(Closed) MIL fawns over my little sister… VENT

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
6213 posts
Bee Keeper

wow, that would sting.  I don’t think you can change her though, so you’ll just have to focus on everyone else instead.  Listen to compliments from others and ignore the lack from her.  She’s just one person out of many in your life.  I hope the relationship improves in future!

for what it’s worth, my best friend’s mother would never say anything nice about her husband and I know that was hurtful.  We knew it was just difficult for her to let go of her daughter and ignored it.  She still isn’t a huge fan after 9 years.  Some moms are just a little off, you know?

Post # 3
Member
1392 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

OK, I think you’re splitting hairs about “actual DIL” v. “someday maybe DIL.” From the lengths you went to comparing the point you were at in your relationship when you got engaged to them, it’s reasonable to assume that she will be a future DIL.

It sucks that you didn’t get the reaction you were hoping for with your pictures. But… you get one day. I mean, she was there and celebrated with you. Also you said yourself you live in your sister’s shadow, which speaks more to your feelings than anything your sister or others are doing. It is pretty natural that looking at wedding pics is going to make someone think of other weddings, and it sounds like your Mother-In-Law is just excited. Your final comments about wishing she would “bend” kind of just sounds petty and overall you sound jealous of your sister.  

Post # 5
Member
1345 posts
Bumble bee

I feel your pain, so sorry your Mother-In-Law is being one-sided about you and your sister.  It would’ve been nice if your Mother-In-Law was just as loving and all about you and your DH re your wedding as she was about your sister and Mike.  But your Mother-In-Law has internal issues that sounds like are unresolved and has nothing to do with you (even though it hurts your feelings the way she treats you).

I know it’s easier said then done, but seriously let your MIL’s behaviors just roll off your back.  You are a grown married woman now about to create your own family, you are not a little girl needing an older woman’s love/approval.  It would be nice if your Mother-In-Law was fair in her treatment, but it says more about who she is and what’s going on inside of her vs. you.  Sometimes when mothers have a hard time letting their sons go, they tend to ostracize or villainize their sons’ wives/SOs because you’re the one who “took him away” from them.  

Whatever the case may be, you are happily married now so don’t let other people’s crap rain on your happiness.  Congrats by the way!

Post # 6
Member
4369 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

That’s really unfair of your Mother-In-Law.. But here’s an idea, maybe ur DHs bro is her favorite? I know a lot of parents say they don’t have a favorite. but of course they do whether they want to admit it or not.. She may just have that bias and is just outwardly happy that her favorite found the love of his life.. Or maybe she expected that he wouldn’t find someone? Did he have a break up before that was Bad? Does he have a history of dating crappy girls? 

Not that I’m saying she’s not out of line and being terribly rude by not commenting on your happiness and giving you at least ONE COMPLIMENT on your wedding day but maybe there’s a deeper reason she’s so obsessed with her younger son’s relationship… Just a thought…

Post # 7
Member
10286 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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anon42515:  judging from your other post about his family, I wouldn’t take anything they said personally. They clearly have issues. Right now she’s playing divide and conquer, but one day she’ll find fault with your sister, too, and that will probably tick you off too! 

Post # 8
Member
52 posts
Worker bee

View original reply
anon42515:  My FIL’s are the same way.  My Fiance and I started dating 10 years ago.   My brother (when he got out of prison, drunk driving related) started dating my Fiance sister.  

I love my brother to death, but he is not the brightest light bulb in the box.  Over the last 9 years of them dating has went to jail at least 3 times, mainly for driving on a suspended license or stupid shit.  Once was for another drunk driving, that my Fiance payed for his lawyer for him so he didn’t go back to prison… Anyway, my brother is a screw up and at 40 years old probably always will be… SMH

FIL’s act like he is the greatest thing since fire.  Constantly bail him out of shit, even put their house up for collateral once.  

I think with them what it comes down to is they show favortism with their own kids.  Their daughter, walks on water when compared to the two sons.  She is 38 years old and they pay her car insurance, cell phone bill, and god only knows what else.

