(Closed) MIL is an intrusive nightmare

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
3058 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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bride102018 :  you and your dad actually told your fiances mom that if she is negative, you or your dad will “remove” her?!

Post # 18
Member
5170 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

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bride102018 :  I think trying to stick to dress ‘etiquette’ like that is overkill. You can’t expect your Mother-In-Law to care about what your mom is wearing or plan her outfit around your moms.

Post # 20
Member
3781 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

He has this amazing tendency to get super angry after any kind of conversation with her….over anything I am asked about and give my opinion on when it comes to her demands at our wedding.  

This sounds like just as much a Fiance problem as a Future Mother-In-Law problem.  Are you sure you couldn’t benefit from some counseling to work through these issues and your communication styles?  Sure seems like you could.

The dresses thing is just weird.  Why should she care what your mom wears?  “Etiquette” may say that the moms need to be sort of but not completely matchy-matchy, but I assure you, that is not a thing.  You can’t force two adults (who don’t really like each other, it sounds like) to match their clothing.

Post # 21
Member
8674 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

mk deep breaths.  She is very obviously your bitch eating crackers.  Understandable. 

Try to push past that and see things clearly.

What dress she wears does not matter, so long as it isn’t a wedding gown.  That rule you quoted is a tradition, not etiquette–etiquette is about making guests comfortable, and honestly no guest cares if her dress is pink and your mom’s is blue rather than, gasp, two shades of blue.  Drop this one, focus on more important things.

She wants a special dance with her grandkids at the wedding, and that’s pretty insane.  I’d stick with a hard no on that one.  She doesn’t seem like the sort who would be OK with it being one of the “first 10 dances” and she doesn’t seem like the sort who would take a win and be content with just that if you did say “ok” (even if you didn’t mean it).  She needs firm boundaries.

But here’s the real thing–she obviously knows where all the knives she’s put in your fiance are and how to twist them.  Every time after he talks to her he is in a mood and he lashes out on you (and the kids?  Or they just notice him lashing out at you?).  I know you said no therapy but honestly–he probably would benefit from some therapy to deal with getting his mom’s claws out of him.  I’m sure it’d be a relief to him and I bet it’d be a relief to you.  

Does he realize the pattern, or is it only you and the kids?  Like is this intervention-level type shit where you guys need to explain to him how much she screws with his head, or is it just that you need to wait for him to calm down and have a talk about it?

Post # 23
Member
237 posts
Helper bee

Definitely don’t cave on the dance. She’s way overstepping her boundaries and who has a special dance at a wedding that doesn’y invlove the bride or groom? The Future Mother-In-Law can dance with the kids all she wants at the actual reception. You need to get your Fiance on board though because he really needs to be the one dealing with her.

As far as the dress though, I think you need to let that go unless you are paying for it or something. I would never think of telling a grown woman what to wear unless she specifically asked. No one will care if she and your mom “clash.” 

Post # 24
Member
5170 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

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bride102018 :  I get it, but this isn’t a tradition you can control. There are many other traditions you can include in your day but being that concerned about the shade of your MILs dress comes across as creating problems for the sake of it. Even though you dislike her, she is a grown women and should be able to pick her own outfit regardless of what your mom wears. 

The issues between you, your Mother-In-Law and your Fiance are obviously complex and deep rooted, why have you ruled out any kind of therapy? 

Post # 26
Member
3654 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

Drop the dress issue. It’s not worth the fight, it’s not a fight you can win (unless you burn all her other clothes or have her escorted from the premises if she doesn’t wear what you want) and it’s not her responsibility to contribute traditions to a wedding you yourself have decided to remove a lot of traditions from.

As for the dance, I wouldn’t give her a “special” dance. She can dance with her grandchildren the entire reception if she likes, but she isn’t owed a special dance. But this is also something your Fiance should be on board with. You can’t unilaterally decide things for the wedding because it’s for both of you.

Post # 27
Member
8674 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

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bride102018 :  yeah, no she sounds like a really difficult person–it’s not crazy that she’s reached BEC levels with you, after 8 years of dealing with that. I’d probably be upset if she looked at me the wrong way if I were you.  That said, your goal always needs to be making your life easier/better, rather than making her life harder/worse.  It’s hard to remember that when you are dealing with someone you can’t stand.

Agree her dress choice is tacky.  Not so much that she’s wearing the same dress (I wear the same dress to everything…) but that she made it clear to YOU that she was going to wear the same dress.  That reeks of wanting to push YOUR buttons.  Don’t let her win!  “Oh that ratty old thing?  Lul, ok.” Mic drop. Peace.

Once he calms down you need a real heart to heart with him so long as she can call him up and cause a blow out fight between the two of you, this marriage will have 3 ppl in it.  He needs to get on board, and he needs to see someone who can help him deal with this misguided guilt for their divorce (which, I’m wiling to bet, is only there because a certain vile someone put it there..).  I know you’ve tried, and I don’t really know what to do if he refuses.  I wish I had more advice on this one other than: try harder?  I wouldn’t be interested in marrying a man who becomes an complete asswad every time mummy calls.

Post # 29
Member
1277 posts
Bumble bee

Your Mother-In-Law is being crazy and I’m on your side. Tell her you will play the song she likes at some point during the reception but that you don’t want to stall the party with too many special dances. 

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