Post # 1
Hi bees. I need help. My husband and I were in an argument last month and he is super close to his mom to the point where he literally tells his mother about me and our fights. She’s pretty manipulative and basically encourages this behavior by agreeing with him about my bad traits. Anyway, after this particular argument, he texted his mom and “tattled” on me and I went ballistic, against my better judgement. I texted her to stop encouraging a grown man to belittle his wife via text, stop getting involved, stay out of our marriage, etc. I was really harsh. No name calling or profanity but I was harsh. I was also harsh on him and he and I have hashed the issue out in counseling over the course of a few sessions and he is realizing how hurtful that behavior is. But my question is not about my husband (even though I know he’s the culprit in all of this). He and I are dealing with this together and he is making strides to end the behavior.
My question is about Mother-In-Law. I was pretty harsh with her and she is no longer speaking to me. This ordinarily wouldn’t be too much of a problem but she and I work together. Yes-I’m currently job searching! Obviously we are adults (well I am at least) and we talk about work related things when we have to but there haven’t been any pleasantries or non-work-related discussion since the texts. On the advice of my marriage counselor, I invited Mother-In-Law to lunch last week to apologize for my delivery in the texts (not apologize for the content which I don’t feel was wrong). I did and it was AWKWARD. She would barely look at me. I apologized and she had nothing to say in return. Literally it was a one sided conversation. I was soooooo wishing I had just invited her to coffee instead because we had to sit at a booth and eat and she acted like a child the entire time. I was planning on paying for the meal but she refused saying she’d pay for herself because she didn’t want me to have anything else on her. Ugh. As soon as she finished eating (I wasn’t finished) she got up, flagged down our waiter and paid and left me at the table stunned. And of course nothing is better between us-in fact it’s worse.
So my question is: what to do about family events? My husband’s aunt is throwing a party on Saturday and of course I’m invited. Mother-In-Law will be there. It will be odd if I’m not there to many of his family and I’m leaning on going because I’m an adult and I’m not scared of Mother-In-Law and I’m perfectly capable of being civil. However, I don’t know who in the family she’s discussed this with (she’s a gossip) so I’m worried about it being awkward. My husband really wants me to go and I feel it’s the right thing to do. Part of me feels like I already have to see her 5 days a week so why should I spend my free time seeing her. I don’t know. What would you do?
Post # 2
First of all, good for you for putting your foot down because that kind of crap can ruin a marriage over time. Second of all, I would go and have a good time. If she can’t act like a civil adult, that’s her problem. But you shouldn’t have to suffer even more because of her behavior. Good luck!
Post # 3
OMG wow this sucks I’m sorry. I applaud you for your telling her to butt out of your marriage and that your husband is stopping this behavior.
I would go, but I would make sure that Darling Husband understood that he needs to be on your side 10000000%. I wouldnt bring it up, be civil but you dont have to make it a point to talk to her. If she blabbed to other people chances are they are thinking she should stay out of your marriage too. If someone should say something then I would def. tell them to mind their own damn marriage/business.
Post # 4
I think your bigger issue here is your husband– you two need to present a united front when it comes to your relationship. It’s ok for him to seek advice from his family, but he shouldn’t be bad-mouthing you to his mother and he needs to know that that kind of behavior isn’t ok. You’ve done everything you can to get back on good terms with your mother in law, so I say be go to the party. Be polite, but don’t interact with her more than necessary and let her come around when/if she ever wants to.
Also, does your husband have no opinion on this situation? Has he tried talking to his mom about it to fix things?
Post # 5
freebird: Yep-he’s the bigger issue. I already know that without a doubt. That’s why he and I are in counseling and we have discussed how wrong this behavior is. He and I are dealing with it. It’s her that WONT deal with it.
Post # 6
freebird: Sorry, I missed your second part of your post. No he hasn’t because I asked him not to get (even more) involved. Maybe I should have him bring it up to her that she’s being childish. That might make everything worse.
Post # 7
Go and be cordial. Say hello, then move along and socialize with someone else.
But I agree with the PPs – your husband needs to be united with you (figuratively and literally).
Post # 8
lmnop1984: I would go – but talk with your Darling Husband first and come up with a standard response if anyone brings it up (short and quick, nothing elaborate) so that if anyone does ask/mention it, they’ll see you two are on the same page and everyone will get the same answer… preventing more drama.
Post # 9
The way that I see it, your husband needs to help facilitate a reconciliation between you and your Mother-In-Law. He plays a major role, from what I gather, in the deterioration of your relationship between you and your Mother-In-Law. He has a responsibility as your husband to fix the mess that he’s helped cause. You’ve already tried to repair the relationship with her on your own and she obviously isn’t interested.
Not sure how many people will be there or if there will be alcohol involved, but I wouldn’t go if the dinner conversation was that awkward. If your husband wants you to go, have him talk with her and make things better. If he is so quick to vent his negative feelings, he can go right ahead and share some positive ones, too.
