Post # 1
It is 2 am and I can’t sleep because my Future Mother-In-Law is driving me nuts. She is undermining me, disrespecting me and doing the exact opposite of what I’ve asked her to do. For example, our wedding website is not done and I told Future Mother-In-Law that I want to send it to both families at the same time and to not send it out to her family. So she sent it out to her family. I took the website down (because it wasn’t done) and she started complaining about how she could no longer access it! She came to one vendor meeting (olive branch, NEVER doing that again) and proceeded to try and make me look bad in front of the vendor. Fiance agreed she crossed the line with the vendor (and recently told me to take psych med when I disagreed with her about a choice with the wedding).
Fiance loves his mom and threw her a softball when explaining my issues with her (to her). I am very angry and annoyed (and can’t sleep) and I know she is going to bring it up when we do Christmas dinner with her. We spent actual Christmas with my family and we were supposed to go to dinner at there house the next day. Should I go (and risk a fight?) Or stay home and claim I have to work? I am on call at work, so working is somewhat plausable.
Post # 2
gatsbyaffair: These crazy FMIL’s need the psych med if you ask me! My suggestion would be to still attend the dinner and see how things play out. If she starts picking an argument, you can either ignore it or just say that you’d prefer to enjoy the Christmas dinner and can discuss it another time. Or you can tell her you’re on call at work and say you’ve been called in suddenly if it gets really hostile.
Sorry you’re losing sleep over this, family-in-law issues are the absolute worst and I feel with you completely!
Post # 3
I would go but set ground rules with Fiance to make sure he has your back if she brings out the crazy. if she is nasty like the psych med comment again, I’d make sure your Fiance is willing to step in to say it is completely inappropriate and if she continues to behave this way you will both leave. If she just expresses disappointment about wedding choices, I’d prepare a generic response to shut it down. This is easiest if you are paying for the wedding: “I’m so sorry you feel that way about x, but we are hosting the wedding and it is important to us to have x reflect our relationship and tastes. I could really use your help on y though.” and just repeat everytime she is negative. All of this is best coming from your Fiance.
Post # 4
You will have to put up with this woman for at least the foreseeable future, your husband needs to back you up and defend you, and up to you to set clear boundaries as to what you will accept.
As for wedding talk, just change the subject, or fob her off on Fiance (‘oh, Fiance and I will figure that out later’, or ‘I’ll have to chat to Fiance about that and get back to you’)- if she’s being nasty then she doesn’t get to play in the wedding planning game. Good luck!
Post # 5
I would say go but if she continues to act in that manner then no more special occasions at her house. Unless her attitude changes.
Post # 6
gatsbyaffair: I wouldn’t go. I personally don’t get the whole “give someone a free pass to be rude to you just because they’re (insert their title here)” thing. If someone is being rude to me for no reason, there is a 99.9% chance that I’m gonna call them on it. And I probably won’t be nice about it either. To avoid an awkward, tension-filled Christmas dinner, I personally would rather just not go.
But that’s just me. If you feel as though you could bite your tongue and let Fiance handle it if (when) your Future Mother-In-Law starts to misbehave, then go ahead. But you need to talk with him first about it, and make sure he understands that you’re putting it in his hands, and that he needs to show his mom that you 2 are a united front. Good luck!
Post # 7
Hell, you’ve already celebrated Christmas with your own family, so why don’t you volunteer to go in to work?
Post # 8
I would probably go and if she is rude, Id have you and Fiance walk out do the door immediately.
Post # 9
I’d probably go but I wouldn’t put up with any nonsense. Fiance needs to be backing you up from the off. Good luck with her! You need a firm hand with her.
Post # 10
yeah, I recently learned my Mother-In-Law has some issues with me but didn’t bother to tell me face to face. This pissed me off that I couldn’t sleep either. But I sucked it up and went to the dinner but has discussed with my Darling Husband that I’m not going to let that ruined my Christmas. Had she brought it up, we would’ve left. She didn’t but we still left earlier than normal. Try your best but don’t take any crap from her!
Post # 11
I would go, because I wouldn’t want her to think she could isolate me from the rest of the family by picking fights, but keep it brief and make sure your Fiance has your back if any of this comes up. She sounds like a real peach.
Post # 12
EJbaby: we have tried being vague. It backfired and she felt it was a sign of weakness (and if I didn’t know, she should step in and plan it). The issue is that she doesn’t like or respect or vision for the wedding. We created a compromise between the two families and she is clear that she doesn’t like it. For example, we are getting married on a boat and have a total guest count of 100 (meaning 50 each). She gave me a guest list of 75 and then made comments that I didn’t understand because we didn’t have a large list (we trimmed from over 150).
My Fiance and I had a talk and I will go to christmas. We decided if she insults me or my family one more time we will just have the wedding the way I want it (and through any consessions to her out the window). Technically the bride’s family hosts, so I am justified doing it this way. Did we mention that my Fiance, myself and my parents are paying for most of the wedding?
Post # 13
gatsbyaffair: im on the way to my MILs now, and I’m already dreading it. But to answer your question, I think it’s totally fine to say “I’m sorry. Fiance and I have chosen XYZ, as we are paying.”
Post # 14
BeachBee1988: Has she ever gone behind your back and done stuff? For example, I don’t want a wedding brunch (the day after is a Monday) but she is apparently hosting one and my family is not invited.
Post # 15
gatsbyaffair: It’s not much of a ‘wedding brunch’ if the bride and groom aren’t there.