Post # 1
Member
8 posts
Newbee
Hello to the Bee community. I have been a lurker on this form for a few years now. I just got married 12/12/12 <– ya corny but we like it 🙂 I have always had an issue with my husbands mother and my husband has a problem with her too. Neither of us want children. We have made this clear to his parents and mine. My parents are fine with this decision, but his parents are not. His mom has posted on my facebook page when do I get grandkids, on her facebook page “so glad my son got married now on to grandbabies!” I am 20 years old my husband is 22, I am in college he is working, I have plans to get my doctorete degree. I have never wanted children and neither has my husband. We have thought about pros and cons of having them, but the biggest con of all is we do not want children. We have so many things we want to do when I graduate and we can finances settled. His mom has 2 more kids another son and a daughter. everytime we turn around his parents are asking his to do more and more things for them. We are moving closer to work and school in a few weeks to save money on gas, and I am riding with a friend from school. We have done some figuring and it will save us money and be better for us as a couple to move out of our parents house. The problem is now that his parents call him and pull guilt trips on him so he has to go to their house at least 5 days out of the week. Right now his parents house is on the way home. When we move though our apartment will be about 10 minutes from work and his parents house about 45 minutes from work. He knows I dislike his parents using him and not understanding that he is an adult now and needs to get our life in order. He knows this and he agrees, but if he doesn’t cater to their needs they call all hours of the night send text messages, tell us to buy things we can not afford. Now the whole kid thing is just really pushing me over the edge. What is it 1860 where everyone has to have kids and stop their lives to raise kids. His parents scream and yell at their kids I have seen his sister beat more times than what I want. I was spanked when I was a kid and yes I believe in it, but there is a difference. His mom hit my husband is the head with a flying object of some sort when he was a kid. My parents are divorced, my dad I was scared to death of him. My mom was there sometimes, but always made me feel worthless. Maybe my reason for not wanting kids is becuase I don’t want them to have a life like we did, but also this may sound selfish, but we want a lot in life nad would rather spend our hard earned money on us than children. Plus we really just do not like children. I really cannot stand them any noise they make or anything. i do not think it is cute when they poop, spit up, etc. Yes, I know many will say I am a sick person, but we just do not want children. how can I get my mother in law to understand we do not want children! It isn’t just her either it is also his aunt and uncle posting on my facebook wall, etc. On our wedding day every member of his family came up asking us when they were going to get grandchildren, etc. It really makes me hate every single one of them. Sorry for such a long rant everyone…… But I have noticed you all tend to support one another, although I have seena few occasions with the whole childless thing where some bees get offended with someone doesn’t want kids, or doesn’t like them so I hope this isn’t one of those times. My husband knows this bothers me and it bothers him too. He has told his family over and over we aren’t having kids, etc but they still continue.
Post # 3
Member
450 posts
Helper bee
@Trent323: Don’t feel bad about not wanting children. It is ok. It isn’t for everyone. It is better that you know that NOW before you have them. It is a wise decision. Don’t ever let anyone try to force this on you. That being said, something might change someday. You are still young. It might change, it might not… either one is fine.
For the people, Aunts, Uncles, In-laws who are pushing. Just tell them that you are not ready yet. You aren’t financially stable enough right now. Heck say taking care of your Future Mother-In-Law and Future Father-In-Law takes up too much time and you simply can’t have children AND them to take care of.
People don’t understand. I have 2 kids from a previous marraige. My daughter almost killed me by sticking her hand thru the uterine wall just as they cut me open (talk about just in time to save our lives) and durring my emergency c-section they tied my tubes, because my uterine wall is so thin if I got pregnant it would rupture most likely before the 6 month mark killing me and the baby if it isn’t caught in time again. STILL my Future Mother-In-Law insists that I will give her more grandchildren. Her son never wanted infants but loves my 2 to the ends of the earth, no matter what we say, people STILL ask. They always will. In my situation, I would love another baby sometimes, but that decision was out of my hands… and somedays people asking hurts.
So just stick by your decision, let them ask…. it will never stop, just give them some dumb excuse…
Post # 4
Member
5423 posts
Bee Keeper
There is nothing wrong with not having children. You’re 20 and in school. Some people are crazy to even ask you. Plus you’ve been married a week, When people pester you, just tell them its not on your plate right now.
