(Closed) MIL from hell, Pregnant and Shower Dilemma..Long and Advice Needed.

posted 11 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
30400 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Your mother is in a position where she really cannot NOT invite your Mother-In-Law.

As tough as it is, this woman is not going to go away. She will always be your Mother-In-Law and she is going to be your child’s grandmother.

You did a good job of setting boundaries for her behavior and you will need to continue to do that.

Post # 4
1616 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I know that you have problems with your Mother-In-Law – but to not invite her, or DH’s female family members, is pretty low. Your baby is just as much their relative, as it is to your family. You need to just kill them with kindness, invite them, and treat them like any other guest.

Post # 5
2803 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Whilst I understand that your Mother-In-Law overstepped the line, you will want your children to have somesort of relationship with her in the future. You don’t want to regret not iniviting her. You are extending the olive branch and being the adult. It is her choice whether or not to accept it. Plus you will be surrounding by supporting family on your side.

I say just grin and bare it and hopefully it will get better. *hugs* I hope it does soon though!

Post # 7
196 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Wow that really sucks.  I agree with the OPs though.  You’ll have to suck it up and invite her.  If she really is as fake as you say, I’m sure she’ll behave for your shower.  She’ll want everyone to know what a good grandma she’s going to be.  It’s a shame that you have to deal with that, but you don’t have to be her best friend. In the future I wouldn’t tolerate her bad behavor.  Once she gets going you can say what you did before, if she can’t speak to you like an adult then there is nothing else to say and end the conversation.  🙂 

Post # 8
3993 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@ATL1979: I, of course, have to agree with everyone else that you have to invite her. I do think that you can get away with some ignoring… You don’t have to play all nice, but of course can’t be openly rude (not inviting her). Just let her do whatever. Have people around you that are supportive and understand your issues with her. I’d even go so far as to have someone agree to basically be *with* you the whole time so she can’t sneak in any snark.

Sorry she’s such a nightmare (as I agree that she sounds like one) but PPs are right…. you’re kinda stuck with her.

Post # 9
831 posts
Busy bee

Ahem. Sorry, but I strongly disagree. 

I have the philosophy that you do NOT have to deal with people if you do not want to, especially if the pull shit like screaming at a 7 month pregnant woman. I do not agree with the concept of being obligated to people because they are “family”.

The chances are that she will behave at the shower, but I think the issue is a little more serious than just “can she behave”. She can, when SHE feels like it and SHE wants to. Ridiculous. I personally would not want her around me at the baby shower or involved in my child’s life.

This is a baby shower, not a place for you to feel stressed out or anxious. It should be rainbows, sunshine and daisy chains.

Post # 10
316 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@ATL1979: Wow this kind of reminds me of the movie Montser In Law, down to the future mother in-law not getting along with her mother in-law.

She’s your husbands mother, you have to invite her and have to try to keep the peace. Talk to your husband about it though and be open and honest about all of it. She shouldn’t be treating you that way, especially when you’re pregnant.

Post # 11
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Your Mother-In-Law is a tool, your husband is a bigger tool. My problem would be with him. Someone needs to put on his man pants and grow up.

  I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, I would send the invite for the shower and let things go with her. If she doesn’t behave have your husband prepped to deal with her on his own. If he can’t do that… For me that’s a major deal breaker. He is seriously disrepecting you. you don’t deserve it.

Post # 13
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I agree with others about the baby shower–you should certainly invite your Mother-In-Law. Take the high road and hope for the best. All you can do is cross your fingers that she behaves herself, and if she doesn’t, well it just looks bad on her.

For the future, though, I think you and your husband might consider how harmful it is to take marital problems to family members. Yes, you both need confidants to consult about your marriage, but these people should not be your family. If they are, then your family will end up resenting your spouse, and it certainly sounds like this has happened with your Mother-In-Law. Your husband went to her about your marital issues, and now she resents you and is acting out. This puts you in a terrible position. His family needs to love and respect you, and they can’t do that if they hear all your various issues. I think it would be wise to sit down and discuss this with your husband. You are your own family now, and you both need to have radically different relationships with your parents, siblings, etc. And above all else, he needs to stand united with you when his mom does things like this. 

Post # 14
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

First off I want to say that I think you handled that situation extremely well. Kudos for sure. I definitely think your Mother-In-Law was completely out of line and should not have raised her voice, much less yelled at you! But, I also don’t think your DH should have gotten her involved in your private affairs as a couple in the first place (which I think you know and agree with already).

All that being said, I think your mom is right about the invitation. I would still invite her and whoever else who would expect an invitation on his side of the family. It is up to them if they accept, and I highly doubt that they would cause any drama with everyone else around at the shower. But if they do, you have witnesses and support to back you up if you choose to make a stand and ask them to leave. Good luck with all of this. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with such a sucky situation. 🙁

Post # 15
3968 posts
Honey bee

If it were me, I’d tell my mother to not throw the shower.  It wouldn’t be worth having a shower, if I knew crazy would be there.  Why put yourself through that?

Your Mother-In-Law sounds like a narcissist at it’s finest and she will ALWAYS be right, because she can’t see things any other way.  I feel quite sad for her, honestly.  

I hope your husband is seeing clearly and will support you and your child and do what he needs to do… and, for heaven’s sake, he better STOP talking to his mommy when you guys have issues.  As if she needs any fuel for the fire.  She can create that herself (which I’m sure she will… i can just hear: you are keeping my grandchild from me!) 

Keep things on your terms and leave the room/situation when she’s gets out of hand.  

Post # 16
4194 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I think the more important issue is your relationship with your DH. I think you should start by talking to him about the realtionship you want to have with your in-laws, where the boundaries are, etc. This will actually involve him changing his behavior and what he shares wiht them.

The fact that you had a fight with your Mother-In-Law is one thing, yes she’s annoying and butting-in, but that could actually all be avoided if your DH just has a talk with her and puts his foot down. And really, it’s his job to do it because he is the only person she will listen to.

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