated with attending the wedding, however minimal. I can see how that might be a bit awkward for all involved.
Post # 18
I understand where you’re coming from, but I personally would lean more towards your FMIL’s side on this one. If my Future Mother-In-Law had wanted to invite friends who I barely knew to MY shower, I would not have been all that happy. Showers are traditionally for close friends and family. Perhaps she also didn’t want to add to the headcount for the shower.
Post # 19
I can see why you feel like, “why are these people so close to you that you need to invite them to the wedding, but not close enough to invite to the shower?” But I agree with people who say to respect her wishes, and don’t invite them.
First if you go beind her back and simply invite people from your wedding list, it will not sit well with Future Mother-In-Law. And your relationship with her, is more important than these other women who you might never see again. You don’t want to start on the wrong foot.
Also, while I’m sure it’s tempting to contemplate why she might not want to invite them (is she being snooty? She’s going to someone else’s shower) try to give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she does know the bride better than her friends know you. Maybe she doesn’t want to go, and wishes they didn’t invite her, but feels obligated. IDK. But try not to read too much into it. It won’t help the situation.
And just to make sure, I think some posters might have the etiquette backwards. You’re supposed to invite everyone who’s invited to the shower, to the wedding. You are not required to invite everyone from the wedding, to the shower. I believe that’s regardless of local or Out of Town. In fact from what I’ve read on showers, they are supposed to be relatively small. I think the numbers are no more than 40. (Although I personally can see showers a bit larger. How do you compare gals with a small family vs. a large family?) But inviting every female who is going to the wedding, to the shower, can come across as gift grabby. If your Future Mother-In-Law and her friends are wedding etiquette junkies, and you’re having a large shower, maybe she feels like they’ll frown on being invited.
But if for nothing else, I would not invite them, to stay in your FMIL’s good graces.
Post # 20
There’s no question – I certainly wouldn’t invite them against her wishes. It’s a small wedding (around 60) and a small shower (around 15). I guess I’m just having bridal stress syndrome. As it is, about 70% of the total guest list for the wedding are her friends and family. But to not have even one person – not even a family member, other than the daughter who is in the wedding just strikes me as odd. I don’t even care about gifts – it’s totally the principle of the thing. Of course, this is probably just my way of expressing my overall exasperation at the overall Mother-In-Law pains – like having to figure out what to feed her gluten-free vegan friend who “may not” like mushrooms.