MIL driving me crazy

posted 7 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
47203 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Water Melon :  People can only take advantage of you to the extent that you let them.

Post # 3
Member
9720 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Nothing changes if nothing changes. If you and your husband want to change how your Mother-In-Law impacts your life you will have to be the ones to change (set hard boundaries, go no-contact if necessary, absolutely cut off all financial help). If you aren’t willing to make changes you are just contributing to your own misery because she’s never going to change.

Post # 4
Member
2714 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

You have to start saying no.  No, I won’t be inviting those people to DH’s birthday party – if you want to invite them you can throw your own party.  No, I won’t be loaning you money.  No, we won’t be paying your credit card bills.  Also, if you’re on Reddit, r/justnomil is a very helpful sub.

Post # 5
Member
3450 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

If you guys continue to be doormats, she will continue to walk all over you. This will never get better on her end. Hopefully you two will soon decide you’ve had enough and start putting some boundaries in place. Otherwise, you’ll have a very difficult life moving forward. 

Post # 6
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

MiniMeow :  I fully agree with this. 

It is up to you to set boundaries and stick to them. She can’t add people to a list that you don’t give her to her to add to. She can’t take money from you to support her gambling habit if you don’t give it to her.

Have a serious conversation with your husband, come up with boundaries, and stick to them. I know it’s tough, but in the long run it’s much better for your own mental health as well as the health of your marriage.  

Post # 7
Member
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

A- you shouldn’t have asked for her input.

B-When she gave you the list of extra people you should have said a simple, “thanks for the input” and left it at that. If she asked if you were going to invite them all a simple, “the guest list is only 25 so I’ll look it over”. If she went on about how she wanted them there and she was close to them, “I’ll keep them in mind for your next birthday party”. If she said, but I’ll pay, “thanks for your generosity we couldn’t impose this is something I am doing on my own for him. 

I don’t know why you would need to go full no contact yet, just start by A-not asking her and B- start telling her no. Sorry we don’t have the money for that, maybe, boyfriend’s name can help you out.

Post # 8
Member
977 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

OP and DUH need to go no contact because this woman is not normal–she is like a devil possessing (or trying to possess) her husband.

Say no. Back off. Call her out every single time she touches your husband (she’s marking her territory). “Don’t touch Bill like that, Sally–it’s weird/strange/sick/perverted”–make the language stronger until he gets it and she stops. Change your locks if she has a key. Block her on everything. Don’t answer the door. Don’t take her calls.

Most importantly, never give her another dime–cancel the credit cards, get off the loan.

He’s probably going to need some therapy to heal from having been inhabited by a devil.

Also, Google DWIL–they will help you. They’ve seen it all, they tell the truth, and they’ll be on your side supportively.

Post # 9
Member
1360 posts
Bumble bee

cassandra7 :  “He’s probably going to need some therapy to heal from having been inhabited by a devil.”

Wait, what…?

Post # 10
Member
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

You need much stronger boundaries with her and also, start enforcing these boundaries!

No more financial handouts – if she gambles her money away and can’t afford groceries, let her deal with it. She knows exactly what she’s doing and there is a reason she doesn’t want her boyfriend to know.

With regards to her inappropriate behaviour around your husband, both you AND your husband need to call her out on it. 

Post # 12
Member
977 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

DeniseSecunda :  “Inhabited”–“possessed”–I don’t see much difference. And she’s been doing her best to own him, control him–time, presence, money, body.

That’s his “normal.” Professional help in resetting his expectations and boundaries would probably be v. beneficial.

Post # 13
Member
1360 posts
Bumble bee

cassandra7 :  Calling her a “devil” isn’t helpful (and is absurd to boot). Therapists can’t help with devils; she’d need a priest for that. And now we’ve gotten far away from the actual problems at hand, so your inflammatory, extremist language actually serves to mask the real problems that exist in this woman, in OP (who allows herself to be taken advantage of), and OP’s husband. OP needs to begin thinking critically about her situation, but critical thinking won’t keep the devil away. 

Post # 14
Member
977 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

Denise, it was a metaphor, based on “possessive” and “possessed.”

Post # 15
Member
6498 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I know you didn’t want to hear this, OP, but your Dh really needs to set the boundaries on touching and money. If you flip out when she touches him inappropriately, it will look odd – like you are somehow jealous towards her. HE needs to be the one to make it clear that it makes him uncomfortable or she won’t stop. As it stands, it sounds like he’s NOT uncomfortable, so you may have to let this one go (as weird as it is).

And even if you turn her down when she asks for money, it won’t do any good if your Dh will give it to her. Realistically, he allowed her to ruin his credit, so he really shouldn’t have much say as far as where your family money goes, anyway. But because it is impacting his life going forward, the two of you need to put a solid end to the loans/gifts if you are going to get to a financially healthy place.

And when you’re a people pleaser, it IS hard to say no. But you need to remind yourself what the worst thing that could happen would be. Mother-In-Law is angry? Mother-In-Law doesn’t contact you guys for a while? Mother-In-Law tells people you won’t loan her money to gamble? Realistically, how awful are any of those things? You need to get over the idea that her being angry with you is a punishment. It is a natural consequence in this case of you refusing to be a doormat, so it would be a GOOD sign. She only controlled the guest list for your party because you let her, so you need to say no. The more you do it, the easier it will get.

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