Post # 17
I had issues very similiar to this with my brother’s wife.
If you are having issues with your blood pressure when your Mother-In-Law is not around, I would not invite her. Whether she behaves or not, having her there and not knowing how she would act could cause more stress then you or your child needs.
The other option is having a baby shower for your side and a seperate for the In-Laws side. Unfortunately, seperating it means you won’t have your family there as a buffer to potentialy keep Mother-In-Law in check. She’d be more likely to get out of hand around her family & friends.
Post # 18
Forgo the baby shower and don’t invite her. You don’t have to have anyone there who treats you like she did. It’s not good for you or your baby.
Post # 19
Okay, I am on the FLIP side and I say, no you don’t have to invite her. You are 7 months preggo and this stress this selfish bat has caused and will continue to cause you is not right. If you don’t want her at the shower, then they should not be invited and you should not be subjected to that. It’s your shower, if your Mother-In-Law wants to throw you something seperately then she can do that. I think it’s horrible that your Mother-In-Law is putting your through this, treating you this way and speaking to you the way she does when your supposed to be experiencing an amazing time in your life, and not only that putting you and your baby at risks from this time of stress.
Coming from someone who went through this minus being preggo at the time, and honestly, If I was preggo I would probably have ended up in the hospital due the stress it caused me. My Mother-In-Law is CRAZY, she too on many times screamed at me through the phone for hours, harrassed me, 2 days before my SURPRISE bridal shower, she called SCREAMING through the phone that she was going to come and destory the day. My mother then called and DH called and univited her due to this behavior, however, she still came and caused tons of drama, stress , and tenison and ruined the day for me.
Your DH needs to step up and demand that his mother show respect for you, this isn’t your problem to squash, it’s HER problem and issues that she created. You have always done your part by showing her respect and being nice and civil. Your DH needs to realize that his mother is putting alot of unwarrented stress on you and frankly like you said, any women that can scream at you being 7 months and carrying her grandchild is nuts.
Post # 20
From someone who has a CRAZY Mother-In-Law…. I say just invite her. She is always going to be there as a wart on your ass, and sometimes you just have to kill her with kindness and let it be. My husband was the same way when we first started dating (his mommy was always right) he finally realized that she is in fact crazy, and your husband will eventually realize it… it just might take her acting a fool a few more times before he realizes it. (or untill he is on the recieving end of the crazy!!!) good luck!
Post # 21
I’m in the “your husband needs to put on his big boy pants” camp. I find it ridiculous and sad that he would let his mother scream at his pregnant wife. I get it, it’s his mother and she’s used to holding the reins, but if this doesn’t stop now it never will. When does the hostility end?
As for the baby shower…I’m on the fence. I’m also of the opinion that you don’t have to put up with abusive people just because they are “family”. On the other hand, if your husband isn’t willing to stand up to her and put her in her place as far as his priorities are concerned, the path of least resistance is to let her come and also let her know when she crosses the line.
Post # 22
I would invite her, with the condition that your husband talks to her and makes clear that she is expected to behave appropriately or not come.
I agree with maureen9004
that your husband needs to put on his big boy pants. If you’re having problems, minor or not, the in-laws need to stay out of it unless you BOTH agree to talk to them about things. Especially knowing you do not get along with his mother, him bringing up issues is just going to cause more drama between the two of you because of course she’s going to take his side.
One question though: I always thought your mother or sister are not supposed to throw showers, as far as ettiquete goes. Has this changed? I am geniuninely curious because that’s what I’ve always heard; not trying to take a dig at you or anything. 🙂
Post # 23
I don’t envy you at all. My ex-MIL and ex-common law husband like that were in my past and resulted in me becoming a single parent when my son was 7 months old. My CL husband would NOT put his foot down and her behaviour got even worse when DS was born. She eventually convinced him to come back and live with her, and he visits my 3 year old son every few months. (He and I were together for 10 years, my entire 20s.)
I really don’t know what to give you for advice other than it sounds like you both (DH and you) need to really sit down and hash this out. Your best bet will be with a counselor. This baby is going to make things even more stressful, and I hate to see the wedge get bigger.
