Post # 1
Hi everyone! I need some advice because again, my Mother-In-Law is starting to annoy me. In an old post, I wrote about how she wanted to be present at the transvaginal ultrasound. We’d already sent her pictures, but apparently that’s not enough.
Now she asking if she could be at the 20th-week ultrasound. I know for some people it’s okay to do that, but I personally really don’t want to. I believe that it’s more than just confirming the gender, but it’s mainly to check on the baby’s anatomy, which I’m a bit nervous (because I worry about everything now!) about so I’d really want it to be private. Darling Husband also doesn’t want his mother to be there because he says for sure, she’ll be asking the technician all sorts of questions which to him is embarrassing.
Now my Mother-In-Law wants pictures of my belly. I gave in a couple a weeks ago when she asked me to stand in front of the camera in video chat so she can see. Now she wants more belly pictures. My husband told her to calm down and said my own mother doesn’t even ask for those. Her reply was, “I don’t care!” and proceeded to say we’re such a weird couple. It made me more mad because it’s my body and I DO care. She then said it’s really nothing and I have clothes on, but now that I think about it, it’s probably not really about my belly and it’s more just because she is annoying me. She complained that we don’t give her anything even though she just saw me on video a couple weeks ago, so how often am I supposed to “give her something”?
Also, early on during my pregnancy, she kept nagging me and Darling Husband when she could announce on social media. We aren’t ready to announce it and would really just want close family and friends to know because we don’t really share much on social media, but eventually, we gave in because she kept nagging about it. Almost every day, only the word “Facebook” would come out of her mouth.
Am I being hormonal? The thing is, the more she harps about it, I feel like the more it’s driving me away. I tell my own mother stuff because she’s very calm and supportive about it. She is very excited, but not the overwhelming type that sounds like a broken record.
Post # 2
Is this your MIL’s first grandchild? I only ask because the excitement level for grandchild number 1 is insane…luckily my brother had his son first and my in-laws while excited, and this is their first, they just aren’t invasive people by nature.
I think your husband is going to have to continue to stand his ground in telling his mother no. You honestly shouldn’t have to and you also shouldn’t have to conform from what you’re comfortable with to please her. You are right, this is your body, this is your pregnancy, you do what you’re comfortable with. It may make her upset, but honestly, who cares? I usually am a huge people pleaser but since getting pregnant I’ve been much more firm and it’s totally worth it. I would stop telling her when your appointments are too just so she can’t chime in with her desire to come.
Post # 3
idkanymore : Stick to your guns. Don’t do anything you aren’t perfectly comfortable doing. Your Darling Husband seems to have your back, which is great.
Post # 4
idkanymore : I’m a very VERY private person. I have four children and never took a belly picture. I never had anyone in an ultrasound. You have to stick to your guns. For me, I didn’t want anyone around in case they found something on the “big ultrasound” (the gender wasn’t the important part for me.. making sure the baby looked healthy was) I didn’t want to have to be okay for someone else or act a certain way. If she’s acting like this now, it will only continue when the baby is born and grow up. I think the first act of being a parent is learning how to put healthy boundaries in place. This is you and your husband’s child. You make the rules. Everyone else will learn to live with them. Also, stop telling her things. If she doesn’t know when the ultrasound is, she doesn’t know when to harass you or show up unannounced.
Post # 5
That sounds really pushy. Being excited is one thing, but demanding photos of your belly and to come to appointments is too intrusive.
Post # 6
idkanymore : This IS the time to start making boundaries with her. Pronto!! Don’t let her know when you are in labor. Have your partner tell her after the birth, otherwise she will want to be in the room for the birth. Also, set boundaries now, or she will be at your house -probably before you even get home from the hospital. You don’t want Mother-In-Law hounding you all the first week after birth. You and your partner need to decide when, and how often, she gets to visit after baby is born-and stick to it!
stuckinwonderland : nonablu : Agree! x 1000!
Post # 7
Stop doing it and stop telling her about any appointments. She cannot make these insane requests and demands without that information. Tell her no. Regardless of what her response is, your response is no. Your husbands response is no. No. No. No. Don’t give in to manipulators.
Post # 8
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
Your body, your boundaries. Stick to your guns because my bet is that her next demand will be to be in the delivery room, followed by insisting that you formula feed so she can “help” and “bond” with your baby, sit on your couch and cuddle the baby while you cook and clean your house. In your shoes I would have a very clear conversation with your Darling Husband (so glad he has your back!) and work out exactly what you are and are not comfortable with and then he needs to lay the boundaries out for her. If she stomps on the boundaries, immediate consequences of not seeing the baby for X length of time.
