- 5 years ago
- Wedding: March 2014
Without badmouthing I need to give a bit of background on my future Mother-In-Law before I explain the situation. My fiance is the baby, the only boy, and has always been given everything – extra forgiveness, free rent into his 20’s, any gift he even hinted to wanting, the best of everything – above and beyond what his 3 sisters tend to get from their mom. Mom and Dad have been divorced since he was very young and Dad raised him full time, Mom had him part time on weekends and such. So admittedly from my FMI she has overcompensated for some of this by how she has allowed him to get away with “murder”. While (with me) she has always been honest about how she feels when he’s not being an angel – she would talk about times she wasn’t happy with him but then her actions were still letting him do whatever he wanted.
Long story short I have been friends of this family for years before dating and becoming engaged to my fiance. We have been together for 5 years, he has 2 kids (4 and 5-1/2 yrs) and I have 2 kids (15 and 17). Anyone doing the math is going “huh” but yes you have good reason to be confused. He didn’t know that he had a daughter until she was 18 months old and about the same time he had found out about his daughter he had gotten that same girl pregnant the second time with his son. During this time we were on a break in the beginning of our relationship…so the man I started dating with no kids ended up having 2. In my head (being a single mom and feeling like I had more of the weight in this relationship) it evened things out and made them “fair”, especially when we were given full custody of his two kids because their mom is a deadbeat that could no longer take care of them… During all of this his mom was praising me that I was the best thing to ever happen to these kids because I was the one pushing for his kids to get out of her care (or lack of). At first when we got engaged everyone was quiet about the wedding and we figured because of the drama in our past and the fact we had split for a little while to figure our lives out, people were waiting to see if it was “for real”. Once things started to sink in and people started to ask questions about the wedding planning I figured it was time to start introducing conversations myself.
I started a facebook group page with all of the women from my side and his side of the family so that everyone had a place to talk, meet, and plan with me. I opened it with an explanation of why I started the group and that the point was so whoever wanted to be a part of the wedding could, and who ever wanted to do things with us – since most of our stuff will be DIY – that they could do that to. His mom had been lurking and looking at pictures, but hadn’t “liked” one thing that I posted, not even a picture of me in my dress. Until I posted a picture of a shawl that was ivory. She finally commented “Your dress is white, isn’t it?!” To which I politely said “no, my dress is just as the designers pic is, it’s ivory and spun gold”. So then I’m over at her house and his sisters are asking questions about the wedding and I say to his mom, “oh i have a question for you, i need your opinion on something.” She’s looking at me like “ok, go on…” so I do… “I found THE dress that I want for the flower girl (her grandaughter) online but I’m thinking that I can make it for less than they’re selling it. The only thing is I’m not sure what kind of material is on the top of the dress and I was wondering if you could take a look at it since you…” at this point she completely cuts me off midsentence and says to me in a super snotty tone, with the snotty face included “I am NOT going to make a dress for this wedding.” To which I said “I am not asking you to make anything, I’m asking for your opinion on the fabric of a dress that I’m considering making, but I don’t even know if I can find this fabric or what it’s called. MY mom will make a dress if I want one made.” (I was mad, I couldn’t help myself.) To my reply not much was said, she then went on facebook and looked at the flower girl dress I had posted, but never said a word to me about her thoughts. I can see who views the posts made in the group and before this discussion she had not looked at the link I had posted. I have seen her twice since this discussion and she hasn’t bothered to say a word to me about it.
I am really hurt by the way she’s reacting to the situation and the peeved off little girl (I’m 37 and the only thing little about me is my size) in my head says “to hell with her, I won’t ask her to do ANYTHING for this wedding.” But the daughter in law/step mother to her grandbabies wants her to be included and wants her to enjoy this day at least a little bit. I want to ask her what she is willing to do, I want to ask if she has any traditions that her family has for the men’s side of the family, I want to ask her to be included. BUT I don’t want to get shot down or scolded like she did about the dress. I don’t want her to feel obligated to do anything, but I would love for her to feel apart of it all and not that she’s discluded at all.
My question for all of you is – with just shy of 10 months to my wedding should I wait it out and see what happens, let her come around and volunteer? OR should I bring it up with her and have a discussion so that I know what to expect?
My worry is that etiquette issues like the rehearsal dinner (something in my family normally thrown by the groom’s side) is something that I need to know if we need to cover or if she will…but how do you ask after being so rudely told she wouldn’t even make a simple dress for her grandaughter?
HELP and sorry for the looooong explanation…What would you do?