(Closed) MIL gives me anxiety

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
1274 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
cece_get_married:  Eek. Family (especially mothers and MILs) can often be difficult and it takes a while to work out how to establish boundaries with issues that bother you. My only suggestion is that you make a couple of key topics out of bounds (i.e. your personal health issues and contraception choices!!!) and try not to let the other stuff bother you too much since it’s beyond your control (her having a go at your Fiance about his work start time for no reason etc.). Seriously though, you need to come up with a reply in your head (just one or two sentences) to explain that you are not comfortable discussing your health issues and family planning so that you can just rattle it off next time you find yourself in this position. It’s perfectly acceptable to have boundaries, and you just have to have confidence to stick with them even if she throws a fuss.

That said, I would have completely called her out on calling you a bitch. I mean seriously, what the heck? I would have been polite, but just asked her face to face why she said that. Watch out OP, that’s not nice behaviour at all…

Post # 3
Member
1799 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I hope your Fiance starts to set boundaries before you guys have children as she will only get worse.You do so well to deal with that.  I could’nt keep my mouth shut 😛

 

I feel for you with the endo.  It is a horrendous disease.  I have had 6 monthly operations to control it. I hate to agree with your Mother-In-Law but the marina has been the absolute best thing for me.  I got a clean out and then it was place while I was under GA.  It controls the endo growing back, helps control pain & completely stops my period.  It’s not for everyone but I just wanted to let you know my experience xx

Post # 4
Member
319 posts
Helper bee

You didn’t do anything stupid. Telling her you’ll be making your own health and reproductive choices is normal and healthy. She is out of line for calling you a bitch and I can’t believe your Fiance tolerates it. My Fiance would lose it if his mom was so disrespectful. 

I also don’t like the idea of Mirena. I Know it is great for a lot of people, but it is not for me. You should feel comfortable making whatever choice is best for you. I wouldn’t discuss contraceptives with her any further. It really is a private matter and you shouldn’t feel shame or pushback for whatever decision you come to with your doctor. 

Post # 5
Member
775 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

My Mother-In-Law is bossy, but i just dont argue with her. She can always give her opinion, i just dont engage. Like the mirena, why would you even discuss it? If she says you should consider it, you say thank you for the advice i’ll think about it. Thats it, if she ask later if you have done it, you say no, or not yet, or i decided it wasnt the right choice for me. She can try to change your mind or get mad, but you dont owe her an explanation about anything, so dont give it.

I try not to say anything bad about my DH family either but i would let him know that calling you a bitch is unacceptable and you expect him to stand up for you.

Post # 6
Member
7365 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Stop talking to her about personal issues. your hubby shouldn’t give her anymore access to his emails. Establish boundaries aand reinforce them. She won’t change, so you can only control yourselves.

Post # 7
Member
1166 posts
Bumble bee

Why does she have access to his emails? It is none of her business. She is treating him like a child. It sounds like the best thing to do is for him to move out. And state to her that she will have no contact with him or you until she starts respecting him for adult he is.

Post # 8
Member
4697 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I stopped reading after you said she gets his emails, there’s no reason whatsoever why your adult husband should allow his mother access to his email account. Just as your adult husband should not tolerate his mother calling you a bitch in any circumstance, I would be more livid about this than her overbearing opinions.

The simple solution is to stop engaging her about personal issues. She can give an opinion whenever she pleases but, its just that and nothing more.

Post # 9
Member
5152 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
cece_get_married:  Why does she have access to his emails? That’s so weird. That’s the first thing I would change.

Also, I’d stop telling her personal information about yourself (your endometriosis and when you want to have a baby, etc.). She can’t have opinions if you don’t discuss those things with her.

Post # 10
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I wouldn’t call someone who refers to you as the bitch her son has to live with “lovely”. She referred to you in a completely disrespectful way. All because you were taking control of your own personal choices. Why does she have access to her adult son’s email? Why does she get access to such personal information?

I understand why her behaviour is driving you crazy! I would suggest you and Fiance have a calm discussion with each other about what your boundaries are, both for each of you as individuals and as a couple. Decide together how you will stick to them (e.g. stop allowing Mother-In-Law to have so much personal information, saying no without explaining when no explanation is necessary, etc). 

Good luck! Setting boundaries now is difficult, but will be so helpful in the long run!

ETA: I just reread and realized your Mother-In-Law called you a bitch to your FI?? Did he tell her that that was completely unacceptable? Your Fiance needs to make it clear that you and he are a family and that he stands up for you and for himself. I’m wondering if this might be helpful to discuss with a counsellor? Your Fiance allowing his mother to read his emails and call his Fiance a bitch is a worriseome pattern…

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by  msgreeneyes.
Post # 11
Member
322 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

View original reply
Mrs.Massontobee:  I absolutely agree. If your Mother-In-Law is the type of person who is never wrong you are never going to win an argument. Just nod politely and then continue to do what you want. 🙂

Post # 12
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
KC-2722:  This +1000. If I have read it correctly, you’re not even married, yet? I’d be very concerned at my FH’s lack of standing up to his mother (on his and your behalf!) now – this behavior will probably not change once you’re married. 

Post # 13
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

…she reads his emails?

girl, run.

Post # 14
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

Wow. sometimes parents have a hard time letting go and realizing that their kids are grown. i knew a guy who helped his mom with all the bills all the time and he would ask her every year if she thought it was a good idea for him to move out because he had a gf and they wanted their own place. every year she would say no. finally, he got so mad that he just told her that he was going and she told him ‘well now i know you are ready because a grown man doesnt ask anyone for permission to run his own life’. it was funny but so true . she will do this until he stands up for himself. 

Post # 15
Member
1146 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
cece_get_married:  the thing about “controlling” people like this is that they rely on other people for all of their power. I always find that term “controlling” kind of curious because there is no “control” to be had that is not willfully given.

she can’t just “get” access to his emails..unless she’s a skilled hacker, he is giving her access. If he really didn’t want her to have it, there are many ways he could prevent it. conversations about your private life and health don’t have to just “come up.” If she brings them up, calmly state that you are not comfortable talking to her about that and no longer will. if she refuses to respect your rules, end the converation or walk away.

All of these issues would end if you guys set boundaries and enforce them. if you guys cannot set boundaries with her and stick with them, then I suggest you find a way to just accept her and the terms YOU are setting with her, as it won’t just magically change. 

The topic ‘MIL gives me anxiety’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors