Post # 16
If she wants to spend her money on a BBQ honoring you guys, what is wrong with that?
I understand that the date and time won’t work for you but why can’t you compromise and offer her a date that will work?
For many of us, a marriage is such a wonderful step that it seems disrespectful of the rest of us not to celebrate it and show you our support and love.
Post # 17
I would just stick with your original plans and don’t take the money. Tell her you can have a cookout when you are back from your honeymoon so that you can properly enjoy it without having to worry about your flight later that day.
I wouldn’t take the money however. she said ‘use it how you want’ but she didn’t mean as a wedding gift, she meant for your wedding, even if she didn’t really say it that way. While I think it’s 100% your decision what you do for your wedding, I think it’s also easy to understand why she would be disappointed. A lot of parents really look forward to their kids weddings and traditionally it really WAS at least as much about the parents as it was about the two getting married. I’m definitely not saying you should feel badly in any way, just try to understand where she’s coming from – it’s a relatively new concept that the wedding is 100% about the bride and groom and no one else. She probably has been looking forward to her son’s wedding for a lot of her life.
But, it IS your wedding and YOU are paying for it ($3000 doesn’t cover much of a wedding these days) so you can celebrate it how you please. I would just drop the money issue, and try to understand a little bit where she’s coming from and maybe concede to a cook out (AFTER your honeymoon) if it’s not too big. You also shouldn’t have to pay for it if she’s the one insisting on throwing it.
Post # 18
butterfly19882 : When my husband and I wanted a courthouse wedding it ended up being just us to get the point across of how we wanted our day to be. Sometimes mom’s have a hard time of understanding. I wouldn’t take any money at all, and decline the reception for that day.
Post # 19
I get why you’re upset. But I would let her throw the BBQ for you guys after you get back from your honeymoon. Let her pay for it, let her have control so you don’t have to stress about it.
Who knows! You might enjoy it :o)
Post # 20
to be honest she sounds like a loving mother who is disappointed… life comes with compromise, she save and excitedly looked forward to a day that your pretty much denighing her completely which isnt very nice on your part, you can totally have a private small courthouse wedding but you shouldnt ‘ban’ family from wanting to celebrate
I mean would it really kill you to let her thow and pay for a party/reception for you? (technically you cant stop her anyway but it would be very petty and damaging to not attend)
all you have to do is show up for a bit for her to be happy, even if its just an hour and then you leave for your flight so I honestly dont see how its such a big deal… if you really honestly dont have time on the day then let her throw it when you get back
Post # 21
I agree with you that it sounds like she’s just a little excited – but I think your Fiance needs to be a little more assertive and reiterate your plans. “Sorry mom, like I already told you we plan to head out for our honeymoon that same day so we won’t be able to come to a reception.”
I also wanted to add that I think it should have at the least been a phone call (not a text message) to tell her about the original plan. It might seem to her like she was a bit of an afterthought and that’s why she’s trying to be more involved.
Post # 22
butterfly19882 : this is mostly your FI’s call since it’s his mom. My FI’s parents and family very much want a big wedding and are happy to pay for it. My Fiance and I don’t care all that much about it and would probably rather not. Before we dated, my guy had talked to his parents about their desire for a big wedding and realized how much it meant to them so he decided that he wants them to have that if it’s okay w me.
Your Fiance should talk to his mom more about this. It must’ve been tough for her hear by text. If your Fiance is completely set on not having a bigger get together ever, that’s one thing and there’s probably no way that she’ll be happy. If you all are amenable to any compromise- either the cookout/send off party that she wants to plan or maybe a welcome home party post-honeymoon, then maybe your Fiance can tell her that you all would be happy to let her do something. If there’s a way to have her plan an event w family and whoever, on her own budget, and at a time/day that works for you, to celebrate your wedding, maybe that isn’t so bad? And you can do whatever day/courthouse/lunch you want to as you want and on your own budget. Depends on what you both are okay with though.
Post # 23
Get married the way you want to get married. Do not take her money. It seems very clear that she offered the money to help pay for a different kind of wedding.
Perhaps she can host a celebration after you return?
Post # 24
Thanks for the reply! I guess I struggle with this because while she sounds like a loving mother who is just disappointed, she has been the total opposite in the past with me. She’s tried breaking me and my fiance up early in the relationship, pushing another girl at him, and has also said some very cruel things about me and our relationship in the past. She has been known to play on my fiance’s emotions and loyalty to his family in order to get her way and control things.
I never said we were going to “ban” anyone from celebrating. I just find it to be a bit rude for her to be making plans without even talking to me. I’ve taken her out for dinner and a movie to discuss plans with her and she barely wanted to even talk about the wedding. Now all of the sudden, she’s telling other family members that she’s planning a cookout style reception?
We don’t have time the day of, and I guess her actions in the past and now with all of this aren’t making us too keen on the idea of going out of our way to celebrate at a party she throws so that she can brag to friends and family.
Post # 25
I think you should not take her money. But after you come back from your honeymoon, can you suggest she throw a party where she invites all her family & friends, like she wanted to at your wedding?
Don’t even mention wedding, or act like this is a consolation prize, act like it is this great thing you came up with that would be so much fun for her.
Post # 26
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
Definitely don’t take her money. Then next time she brings up this cookout, your Fiance says “mom, we’ve been over this – we cannot attend on the day of our wedding as we’ll be on a plane.” The next time, “asked and answered.” Then “mom, you seem to be having some memory issues as you know this has been discussed – maybe you should see your doctor about it?”. And then repeat the last answer every other time.
Post # 27
butterfly19882 : I don’t know how long ago she tried to break you up but if it has been a while I will try to let go. How does she treat you lately? Some family are harder to get accepted. In a lot of families, they consider the wedding as a turning point but the past in the past. 14 years ago, my whole family met my uncle’s wife (then gf), no one likes her at the time because she seem like not having a good personality and high maintenance (she mocked waitresses etc). She was young and acting stupid. After a while they started to like her and now loved her and she have matured as well. Right now my uncle is treating her badly (not abusive) and everyone is supporting her.
I don’t know your whole story but maybe your future mother in law is accepting you as her son’ life partner and want to introduce you properly to the family so why not let her to the cook off for friends and family sometime after your honeymoon.
Post # 28
Thanks everyone! I appreciate all of the responses so much! I posted last night when I was a bit annoyed that she started planning this without my knowledge. I likely would’ve been more receptive to the idea had she sat down with me to talk about it instead of just going around telling everyone else of her plans for our day.
I think I’m going to have her work with my mom to plan something small for immediate family only after we return from our honeymoon. That way they can get to know each other, it will still be small, my mom can help make sure things don’t get out of control, and hopefully she’ll be satisfied.
Post # 29
Note: Im a bit sour on MIL’s at the moment, so my opinion is biased.
She’s not excited and happy for YOUR marriage, rather she’s excited and happy for HER wedding (aka your wedding). It’s selfishly about her party and how she looks.
Just wait til you “give” her “her” grandchild!
Stick to your guns now and maintain your boundaries because it’ll make the future much easier. I’m so happy for you that your fiancé is onboard with your views and standing up to his mother.