I know that for me I just let it go….sometimes I do have to laugh at the ignorance of the IL’s but it is what it is, so I just shake it off

Post # 11
Member
2453 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

That would annoy the living shit outta me. Sorry I don’t really have anything good to contribute except to try so very hard to ignore her.

Post # 12
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee

Honestly, I completely understand how you feel. My Future Mother-In-Law has never been thrilled over my Fiance and I being together. She has always been passive agressive about us and talks crap to other people (who will tell us what she says). When Fiance and I got engaged in June, her only reaction was that “I let my daughter out of our home state and look what happens”. Since then, she hasn’t said congratulations, showed any form of happiness for us, nothing.

Now when it comes to her son and his girlfriend, she will never shut up about them. She shares all these pictures of them on facebook and says how great they are together, how she is so beautiful and lovely, she hints that they need to be engaged and how excited she will be (they aren’t engaged and won’t be for awhile, I know because the brother told me). She goes on and on and on about how lovely they are but can’t even congratulate my Fiance and I on our engagement? She hasn’t asked a damn thing about our wedding.

I don’t think you are being jealous or weird. I think everyone has the hope that their in laws will treat them with respect and love you. She doesn’t have to spend her time trying to rub everything in your face. I know it hurts and I know it sucks. Hopefully the rest of your family is lovely and supportive. 🙂

Post # 14
Member
2633 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
anon42515:  I’m going to say this and hope it’s something that you think about whenever you are feeling the sting about something she says or does…

How do you know she isn’t going to your sister or your husband’s brothers and saying all of this about you? How do you know that when they plan their weddings or bring home a girl that she isn’t saying “you should do this like how my son and DIL did” or “they have a wonderful marriage, I hope you can find someone like that”?

My grandmother was like that with my mom. My mom bent over backwards for DECADES and always felt like she couldn’t do anything right and my grandmother was constantly praising my dad’s sister’s boyfriends. Meanwhile, for a few months when my parents separated (they got back together) my aunt told my mom how all of these years my grandmother always talked about how amazing my mom was to anyone who would listen and constantly criticized my aunt and all of her partners. They were hearing the same things about eachother all of those years!!!

Just so you know- a main factor in their separation had to do with my mom feeling like an outsider even in a 20+ year marriage. She let her feelings over things my grandmother did and said really cut at the heart of her and she never felt secure or appreciated. The separation came after my mom spent 4 days in the hospital by my grandmother’s side when she had a heart attack and subsequent surgery while my dad worked and my grandmother kept giving her shit for every little thing- like the hospital being horrible, she wished her daughter and son were there, the pillow she gave her was too hard, she brought the wrong clothes to the hospital etc… My parents had a blowout over it and years of this resentment came to the forefront. They have all since patched things up and my mom and grandmother have had a much better relationship since. It will never be perfect because they are such different personalities, but they now understand eachother better.

Some people don’t do direct praise. The fact that you married her youngest probably didn’t help. A mother with their sons is a tough nut to crack.

Don’t let it get to you. You know what your relationship is like with your husband. As long as things are good with you two and she isn’t directly disrespectful or nasty to you, I would do my best to ignore it.

Another important thing to remember is this isn’t your sister’s fault. Don’t let your hurt feelings over things your Mother-In-Law does/says affect your relationship. Also, I think any resentment or feelings of inadequacy (living in her shadow) are things you need to let go of. You are not in anyone’s shadow unless you allow yourself to be. Don’t compare yourself to her or the treatment you think she is getting. Live your life and be happy regardless of what other people do or say.

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by MissJulianna.
  • This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by MissJulianna.
  • This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by MissJulianna.
Post # 15
Member
244 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I think this sounds more like she’s fawning over “Mike”. I don’t think this is about you at all, but about her perfect eldest son. 

Try to back away from it a bit and sympathize that she’s doing this to your DH, as well as you.

 

Oh, and eff her, btw. My parents are like this about my (older) sister and it’s so infuriating. When I showed my parents all my reception photos, my mother just exclaims, “Look! There’s your sister, in the background! Can you see her! I see her!!!” Not a word about me, or my DH, or how lovely we look. But she sees a blurry out-of-focus shot of my sister and mom goes crazy. So annoying.

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