(Closed) MIL has really hurt my feelings

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
4590 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Either your Fiance needs to stand up for you, or you need to leave. They may be his family, but so are you, especially once you are married!! I don’t understand men who can’t stand up to their mothers, especially when they treat their FIs/wives they way they do. So what if they stop talking to him?? If they are really going to do that, then why would he want to be around them anyway??? I am a firm believer in that just because someone is family, does not mean they get to treat you like shit. Respect and love in a family should be earned, just like in a friendship. 

Post # 4
Member
2570 posts
Sugar bee

You have to go in thinking this will be the rest of your life.  You will continually be ignored and not accepted. Can you handle that forever?

Do you think you will start to get more and more angry with your fiance because he is not defending you?  I would.

Its up to you to decide if this is OK for you. For me, this would not be OK. Its not a matter of choosing sides yours or his moms, but about being responsible and adult and asking his mom to be the same- no matter the consequences. Because when you are married you are his partner, not his mom, and he needs to support his partner.

Post # 5
Member
4590 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

@lefeymw: You said it way better than I did!!  Totally agree with every word ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 6
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

As sad as this situation is, I’m with @MrsSl82be. He has to be able to stand up to these women.  Sure they are blood, but he is CHOOSING you to marry.  I know his situation is hard, but in the end -even if everything else is good- do you really want to be with some one who can’t stand up for himself or you?  I was once involved (years ago) with a boy whose family hated me.  They worked diligently to make me feel unwelcome, to drive a wedge between me and the boyfriend and eventually convinced him I wasn’t good enough for him.  I deserved better than to be cast aside for no good reason and YOU deserve to be stood up for against these two bullies.  This is gonna be a turning point in your life -for the better- no matter how things end up.  

 

Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
30392 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Have you ever confronted them about their behavior?

I could not sit quietly by forever being ignored.

I would have to call them on it.

Post # 8
Member
4590 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

@MsGigi: Exactly! My ex’s mom didn’t like me, and it was definitly mutual. We are good friends with her other son, he was even in our wedding, and now me and his mom get along great, go figure!

I couldn’t imagine going through something like this, but I do know that I would never stand for it. Fortunately, our families love us, and treat us like part of the family, have since day 1. I spend a lot of time with his family, hell, we lived with my Father-In-Law for 4 years, and I talk to SIL more than hubs does!!  All of our immediate families were a big part of our wedding, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. 

Post # 9
Member
35 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m sorry but if your Fiance can’t man up to his mommy and sissy, you probably need to be reconsidering this marriage.  It is nice to have a man that treats his mother and sisters well, but this a** licking your Fiance is doing is a bit extreme.  He needs to learn to protect and defend his future wife, just as you would do if your family were treating him like a pile of garbage.  I would not be able to handle the childish way they are behaving towards you.  Because you cancelled YOUR wedding??  Do they know you cancelled it because you were tired of them running interference??  Either way, they are both totally immature and you and your Fiance BOTH need to take a stand.  He needs to stand behind you when you confront his mother and sister, and you need to let him know that you’re not going to sit back and accept being treated this way for the rest of your life just so his mommy will still wuv him.

Post # 10
Member
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

i was in the same boat with my ex bf’s family. they LOVED me at first. i planned a party for the grandmother’s 90th b-day, handmade invitations, made the food, etc. we all got along famously. and then….

they started hating me.

i was still (technically) married at the time (separated), but also had stage 4 cervical cancer, was in grad school and my (then) husband at the time offered to keep me on his medical benefits until i had all of my surgeries/treatments and was in the clear. we had to stay married legally for me to retain those benefits though. so, we filed the paperwork wit hthe attorney but did not file with the courts. we remained friends, eventually had an easy, no-fault divorce, just were better off as friends and not being married (he also had cheated on me, which prompted the split, 8 months prior). i was too worried about my health to think about much else at the time!