Post # 9
You are NOT being hormonal. Keep telling her no! Your husband sounds amazing.
Entitled MILs are the WORST! No doubt she’ll want to be in the delivery room, or at least in the room immediately following birth. Stay strong.
KiwiDerbyBride : so much this. My Mother-In-Law keeps crying about how much she wants to “help”…and then complained that she doesn’t get to babysit (he was barely 3 months) and we only wanted her to bring meals over. Umm…that’s actually really helpful and we were grateful. Holding MY baby while I do chores? No.
Post # 10
You need to have a long discussion with your husband about how his mother’s attitude is making you both VERY uncomfortable. Tell him that you agree with how it makes HIM uncomfortable that she wants to be there for the ultrasound, ask questions, etc. Finally, start telling him what are the things that make YOU uncomfortable. Tell him how the belly shots make you feel exposed, how having her in the room having a medical procedure done makes you feel vulnerable, etc, etc. Then decide how you two want to act with her going forward. Do NOT feel forced, compelled or pushed into “giving her” anything. Honey, this is YOUR child, yes, it’s her grandchild but you’re the mom. And right now, this is YOUR body – you have 100% autonomy and decision making capabilities over that. So no more belly shots if you don’t want them (“show me the belly!” -and in agreement with your DH- “we gotta go, bye Mom” And that’s the ‘nice’ way of doing it. If you guys want to go for the nuclear guns tell her how uncomfortable she is making you, and that the minute she breaks the boundaries you will end the conversation immediately. So, “show me the belly!’ Is followed by “you crossed the line mom, good bye.” Ding.), and definitely NO having her there at the 20 week ultrasound!
Something about your post makes me want to share that I too am a worrier. So for example, while I’ve been breathing so much easier since I got back my normal NIPT results, I realized it’s difficult for me to not feel the baby yet (I’m at 16 weeks and counting now!), to not know anything and HOPE that the baby is doing well and growing. So today at my dr’s appointment when the nurse pulled out the Doppler thinggie to listen to the heart, I had a moment of panic “shit! Will she find a heartbeat? Baby? You ok in there?” And then she found the heartbeat and I could breathe again. And that was the moment when j understood why I’d asked my husband to come in with me even though I knew I wasn’t going to get a lot of things done today – in case I needed to hold his hand for support or if something went wrong. Of course then she brought up testing for neural tube defects and now that’s going to be in the back burner if my mind until the 20 week ultrasound. 🙂
So, have whomever you want to have there with you, and DONT let anybody else in. Mama bear mode Bee.
Post # 11
I think the previous posters are right. You need to stand up for what you believe, even if it slightly upsets your Mother-In-Law. And it doesn’t end with pregnancy, it’ll continue when the baby is born and it grows into a child.
However, be mindful that she will be veeeery excited. As long as she respects your privacy, you should make her happy sometimes and let her know when the baby kicks and show your belly (could be covered!), stuff like that.
Most important of all!!! Don’t let anyone stop you from enjoying your pregnancy/baby in any way! 🙂
Post # 12
My Mother-In-Law was like this. It got worse when our son was born. She used to grab him as soon as I arrived at her house which was horrible. Fiance had a word with her which helped and in time she’s calmed down.
You will need to set boundaries early on. It became apparent Mother-In-Law thought she would be at the hospital for the birth and we had to say no, it’s just us for the first day.
Post # 13
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
I should add that for amazing advice on how to set boundaries, the DWIL forum over at the babycenter website is full of helpful ladies who will happily advise you.
Post # 14
Another vote for DWIL nation. You are not being hormonal, you are not being unreaosnable. Even if every Bee responded that they had their MIL’s at their ultrasound, you are still justified to not want yours at our ultrasound. Stater standing up for yourself or it will just get worse.
Post # 15
You both need to start setting boundaries and holding them. From your own description, you’ve let her maneuver herself into getting what she wants twice (photos and Facebook) when she clearly knew you both weren’t comfortable with it.
Dont invite her to the ultrasound and tell her you don’t want to send belly photos. Hold firm to your choices.
I would rather start doing this now than when the baby comes…because you can imagine the boundaries she’ll want to break will be even worse then.
If she keeps bringing up things that you already clearly said no to then remove yourself from the situation. “MIL, we’ve had this discussion before and it’s not something we are comfortable with. We will let you know when we are. If you cannot stop bringing it up then I’ll need to leave because it’s causing me a lot of stress.” If she proceeds to complain or call you both weird then leave.