- 6 years ago
- Wedding: October 2012
Our wedding is far from traditional in many ways. My parents are not in a financial position to pay for our wedding, so Fiance and I are paying for 99% of it out of pocket. It’s not easy but we’re incredibly proud of what we’ve done so far. Our wedding will have less than 70 guests and we’re very happy with that number.
We’ve both felt uncomfortable about asking for “help” from anyone, regardless of old traditions that we’ve all read about in wedding mags and wedding books. You know what I mean.. grooms family pays for this, brides family pays for that, yadda yadda. Our view on things was, if someone wants to help us with something in financial terms, they’ll reach out to us. Otherwise why would we assume that people wanted to toss cash in our lap? We know how tight money is for most everyone.
We bit the bullet a few weeks ago and Fiance asked his parents if they would assist with the rehearsal brunch. (Our rehearsal on 10/14 is earlier in the day, as there is a wedding that very afternoon). MIL said yes and for us to send her an approximate dollar amount & head count. We’re keeping it simple and it’s a small group of just the wedding party and immediate family. FI and I had done some homework and selected a casual venue that reflected our tastes, needs, and budget wishes effectively. I got in touch with Mother-In-Law to let her know what we’d found, emailing her what I’d recieved, as the restaurant’s marketing manager was happy to extend discounts to us as well as assistance with making the morning a nice one. I didn’t hear back from her but thought no worries, I’ll talk to her when I see them that weekend.
We visited FI’s parents that following weekend, we’ve been trying to visit them every weekend as his Dad just recently had knee replacement surgery that didn’t go so well – they’ve had to go back in and “break” it twice since the replacement because it wasn’t healing properly. We feel so awful for him. Anyway – so Fiance is talking with his Dad and I’m talking with FI’s Mom on the couch less than 5ft away; but of course totally different conversations as they’re talking guy stuff, while we’re talking wedding stuff. She brings up the rehearsal brunch and in no uncertain terms tells me that the location we had chosen wasn’t up to her standards, as it wasn’t “Fancy enough”, and tells me that “Breakfast would be better” as one of her family members that is coming in for the wedding wouldn’t be able to attend the lunch.
Fiance and I both work odd hours, and are typically night people, rather than morning folks. MIL is a VERY early morning person.. as in, she always wants Christmas morning breakfast at their place to be at 6 or 7am. With our work schedules it’s nearly impossible. We also live across-town from our wedding venue and host hotel. We have a few dozen things to do the morning of the rehearsal, and there’s no way I’m driving across town three times the day before my wedding. We wanted a relaxing environment where people didn’t need to dress up, nor feel akward. Also, our best man works overnight shifts usually so anything before 10am would be very tough on him.
Now, having spoken with Fiance about his mom’s conversation with me he was just as uncomfortable about her trying to alter this situation, as I did. We both shot down the breakfast situation (We would literally have to be up at 5:30am in order to make that work because of everything that needs to be done. 5:30am equals a very cranky Fiance and Bride-to-be.), and we both felt that it was rude to imply that we just aren’t being fancy enough for her tastes. Granted, yes – this is our feelings on the matter and may not have been the intended outcome. But based on previous experience with Mother-In-Law, this is the way things are handled. She ends up making many people feel like her ideas are SO much better than everyone elses. We wouldn’t have minded if she made suggestions about the potential location, for example – rather than basically telling us that our idea sucked.
When we went over the following weekend to talk to his parents about it, she burst into tears and told us how we “Had the opportunity for a really nice day, but DO WHAT YOU WANT” and tossed in something I’d read in advice columns that she might do.. “He’s been my son for 33 years!” and was going on about how traditionally the grooms family pays for the rehearsal meal, etc. His Dad was winking at me out of his right eye (so that Mom couldn’t see him) and telling me, “You can’t please everyone, do what makes you happy”. Of course, at this point all of the commentary is being aimed at me because I’ve been the person doing most of the communicating about our plans, etc. So here I sat there feeling like the bad guy, still. And with the passive aggressive “DO WHAT YOU WANT” from his mother, we left not being clear on whether they would assist. NOTE: Do we mind if they don’t assist? Not one bit. FI and I are happy to pay for the brunch ourselves. I just don’t understand why we’re not allowed to have our own feelings on the topic. We aren’t trying to be unappreciative whatsoever; but shoot – where is the happy medium?
I fully expect to be told that we’re being unreasonable about this, but all I can ask is that you think about how you’d feel if you were treated this way by someone.
Thanks all –