Post # 1
So as the subject line says…does my future Mother-In-Law have say in rest of our wedding when she and her husband are paying for our reception?
- she asked what we thought were going to do for wedding favors. I nicely said that “we were not going to do them because we feel they’re a waste of money…many are left at the wedding reception or thrown away”. She made a face and gave a “look” to my Fiance. She then went on about candy in containers, etc, etc. I just said, probably not – Fiance deferred to our wedding planner
- she asked about “Kids in the wedding” I said it had not been decided but yes we would like to. She then tried to “push” her 10 year old grand daughter to be flower girl “since that’s someone”. I nicely said that’s too old and we were thinking of another role for her. She said they need to know and she would buy a dress and her being a flower girl would ensure my FI’s sister came to wedding…I was just left kind of stunned. Luckily subject changed to something else. Fiance was sleeping through this but he agrees with me
My future Mother-In-Law & Father-In-Law have generously offered to pay for our wedding reception (i.e. the food/alcohol at the venue). We are thrilled but know it is so they have their say in the guest list (which is fine, they have a HUGE family, on just one side, Fiance has 7 aunts/uncles and 24 1st cousins who most have kids). They were shocked at how reasonable it is compared to where they’re from (prob 50%-60% less compared to their area).
All good right?
The day after we were engaged his mom said “I’ll only be involved to what you want, just let me know”.
- Two weeks after engaged they called – tellling Fiance we can’t get married on a Friday – no one would come to wedding and they’d throw a second reception and she can wear her dress again. Fiance nicely stood his ground (we won…his sister was married on a Friday of the same weekend 13 years prior and at this point they had not offered to pay for anything)
- One month after we’re engaged they visted and after meeting my father(after he left), grilled us for hours on the wedding (most the things they brought up we had already discussed and figured out..wedding list, probability of guesets coming, etc). I literally went to bed with my head hurting and my Fiance said he and I would talk later.
Side note my mom has passed, his parents/fam live about 3 hours away. We hired a wedding planner. Thank goodness we’re getting married in May so do’t have to go too long.
As we left their house after xmas his mom mentioned coming down to “talk wedding?”. I’m thinking “what?!”. There is literally nothing to talk about unless they want to talk reception in which case the venue has a food tasting in February which we told them about. I can’t tak a weeeknd of wedding talk. I’m not a detail person, hence why we hired a wedding planner.
I literally just want to get married, all these “little details” stress me out. She stresses me out whenever she brings something up but I do not want to be rude to her.
Thanks for listening bees
Post # 2
if she’s stressing you out then don’t accept her money. problem solved. otherwise suck it up.
Post # 3
While I am not of the school of thought that believes pay = say, I do believe that in this case, you really only have two options: accept her money, and accept that, whilst it should not come with strings attached unfortunately it clearly does, and so allow her a say; or, foot the bill yourselves in which case you can quite easily say ‘we are paying for the wedding, and so we will make the decisions’.
Another option would be for your Fiance to have a chat with her and say that he is a bit surprised at how much involvement she wants, given that when you both accepted the money it was on the understanding that this money was a gift, and that it didn’t come with caveats. But be prepared for her not to take it will and to withdraw her contribution.
ETA: just read that they are paying for food/alcohol only. That does make me think they’re being even more unreasonable, but unfortunately I still think what I said stands. If they think they have a ‘right’ to be involved, that is unlikely to change, so it’s a case of deciding if you’re OK with that, or would rather simply not take the money.
I’d also rephrase what I suggested your Fiance say to them, and say something like ‘we’re happy for you to be involved in the food/alcohol related decisions, as you’re covering the cost, but we will be making all other decisions as we are paying for those things’.
Lastly, when it comes to favours, or other things they want you to include on your dime, I wouldn’t make lots of excuses, I would just say ‘That isn’t in our budget’. If they are so desperate for you to have favours, then they can foot the bill.
Post # 4
They are gifting you that money very generously. However, that doesn’t give them the right to dictate how you spend the rest of your money on your wedding. They are paying for food and alcohol, great! It doesn’t sound like they’re paying for the venue, the ceremony, music etc… So! That means that you continue to stand up for yourself and do what you want to do for your wedding.
Now, on the opposite side of that your Future Mother-In-Law could be wanting to make this as special for you as possible because your own mother can’t be there. She may be just wanting to help and bond with you so you have the wedding of a mother’s dreams, the perfect one. So I think that you should accept her offer of coming down, have a quick conversation that you want to do things your way, thank her for her opinion and that you welcome it but you’ll do what you think is best and then go do those wedding things! Help her find a dress, talk about floral arrangements, whatever! Bond with her! Would it be so terrible if you had a good relationship with your FMIL? Just my thought.
Post # 5
i think it really depends on the person and you need to set expectations if you accept the money.
my mom paid 100% of my wedding but told me DH and I had full control over decision making. it was our wedding afterall. she only wanted a photobooth, everything else was up to us.
when she tried to take over with her ideas, i listened, appreciated the feedback, but did what DH and I wanted.
Post # 6
you might just have to put your foot down.This is your one big day and it should be how YOU want it. I have never understood the mentality that because a family member is gifting money for the wedding they get say in it. it would be the same instance if someone gifted you money for a new home, does that mean they get to pick your bedroom color of if you have 1/2 bathrooms? I would put it to them like this they get to help but not dictate your wedding. If they don’t like it either A) you pay for it yourself and a lot of people get cut from the guest list or B) go to a destination wedding you and Fiance only. If they can not accept the fact this is your wedding that you have dreamt about then their money wasn’t a nice gesture it was a way to control their wants.