MIL Issues…

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
477 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I think you’re justified in being irritated. This would bug me as well. My suggestion would be to not take her money at all, for whatever purpose. She clearly sees that as a way to force her opinion in. I would simply thank her and the sister for their ideas, but continue planning what it is you’d like to do, and plan to pay for it all, including the honeymoon, yourselves.

Post # 3
Member
1412 posts
Bumble bee

Take no money. Be clear that you have a flight at X time. 

If she still plans the party that’s her problem, and nothing you can do about it! Maybe wave as you fly over? Haha

Post # 4
Member
3050 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I think you’re justified in having the ceremony as you want and just need to hold firm to that.

I don’t think you’re justified to ask to use money that she before confirmed was for the wedding specifically not honeymoon. So, you should just tell her to keep it to not have to have any financial ties (meaning she won’t have any reason for input on your plans) but also because you won’t need it with the low key ceremony you’re planning. Her reluctance should have been a major sign to you that she firstly didn’t expect to contribute unless a bigger ceremony and secondly didn’t expect to contribute to a honeymoon fund. Her contribution of money gives her a say in planning which was clearly her aim…you’re giving her no contribution in your plans therefore you do not need the contribution of the money.

Post # 5
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with PP, don’t take the money. Plan what you want and be firm. 

Post # 6
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Hold firm to your plans.  Do not take the money, it sounds like it’s intent was to be used specifically for a large wedding and came with strings (requests to invite certain people).

Post # 8
Member
580 posts
Busy bee

butterfly19882 :  The money she offered comes with her wanting to control and plan something you two do not want. You have been clear and have explained what you do and do not want several times. Do not ask about the money from her, do not expect the money from her. By engaging her in wedding talk and talk about the $$$, you are being dragged along in wedding talk and plans YOU DO NOT WANT. It sucks, I know.

Hell, I would even have Fiance say that you no longer expect or feel you can accept the money from her. That may get a bad reaction so maybe there is another way to say it. Or maybe say nothing, never have Fiance bring up the money to her unless she says something again.

I would have Fiance sit down with her (and have this message communicated to family) to say: Mom, we have told you our plans for our wedding. We will have a small court ceremony with just parents, and will have plans to celebrate and have lunch together. This is all we want to do. We are not changing our plans, and do not want to talk about changing our plans. Please respect our wishes.

From now on, speak nothing about your wedding to her. This will only rile her up more. 

 

Post # 9
Member
828 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I would clarify that she intends to have a cookout the same day at the courthouse. Maybe she wants to have a cookout a different day and it was just lost in translation? 

Honestly, give her the benefit of the doubt. She has saved and looked forward to a big wedding. It can be tough for parents to let that go. She hasn’t be supportive, but she hasn’t been unsupportive from what I read. She hasn’t tried to talk you out of it or blackmail you with money, it sounds like she’s backed off whenever you’ve told her what you’re planning. 

Definitely don’t take her money. It’s clear that she didn’t mean for you to use it on a honeymoon. 

Post # 10
Member
235 posts
Helper bee

Your fiance needs to put his foot down once and for all and make it clear to her that extended family is not invited to the wedding. If she still doesn’t get it, he will have to contact his relatives personallyand make your plans known so they understand they will not be coming. Awkward conversation? Yes. But if you leave it up to her to communicate that, they will show up. 

The money offer was probably her way of trying to control the event. Your fiance should kindly but firmly say “We appreciate the offer of money from the bottom of our hearts, but we have this covered. We are both at an age and position where we can pay for our wedding.” You don’t need the money for the honeymoon. Just be adults and pay for the honeymoon yourselves.

 

Post # 11
Member
717 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Be annoyed, yes, but take her actions with a grain of salt. She was expecting something completely different from what you want. 

My Mother-In-Law has told me we’re inviting too many people and we’re spending too much when she doesn’t even know what we’re spending and I’ve chosen to simply ignore her comments. It’s our wedding we’ll do what we like, if she has certain ideas in her head that’s fine but I don’t let it bother me. I got a little annoyed at first but then I figured who cares what she says? we’re not taking her money so she has no say. 

Post # 12
Member
3050 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

But she’s saying to use it for your day. Your wedding day. She probably meant use it however by using it however for catering or photography or decor. She may have had bigger feelings on a larger family gathering, what weddings mean in terms of her extended family, and therefore felt she would have the ability for more being said with her contribution to pay for that. She may have seen the contribution as helping to host the whole family together, you chose otherwise which she accepted, and now you ask to use it for an event that doesn’t include any but you and your partner. She probably thinks the main issue is money and can help facilitate a low key medium with the whole family by arranging a BBQ.

Your parents are clearly not his parents. Is that nice of your parents? Yes. However, many parents pay or fund portions of their children’s weddings and then typically have expecatations for guest list contributions. One of the first things people here try to deduce with family issues around weddings is who the one paying or contributing are…and you’ll hear the term “no pay no say” often. To many weddings are a time to pay homage to the families which adds the extended and it seems like that was her intention monetarily especially with trying to push for the reception. It’s okay you don’t want to do that but not okay to try to “call her out” on money she clearly intended to help suit that purpose not a honeymoon.

In the end, you either accept her money and try to include her or you don’t accept it and do your thing. Sounds like you have it sorted then though since, as you said, you don’t need it.

Post # 13
Member
640 posts
Busy bee

butterfly19882 :  I am 27 years old, and have no children, but I kind of feel bad for his mom here. I fully agree that this is YOUR day and you can do whatever you want, but I cant help but feel sorry for her that she can’t celebrate it too. (Just want to be clear, I am not suggesting you change your plans, I just feel bad for the lady!!) My Future Mother-In-Law and my own mother would be devastated about being left out of my wedding. It is fun for them to help plan and share in the excitement of the big day. It can be very hard for parents to watch their children grow up and no longer need them. To top it off, the same time you crush her dreams about a wedding, you ask her about money?? That wouldnt sit right with me, and I could see why she hesitated. Maybe she thought you were doing this because you couldnt afford a wedding so was offering to host the BBQ reception. I just feel like her motives come from a good place, and you should cut her some slack. 

While I DONT think you should change your plans for anyone, you can be sympathetic towards her feelings. Try to include her in dress shopping, etc. when you can. Maybe explain that while you are so thankful for her offereing to help pay for the wedding and celebrate your marriage, you want to have a low key wedding for XYZ reason. 

Post # 14
Member
3028 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Actions speak louder than words, and while she said you could use the money anyway you like, her actions of inviting people you don’t want there and trying to plan a backyard cookout say that she wants to pay to have a say. Also the fact that she doesn’t actually have the money in hand is worrisome. It would be very bad to take her up on an offer that would put her into debt.

My Mother-In-Law is similar (in her view the entire point of our wedding was to make her look perfect to her extended family) so Darling Husband declined her money saying we could afford it. I highly suggest doing the same and sticking to your original plan.

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