Post # 1
I grew up without a motherly figure, so I find myself constantly trying to seek my MIL’s approval. I’ve spent a lot of money over the years buying my Mother-In-Law jewelry and taking her out to lunch and dinner. Also, I find myself dropping whatever I’m doing when she calls either to hear her vent or if she needs a good laugh. I have always enjoyed her company.
Since my Brother-In-Law and his girlfriend started dating (it’s been about a year), there is always drama – they usually break up once or twice a month. I normally try my best to stay out of it (I’ll see the drama all over social media or his Girlfriend will go over to my inlaws’ house and bash my Brother-In-Law and I’ll hear about it from my Mother-In-Law venting).
Well whenever they get back together, my in-laws pull out the red carpet for her. In under a year, they have bought her a puppy, a professional camera, jewelry, and taken her out to expensive dinners. Not that I should expect it, but they have never done any of that for me since I’ve been with my husband (5 years). My BIL’s girlfriend will tend to brag to my face whenever we’re in a room alone.
In their most recent breakup/makeup, my Mother-In-Law called me up and basically demanded that we give his gf our washer and dryer because she needs one and she’ll buy us a new one. My husband and I were honestly irritated. We work hard for what we have and we appreciate what we got, so we put our foot down.
My Mother-In-Law also tends to get on me about my weight if I ever mention any physical fitness activity or healthy food because I’m plus size. It gives me the impression that she’s embarrassed that I’m so overweight where as my BIL’s girlfriend literally looks like an Instagram model, and she goes out with her often.
I do my best to smile, but at times it does get to me and it stresses me out. Do any of you ladies have a similar issue?
Post # 2
norsequeen90 : I’m sorry, but you need to stop trying so hard. Stop being a doormat to your Mother-In-Law. She doesn’t have the same respect for you that you do for her, and is favoring your Brother-In-Law GIRLFRIEND over you, her daughter in law.
Post # 3
Shoot4theMoon : agreed.
norsequeen90 : sounds like you yearn for a mother figure, and are vulnerable in this area, as you mentioned. I know it hurts because you thought you had a good relationship with her, but now you see her true colors. Either she is very shallow (due to looks), or her and the girlfriend click better and she’s leaving you in the dust. Either way, you should not keep being a doormat to her because she doesn’t value you in the same way as you value her. Now that you know her character you should refrain from having that relationship with her and keep it more business.
Post # 4
Don’t ever invest more in a relationship than the other person is prepared to. If Mother-In-Law isn’t meeting you half way it’s time to spend your time and money on people who do.
Post # 5
norsequeen90 : Is Brother-In-Law the favoured son? I wonder if this is more about Brother-In-Law (trying to help him keep his gf).
Post # 6
Why would you even want her approval now? She’s got crappy values and sorry to say, she sounds like she’s trying to buy her son a show dog with all of these gifts to the Girlfriend.
I know it sucks and it’s not what you wanted, but this woman isn’t a good mother figure.
Post # 7
Yeah…if you’re gonna look for a “spiritual mother” figure…find a GOOD mother figure. Like a kind, accepting, loving and giving one – not your Mother-In-Law.
Let this one go Bee, your Future Sister-In-Law can have her and they can fawn over each other gloriously. Meanwhile you can realize that she is not YOUR mother so eff that.
And yes, I agree with PPs that because you yearn for a maternal figure you’re vulnerable and have fallen prey to her antics here, but like I said, find a better spiritual mother that’ll help you grow and heal your heart instead of creating more hurt.
Post # 8
What a shame OP, how painful it must be . But, and you know it, not a lot you can do . As pps have said, either your Mother-In-Law is a bit shallow or she just genuinely prefers BIL’s gf to you – which is hard to take esp as she has been a mother figure in the past.
Don’t give the gf your washer and dryer will you ? No need at all esp if Mother-In-Law says there are new ones going to be bought . If that’s so how come she didn’t just buy them for BIL and gf? Give them yours and I can see you having to buy new ones in a couple of weeks when no new ones are forthcoming from Mother-In-Law. Regard it as your first action in your non-doormat campaign!
Post # 9
MrsHarryDresden : I agree. And I just wanted to add Bee that I know it’s not the same, I don’t have my Mum either, but you can nurture yourself like a mother. You can put yourself first, and be kind and protective and loving of yourself the way a mother figure would. And in doing this you would realise this woman is not worthy of the time and attention you have been paying her.
Post # 10
When going no contact with my mother, I had to accept that I am motherless and that’s okay. My Mother-In-Law is nice in many ways but difficult in many ways. I know I have her full support in marrying her son but I do not think I will ever feel as an actual daughter. We just don’t have that connection I guess that some people find with their MILs. There are definitely certain aspects that reinforce a less inclusive atmosphere for me at times and makes me feel always somewhat on the outside looking in.
I think you just have to accept the situation for what it is and set your expectations lower for what you can expect from your Mother-In-Law. Likewise, keep your boundaries. Just because she wants to do things for his gf doesn’t mean your way of living is sacrificed too. Lastly, stop bending over backwards to please…live your life and work on finding things that make you feel whole without other’s influences. I’m learning to just be the female figure I need for myself. Good luck!
Post # 11
aussiemum1248 : This is what my husband thinks. There is definitely favortism among the brothers.
Post # 12
Shoot4theMoon : trianglecoast : Beegritte : aussiemum1248 : BalletParker : MrsHarryDresden : elderbee : Beegritte : soymilk : Thank you all for replying with your honest and kind words. It was hard getting to sleep last night. I’m going to take your advice and do my best to not be her doormat. I feel bad because my Darling Husband loves his mom, but he sees for himself she clearly treats us differently and it upsets him. I remind him that we’re moving in a few months out of state, so at least we won’t have to be caught up in any drama. As for the dryer if she asks about it today (I wrote the thread a little while after my Mother-In-Law called me), my Darling Husband said he’ll talk to her. My husband and I don’t have kids yet, but from seeing all this, I know I would never want to choose favorites between my children or their spouses.