(Closed) MIL Drama… She owes FI $$$$

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
387 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@shannonh32:  That is an awful situation, I can’t imagine. I know you are really upset with every right to be, but I think you should let your Fiance handle it. Fortunately he is able to put the payment on his credit card and while it isn’t ideal, at least you are not in a situation where you wouldn’t be able to have your wedding at all. Don’t fight with him about it – just make it crystal clear that he must  a) get her off of all of his accounts (seriously?!?!?) immediately and b) work with his mother to come up with a payment plan to pay off the balance owed – to be paid in full immediately upon receipt of the settlement. + The interest incurred on his credit card.

Don’t let it ruin this special time in your life, and don’t hold a grudge! Keep us posted on how things work out!

Post # 4
5072 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

first thing – get her name off his account!! Today!

Post # 5
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

View original reply
@MissCoCo:  I agree with this. At the risk of ruining any relationship you have/ever will have with your Future Mother-In-Law, trust your fiance to handle it. Get her off your accounts, and make sure you change all of your passwords to things that she might have access to.

Post # 7
9024 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Yes get her name of your account firstly

I dont think asking her to pawn her jewelry is the answer though. I think your Fiance is right is saying he will pay it with his credit card. That is the best damage control.  I think the best thing you can do is not give her anymore money. There is no way to force her to pay and gettin stressed out about it doesnt solve anything but definitely dont give her anymore money that you cant afford to. I think her depression has made her selfish and she doesnt realize that other people have needs too and that you guys need your money back

Post # 8
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Another vote for “your fiance has to handle this.”  You need to have a serious talk with your finace as to HOW he will handle it, though, as his financial relationship with his mother has a direct impact on your finances as a couple. In general, never loan money that you can’t afford to not have returned, especially when it comes to family. If that means your fiance has to just write off the money his mother has already borrowed, so be it. If she’s not got the money to repay it, she’s not got the money, and while in theory she could pawn her possessions, #1 she will need to pawn a LOT more stuff than you might imagine to reach the full total of what she owes your fiance and #2 she will probably resent being forced to do that forever.

I would most definitely insist that your fiance remove himself as the guarantor of her overdraft protection, and do that immediately; and if he insists on continuing to lend her money, you as a couple should agree to a monthly maximum that you can live without.

Post # 10
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I would have your Fiance talk to his mom and get a signed letter from her lawyer about the settlement and when it is coming due. She probably already got and spent it. Then have him workout a payment plan with her in person. It could be $20 a week, whatever she can afford. 

The next thing to do is have your Fiance put it in writing that he will never lend another dime to his mother ever again. Ever. 


Post # 11
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I was always told to consider “loans” to family and friends to actually be “gifts”. Never, ever expect for them to be paid back. If they are, it’s a pleasant surprise. 

So consider it that your Fiance gave your Future Mother-In-Law a very nice $3,200 gift. This should cover you for Christmas and Birthdays for the next 20 years.

Your problem is with you Fiance. Make sure he understands this too, and that if you come to a point where you are merging funds, he can no longer gift someone without your approval.

Post # 12
5950 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

You cannot get in between a man and his mother, but you sure as hell can step in between her and his money…I understand that everyone falls on hard times and that family is the first place we turn, which is how it should be.  I never loan money to anyone with the expectation that I will get it back, so I only loan what I can afford to loose and if they do actually pay me back I am pleasantly surprised.  First things first, get her name off of every account your Fiance has now!  Second, you talk to the bank manager about them draining his accounts for her mistakes, they might consider transferring it back since techinically she had no right to that money. Third, stop calling her and get over to that house pronto…it’s a lot harder to ignore someone and the reality of your actions on them when they’re pouding on the door….Finally, you let her know, without being cruel or judgemental, just how much you need that money from her.

Hopefully your Fiance is ready to break away from her and turn towards you, it’s wonderful that he wants to help his mother, but when that comes at the expense of his and your financial well-being, a line must be drawn. 

Post # 14
93 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I kind of disagree with the saying to not loan money that you cant afford to lend when it comes to very close family. Sometimes we have to trust that people won’t screw us over. And often times it’s harder to watch someone struggle than break one of these golden money “rules”.

That being said, I guess the only option that you have at this point is to put it on your credit card. Obviously it goes without saying that I wouldn’t loan this woman another dime. Now she will have to pay the piper, in more ways than one! She is wrecking her relationship with you and your Fiance. She is, not you. I say this because the funny thing is that in the future (if she doesn’t pay) I can bet that she will attempt to make you and Fiance out to be the bad guys. “They want money back that I borrowed, and I am still broke! Can you believe them?!”  I only know because Fiance and I are going through the same thing with his sister. I question if your FMIL  has gotten her tax money, and the settlement money already and has just chosen not to pay. (Only because we found out that FI’s sister came into money and chose to do other things with her money than pay us back. IE: buying a coach purse, and sneakers, booking a long weekend vacation at a B&B for herself and hubby…)  People are very selfish, and take advantage of the generosity of other people. Which is sad, because when they need help again in the future-there will be no where to turn because of burnt bridges and unpaid loans!

Hence why I say that your Future Mother-In-Law will have to pay the piper in more than one way: money-wise and emotionally.

It sounds like this hurts you more to see your Fiance stressed, than to lose out on the money. And I get that because of course his feelings are important to you. It’s just terrible that you have this wedding to pay for, and she is refusing to do everything within her power to get you two the money she knows you need. Not to say that $2300 isn’t a lot of money (because of course it is) I am just thankful for you that this wasn’t a larger amount that you had loaned her. I feel so bad, and sorry that you have to deal with this. As the old saying goes “No good deed goes unpunished.” 

Post # 15
1963 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

This really sucks. I canunderstand this would be soooo frustrating! I don’t think pawning jewelry is the answer though. She will beresentful if she has to give up items that have emotional value to her, and honestly you don’t get much pawning jewelry. It probably won’teven come close to paying what’s owed so I would drop that idea right now.

Post # 16
2296 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

OP, i think you need to go straight to the source – not his mother, the lawyer. she clearly has no idea when the settlement is coming in, or it already has, or it never will. but her lawyer knows. Ask for a letter from the lawyer stating when the money will arrive and how much. He/she will not be able to tell you without the mother giving the ok, which she should (ahem) have no problem with since ‘it’s coming so soon….’

that will force the issue. either she CAN or CAN’T deliver the letter with credible info. and don’t let her give you some BS word document without a signature, and once you get it, call the office to discuss the letter with the lawyer (even if it’s to confirm the info) so that you know he/she wrote it.

the next step is to detail what payment plan she will make to you. on paper, and have her sign it. not so much for legal reasons, but so that she knows it’s serious and that she’s a party to the agreement. there should be consequences for missing deadlines (ie 30 dollar fee for missing it by a week, 20% of the payment if it’s over 10 days late etc) and MAKE her stick to it.

it also sounds like you have a lot of contact with her. once you do these things, i would seriously reduce it. take away the attention she seems to enjoy and hopefully after the phone hasn’t rung from you in days she’ll think ‘damn, they’re mad, i better make this right’

money and family do not mix!

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