For the shower, I would let the host decide if she wants that woman in her house or not.
Post # 24
I think our MILs must be related. Your mom is right on this…inviting your Mother-In-Law is simply your mom showing the same the respect to your DH that your MIL SHOULD be showing you. Just as your Mother-In-Law should stay out of your marriage, it’s not your mom’s job/place to get involved with your Mother-In-Law drama, which not inviting her would be doing. I would try to limit her “posse” though (whether or not you exchanged holiday cards this year may be a good cut-off). Chances are your Mother-In-Law will put her controlling, manipulative, victim mentality on display through passive-aggressive comments or outright bad behavior…either way you’ll be surrounded by people to witness it and support you having seen it first hand. Took a while (and a LOT of patience), but I played it cool with my Mother-In-Law while she basked in her manufactured drama and eventually everyone (including DH) saw what I had been seeing. That feeling of “see, it’s not me…she’s AWFUL!!!” vindication and support from others makes her nonsense a whole lot easier to put up with. DH stepping in to set boundries helped too as did MILs realization that she has to go through mommy to see her grand baby 🙂
Post # 25
Thanks for the advice ladies.
I am going to go ahead invite her. I have not spoken to the witch since this happened, and really have nothing to say to her. My family told me to just let it go. Thing is, Mother-In-Law and I never speak to each other unless we se each other, which was rare to begin with. My mother is sending out invites soon. I am going to ask DH who he wants to be invited from his mother’s side and MIL won’t be involved in any part of the shower. I would LOVE LOVE if she declined to come, but being that she is such a fake, I know she won’t miss out on such an event. I can see it now, she will come, put on her sugary sweet, mild mannered, soft speaking act like she does to everyone especially her FAMILLYYYY, it’s hilerious. If she even thinks of bringing up the matter at my shower, she will be told I am not discussing the topic, end of story. My mother wants to invite the same amount of people from her side that we are inviting from my side. This idea isn’t really swinging with me and I think I’m going to tell DH a much smaller amount. I actually still have all of her side addresses from our wedding, so technically if I wanted to, I could just choose myself who to invite. The only person I’m close to and without a doubt want there is DH’s grandma, but that’s besides the point. I don’t need any of her old crow friends there, which I’m sure she’ll invite if she’s given a larger number, there. Me and him have been getting along great, like we ususally do, since this incident, and the secret is he hasn’t brought up his mothers name around me and I don’t mention her name either. Works for me.
As far as etiquette goes, I don’t follow tradition so wouldn’t know what it is. All the women in my family have had showers thrown by family members. The only thing I would not do would be to throw a shower for myself, so family members throwing a shower is the norm to me. I’m not one to follow “rules”.
Post # 26
I think your husband needs to set boundaries with his mother, and if she can’t abide by them, then she needs to be kept at arms length. You are his number one priority, and if that witch wants to see her grandkid, she best act right! 😉
Post # 27
I’ve been thinking about you all day. Just remember, because it isn’t being talked about with your DH doesn’t mean that there isn’t a crack there in your foundation. Once that baby comes, more issues will pop up. I truly hope you can work through them before it eats you two up.
Post # 28
unfortunately you have to suck it up, this is the woman who gave birth to your husband so for that she is owed some respect she will always be in your life think of it
if she is unreasonable you take it up with your husband so he could talk to her, because you will be the mother of his son’s children and the mother of her grandchildren for that she owes you respect the same respect you owe her
she will always be in your life so unfortunately you have to deal with it and come to some kind of truce; you dont want to be one of the family members turning children against their grandparents; we have family rifts but I always stay neutral especially if its not related to me
its also not a good idea to share marital issues with anybody else except you and hubby, me and my hubby went to pre-cana before our wedding, a pre-marital counselling required by our church, they said you should keep private matters private, when you talk about marital issues with outsiders it invites unwanted comments and advice; it’s not good to bring in third parties into marital issues, it has nothing to do with them, marriage is a very sacred matter between you and your husband
okay good luck!