(Closed) MIL Issue.

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 4
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Is it the type of situation where he lets his mom run his life – like, for example, would he say to her “Sorry Mom, we are going away for my birthday” or would he not go away with you because his mom wanted to do something for his birthday?

Post # 7
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Well I think as long as he does put you first in situations like that, there isn’t really a huge problem. Sounds like they are just very close and Mother-In-Law is a bit clingy but as long as it isn’t negatively affecting your marriage then I’d just let it go. It is annoying but it seems relatively harmless from what you posted here.

Post # 9
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Hmm. I really wouldn’t recommend saying anything to him unless it is causing actual problems in your marriage because he’ll probably get upset with you and it will cause a lot more trouble than it is worth. You can’t really just come in and change the dynamic of a mother-son relationship, however odd you think that relationship may be, without your husband wanting the relationship to change too. I’d tread very lightly here.

How is your relationship with MIL?

Post # 10
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Fi’s Mom was like there for awehile. She would put him on a guilt trip a lot, especially over the wedding. Heck, even sometimes when we would leave she would put him on one, asking him to stay just a bit longer. 

 

Fi and I just talked about it, and I let him know it made me feel really uncomfortable. It sounds like  his mom is just doesn’t want to “let go”. HE needs to be the one to talk to her and let her know that as his wife, you are going to come first and HE is going to put you first. If he’s unwilling to draw the line then you may have bigger problems. But if he is and she’s not listening to him, then I think he really needs to stand his ground and tell her she needs to stop, he’s a grown, married man.

Post # 12
Member
1288 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Indiana Memorial Union

Well I think it’s a little out of the ordinary, for what it’s worth. You’re the primary relationship now and I think some mothers have a lot of issues with this. They like to assert their primacy by doing things like planning birthdays, when you’re the person that should be doing that.

Relationships with our parents DO have to change when we get married. They have to become secondary to our new families. If this is a problem for you now, it’ll be a bigger problem later if you ever have kids, etc.

Post # 14
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

My ex and his mom were like this.  We were together for almost 8 years and it never got any better – only worse.  I was actually worried about ever getting married and having kids with him, because I felt she would take over them the same way she has taken over her son’s life.  He’s an only child, so I know he felt a sense of responsability to her, but it really was her over everything.  You better talk this out, cause like ribbons said, it’s only going to continue as she tries to continue to reassert her “primary relationship” with him. (Great explanation, ribbons!)

Post # 15
Member
1288 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Indiana Memorial Union

You can’t really do anything, it has to come from your husband. He just has to set boundaries.

With the birthday though, since it’s supposed to be a surprise, I’d just call her and tell her that you’re planning a little thing for just the two of you but you’d be happy to have the family over for dinner later in the week or something? Give a little but get the control back.

Post # 16
Member
2201 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Since you want it to be a surprise, I would speak to her on your own and say “I know you were wondering what was planned for hubby’s birthday. I’m planning a surprise getaway for him and me but we’ll be back on Monday if you’d like to plan a birthday dinner for him.”

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