my boyfriend at the time understood, but his parents turned on me and decided that i would never leave my husband and that i was just playing games with him and leading me on. it didn’t matter what he said, they wouldn’t budge, but he never really STOOD UP for me. he was such a mama’s boy and didn’t want to rock the boat. it strained our relationship as well because i was no longer included in family events, trips, dinners, parties, etc. his brother also turned against me, so i was no longer invited to go out with him and his friends. obviously it became a serious problem. my ex bf couldn’t handle it and finally just walked. after 2 weeks he said he still wanted to “see me” but we just couldn’t be together out of fear of what his family would say. this went on for 18 months. 18 months of me being an idiot and thinking things would change. 18 months of me not acceptiong that he wasn’t a man, just a scared little boy. i even got divorced during those 18 months and it STILL didn’t matter. i was an evil bitch and “if she did it to him, she’ll do it to you!” did what exactly?? i wasn’t cheating FFS, i was separated and living in my own apartment for 3 months before even meeting your damn son!

the moral to my long story is this: if he doesn’t have the balls now, he will never have the balls EVER. guys like that are simply not going to miraculously grow a backbone and risk being an “outsider” (as my ex always used to say), for you. family is forever. those kinds of men have strong loyalties to that train of thinking. if you could make his do/feel otherwise i would be impressed.

i know that looking back it would have been hell on me anyways, had i stayed and tried to make things work. i have such a wonderful Future Mother-In-Law and 2 great FBILs (FHs dad passed away 3 years ago, but we got along GREAT as well) now that i couldn’t imagine not being part of their family, going to parties, being treated like the daughter my Future Mother-In-Law never had….it’s GREAT! but, my life would have been a lot more depressing if i would have stayed around for the BS life my ex bf had to offer with his deadbeat family!

Post # 10
Member
1524 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

What’s holding you and your Fiance back from planning the wedding you want (or eloping)?

If he can’t bear to move forward with your relationship until they grow up I’d say you’re in trouble.

Post # 11
Member
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@teaadntoast: “If he can’t bear to move forward with your relationship until they grow up I’d say you’re in trouble.” – agree x 1000!

Post # 12
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Everyone above said it wonderfully. I have the same problem. If my husband (or fiance at the time) couldn’t stand up for me and for us, I wouldn’t have married him. Sounds harsh, but in reality, this is the rest of your life we’re talking about. He is essentially leaving them to marry you and start a life with you so what difference does it make if they pout and hate you? It’s hard on your fiance, I understand that, but if he dosen’t see them as vindictive and hurtful by now, he better, for the sake of his future with you.

If my NOW husband suddenly did a 360 and went back to being afraid of standing up for us to his family? I would sadly know he wasn’t the man for me.

Get him to see it how the bees are trying to explain it, or yes, you are better off finding someone who would NOT let his fiance/wife/ be treated with such disrespect. No, you “can’t make people like you”. But he can damn well tell them to try to like you and at least you will see he was man enough to try that much.

And to answer your question, yes, you are trying to hard. Meaning, they don’t deserve your kindess.

Hugs.

Post # 13
Member
1523 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

If he hasn’t stood up to them yet, he’s not going to.  What you see is what you get.

My ex never stood up to his mom in our 15 year marriage.  I stood up to her right off the bat.  She didn’t like it or me for a while but she respected me and my household! Eventually she and I became friends. 

You can take a chance and stand up to them yourself which may or may not work.  Do you want a lifetime of what your Fiance is showing you?  And By The Way I don’t even understand cancelling your wedding because of them.  If you pick a new date, what do you suppose would happen?  I’m guessing more of the same or worse.  

I say cut your losses and run.  It is easier before a wedding than after.  Trust me!

Post # 14
Member
393 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I have a terrible Future Mother-In-Law, but Fiance stands up for me and us. Your Fiance should tell his mother and sister that their behaviour is unacceptable.

When Future Mother-In-Law starts in on me, or treats me badly, I just try to ignore it and let Fiance deal with her. I think that you should have a talk with your Fiance about the situation. If he is not willing to stand up for you and your relationship, there is an experation date on your relationship. I don’t think you want to spend the rest of your life dealing with that crap.

Good Luck ๐Ÿ™‚

The topic ‘MIL has really hurt my feelings’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors