(Closed) MIL issues and family functions

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2016

First of all, good for you for putting your foot down because that kind of crap can ruin a marriage over time. Second of all, I would go and have a good time. If she can’t act like a civil adult, that’s her problem. But you shouldn’t have to suffer even more because of her behavior. Good luck!

Post # 3
Member
329 posts
Helper bee

OMG wow this sucks I’m sorry. I applaud you for your telling her to butt out of your marriage and that your husband is stopping this behavior. 

I would go, but I would make sure that Darling Husband understood that he needs to be on your side 10000000%. I wouldnt bring it up, be civil but you dont have to make it a point to talk to her. If she blabbed to other people chances are they are thinking she should stay out of your marriage too. If someone should say something then I would def. tell them to mind their own damn marriage/business. 

Post # 4
Member
422 posts
Helper bee

I think your bigger issue here is your husband– you two need to present a united front when it comes to your relationship. It’s ok for him to seek advice from his family, but he shouldn’t be bad-mouthing you to his mother and he needs to know that that kind of behavior isn’t ok. You’ve done everything you can to get back on good terms with your mother in law, so I say be go to the party. Be polite, but don’t interact with her more than necessary and let her come around when/if she ever wants to.

Also, does your husband have no opinion on this situation? Has he tried talking to his mom about it to fix things?

Post # 7
Member
4943 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Go and be cordial. Say hello, then move along and socialize with someone else. 

But I agree with the PPs – your husband needs to be united with you (figuratively and literally). 

Post # 8
Member
4539 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

lmnop1984:  I would go – but talk with your Darling Husband first and come up with a standard response if anyone brings it up (short and quick, nothing elaborate) so that if anyone does ask/mention it, they’ll see you two are on the same page and everyone will get the same answer… preventing more drama.

Post # 9
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

The way that I see it, your husband needs to help facilitate a reconciliation between you and your Mother-In-Law. He plays a major role, from what I gather, in the deterioration of your relationship between you and your Mother-In-Law. He has a responsibility as your husband to fix the mess that he’s helped cause. You’ve already tried to repair the relationship with her on your own and she obviously isn’t interested. 

Not sure how many people will be there or if there will be alcohol involved, but I wouldn’t go if the dinner conversation was that awkward. If your husband wants you to go, have him talk with her and make things better. If he is so quick to vent his negative feelings, he can go right ahead and share some positive ones, too.

Post # 10
Member
18 posts
Newbee

lmnop1984:  firstly. good luck. she sounds like my mil and she turned her whole family on me who now all want nothing to do with me because all she ever does is bitch about me to whoever will listen. so now i dont have one nasty person to deal with i have about 20. i hate going to family functions on my husbands side because of it but i do it for him. Like you, he put this all on me by oversharing with his family. His sister already hated my guts and would gossip about me any chance she had to his mother, which made her hate my guts just because of all the bitching. then one day i snapped and went absolutely crazy on her for her treatment toward me. i stopped talking to her and the whole family got involved because she was bitching to whoever would listen. The only difference between your situation and mine is that my mil is very good at pretending so all her discussions with me are fake and then when my husband is out of the room, the nasty mil comes out.

I now have aunties and cousins who hate me for no apparent reason at all. It actually makes me giggle because i couldnt think of anything worse than having to spend time with these people so it makes my life easier. I dont think they realised this otherwise they wouldnt have included their family in our arguments. haha love it, so happy i dont have to invite them over anymore and its dropped to 1 visit a year. i can totally deal with thast for the rest of my life 😉

 

you did the right thing, dont think for a second you didnt, if your husband is running off to his mother to talk about your issues with him then talking to him about it wont make a difference. I would be more angry with him though, which im sure you are dealing with as well.

Post # 11
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: South Lodge. 2nd of Dec 2017

lmnop1984:  go stand by your man, 

remember this a sons a son till he finds a wife, it’s very true, tell your husband you expect him to be your rock in life, end of discussion,  she is only pissed because of the way he has portrayed you, so it’s not really hper fault,it is his for being such a pussy.  I am really pleased he has recognised that’s his behaviour, has fuelled the fire, she will come round in time, once she sees how happy he is.

Post # 12
Member
5950 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

lmnop1984:  Bottom line – you and your Darling Husband are learning from this experience, you attempted to be the bigger person and do the right thing however your Mother-In-Law elected pout and flounce out of a restaurant like you were trying to sell her Amway….

Don’t let that stop you from attending family functions because it is a fact that’s she’s blabbed to at least a few relatives about what happened and I’m sure you’ve been villified and she’s the victim and its all so terribly interesting…so what’s a girl to do?

Refuse to feed The Drama Llama, you did what you did, which was pretty damn great by the way…and she did what she did…not so hot, right?  And if any of them try to bring it up or confront you just remind them that gossip is no substitute for good conversation and excuse yourself for something to drink and better company.

If you don’t feed into it, it will die sooner or later.

Post # 13
Member
3307 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

reginageorge: Totally agree!

OP in this case it’s not enough that your H stop his ridiculous behavior. He needs to facilitate relations between you and his mother and explain that HE was the one at fault. It’s not always enough to stop doing something; sometimes you need to make amends for the damage caused. 

Just go to the party and enjoy. You can’t do anything about gossip so don’t even give it a thought, your Mother-In-Law sounds like she’s her own punishment.

 

Post # 14
Member
816 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

lmnop1984:  this is not a Mother-In-Law problem and you were out of line being that harsh on her.  No she is not manipulative, if you bad mouthed your husband to your parents would they tell you to be quiet not involve them? No, parents will always be concerned about their children period.  Now she should have also given him advice to work things out with you but if he bad mouthed you that badly very few parents would side with what may seem like an “abusive” spouse (not physical but also verbally or emotionally, even if it’s a lie they will always side with their child).

Luckily you and your so seem o have gone to counceling and he’s realized that doing that is in appropriate (unless they are truely in an abusive relationship- I will always accept gettin family support under those circumstances).  As this was his doing he needs to get involved and talk to his mother.  You should also have a one on one (wih his presence if required) and apologize for your behaviour (and don’t use but!).  It will take time but once she realikes how good and supportive you are to her son she will see the image he portrayed to her is inadequate and she should warm up.  If not, he needs to be even more assertive.

As for the event, be genuine say hi but don’t be “fake warm” if you know what I mean, unless you’ve talked together and sorted things out.

I didn’t have a Mother-In-Law who hates me but a GMIL and once she saw how good I was to her grandson she grew to be quite fond of me and welcomed me to her family.  Actions speak louder than words, be true and genuine and it should sort itself out.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  Ettalie.
Post # 15
Member
324 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

lmnop1984:  Eeeeek that lunch sounded so so painful! I get why you are upset with your MIL–her behavior sounds completely uncalled for–but I do think she has the right to be upset since you said some pretty harsh things in response. I think it was kind of you to invite her to lunch and her behavior sounds very childish, but it may just take her some time to be okay with the fact that she doesn’t have control over her son anymore. I would continue to go to events since you and your fiance are on good terms and it sounds like you like other family members. I might even try one more time to reach out to her as a good will gesture (in a month or two?) but after that you just have to let it lie unfortunately. 

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