Post # 10
lmnop1984: firstly. good luck. she sounds like my mil and she turned her whole family on me who now all want nothing to do with me because all she ever does is bitch about me to whoever will listen. so now i dont have one nasty person to deal with i have about 20. i hate going to family functions on my husbands side because of it but i do it for him. Like you, he put this all on me by oversharing with his family. His sister already hated my guts and would gossip about me any chance she had to his mother, which made her hate my guts just because of all the bitching. then one day i snapped and went absolutely crazy on her for her treatment toward me. i stopped talking to her and the whole family got involved because she was bitching to whoever would listen. The only difference between your situation and mine is that my mil is very good at pretending so all her discussions with me are fake and then when my husband is out of the room, the nasty mil comes out.
I now have aunties and cousins who hate me for no apparent reason at all. It actually makes me giggle because i couldnt think of anything worse than having to spend time with these people so it makes my life easier. I dont think they realised this otherwise they wouldnt have included their family in our arguments. haha love it, so happy i dont have to invite them over anymore and its dropped to 1 visit a year. i can totally deal with thast for the rest of my life 😉
you did the right thing, dont think for a second you didnt, if your husband is running off to his mother to talk about your issues with him then talking to him about it wont make a difference. I would be more angry with him though, which im sure you are dealing with as well.
Post # 11
- Wedding: South Lodge. 2nd of Dec 2017
lmnop1984: go stand by your man,
remember this a sons a son till he finds a wife, it’s very true, tell your husband you expect him to be your rock in life, end of discussion, she is only pissed because of the way he has portrayed you, so it’s not really hper fault,it is his for being such a pussy. I am really pleased he has recognised that’s his behaviour, has fuelled the fire, she will come round in time, once she sees how happy he is.
Post # 12
lmnop1984: Bottom line – you and your Darling Husband are learning from this experience, you attempted to be the bigger person and do the right thing however your Mother-In-Law elected pout and flounce out of a restaurant like you were trying to sell her Amway….
Don’t let that stop you from attending family functions because it is a fact that’s she’s blabbed to at least a few relatives about what happened and I’m sure you’ve been villified and she’s the victim and its all so terribly interesting…so what’s a girl to do?
Refuse to feed The Drama Llama, you did what you did, which was pretty damn great by the way…and she did what she did…not so hot, right? And if any of them try to bring it up or confront you just remind them that gossip is no substitute for good conversation and excuse yourself for something to drink and better company.
If you don’t feed into it, it will die sooner or later.
Post # 13
reginageorge: Totally agree!
OP in this case it’s not enough that your H stop his ridiculous behavior. He needs to facilitate relations between you and his mother and explain that HE was the one at fault. It’s not always enough to stop doing something; sometimes you need to make amends for the damage caused.
Just go to the party and enjoy. You can’t do anything about gossip so don’t even give it a thought, your Mother-In-Law sounds like she’s her own punishment.
Post # 14
lmnop1984: this is not a Mother-In-Law problem and you were out of line being that harsh on her. No she is not manipulative, if you bad mouthed your husband to your parents would they tell you to be quiet not involve them? No, parents will always be concerned about their children period. Now she should have also given him advice to work things out with you but if he bad mouthed you that badly very few parents would side with what may seem like an “abusive” spouse (not physical but also verbally or emotionally, even if it’s a lie they will always side with their child).
Luckily you and your so seem o have gone to counceling and he’s realized that doing that is in appropriate (unless they are truely in an abusive relationship- I will always accept gettin family support under those circumstances). As this was his doing he needs to get involved and talk to his mother. You should also have a one on one (wih his presence if required) and apologize for your behaviour (and don’t use but!). It will take time but once she realikes how good and supportive you are to her son she will see the image he portrayed to her is inadequate and she should warm up. If not, he needs to be even more assertive.
As for the event, be genuine say hi but don’t be “fake warm” if you know what I mean, unless you’ve talked together and sorted things out.
I didn’t have a Mother-In-Law who hates me but a GMIL and once she saw how good I was to her grandson she grew to be quite fond of me and welcomed me to her family. Actions speak louder than words, be true and genuine and it should sort itself out.
Post # 15
lmnop1984: Eeeeek that lunch sounded so so painful! I get why you are upset with your MIL–her behavior sounds completely uncalled for–but I do think she has the right to be upset since you said some pretty harsh things in response. I think it was kind of you to invite her to lunch and her behavior sounds very childish, but it may just take her some time to be okay with the fact that she doesn’t have control over her son anymore. I would continue to go to events since you and your fiance are on good terms and it sounds like you like other family members. I might even try one more time to reach out to her as a good will gesture (in a month or two?) but after that you just have to let it lie unfortunately.