Post # 5
Member
628 posts
Busy bee
@Trent323: don’t feel bad about not wanting kids. I had two children and it was quite the decision to make as a career-minded person. I decided to have them for my husband under the premise that he would be the one to stay at home and care-give and/or work part-time only in order to be there for them. However, I also made sure I thought ahead…if my husband left or died would I still be okay with my decision? I am lucky I thought this out on my own because my husband left just after the second child was born 🙁 Needless to say, my career has suffered a lot from this decision, but I have nobody to blame but myself. The moral of my story is that you should not let anybody pressure you into something that you personally don’t want to do…otherwise you may resent your children and that would be terrible I think.
Post # 6
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
My husband and I are childfree. We will NEVER have kids. My Mother-In-Law doesn’t believe it and used to make all sorts of comments. You do NOT have to put up with this. Your husband need to sit with her and tell her that you two are not having kids. Add that it is deeply disrespectful to continue after the two of you have made your position clear. That she has made it clear that she wants grandkids and she needs to stop going on about it.
It sounds like she has issues with boundaries in general, so you’ll have to start enforcing boundaries on all fronts. Set a day 1 time per month to see his family. Make a no-texts-or-calls-after-9 pm rule. Whatever you need. Tell them when their behavior is unaccetaptable and s enforce it. This kind of thing can put a lot of stress on your relationship.
Post # 7
Member
8 posts
Newbee
@dihy: I am so sorry that your husband left after your 2nd child was born. That is awful 🙁 Thank you fo your input though. My husband and myself are also very career-minded people and I just feel like if we had kids that we would resent them like you said and well that would be awful. No child deserves that.
Post # 8
Member
8 posts
Newbee
@dihy: I am so sorry that your husband left after your 2nd child was born. That is awful 🙁 Thank you fo your input though. My husband and myself are also very career-minded people and I just feel like if we had kids that we would resent them like you said and well that would be awful. No child deserves that.
Post # 9
Member
8 posts
Newbee
Thank you all very much for all of your input, you each have very valid points. I agree with you @MrsBroccoli: There does need to be boundries about call times, and such.
@LadyCupcake: That is obsurd that your inlaws still expect you to have children!
Thank you all though for all your input and support. I am only 20 and in school. Hopefully they will quit asking I doubt it but, like LadyCupcake said I will continue to make up dumb excuses. I just wish people would get the picture that some people just aren’t meant to have children….. Plus last time I saw my doctor they told me if I ever had a child it would have to be a C-section becuase my pelvis is to small and giving birth would break my pelvis. Anyways, thank you all again for all your support and helpful information!!
Post # 10
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee
Just lie and tell them you’re infertile. That should create enough awkwardness to shut them up about it for a while, especially if you can cry on command. 😉
I’m kidding, of course… but seriously, it’s OK to not want children. You shouldn’t feel guilty about that at all. Whatever you do, don’t tell them that you’re not ready for them yet. The only thing that will accomplish is to encourage them to continue asking. (Are you ready now? How ’bout now? Now?) Be honest and upfront about your decision. You’re adults, and it’s your choice. Your Mother-In-Law has 2 other kids she can pester about grandchildren. Flat out tell her that the topic is not open for discussion, and if you somewhere down the road change your mind, you’ll tell her, but until that time, you’d appreciate it if she’d stop asking.
Also, get used to being asked this question a LOT over the next 10-12 years. From everyone… friends, family, acquantances, you name it. It won’t stop until you hit about 34-35. By then, they’ll have given up.
Post # 11
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
Once you guys move your fiance needs to be firm with his parents about not driving to their house everyday. He can tell them that you can’t afford the gas or he can be frank and tell them that it’s way out of the way for him and it’s not convienent or appropriate for him to be visiting that often.
As for the cf issue. You have my sympathy. I’m in the same boat. My Future Mother-In-Law is still in the hinting stage and hasn’t started overtly pressurig me yet but I assume that will start after we get married. My plan is to tell her “It makes me uncomfortable when you ask me if and when I plan to have unprotected sex with your son. Our sex life is private and I have no intention of discussing it with you. Please stop asking.” Feel free to borrow this.
Post # 12
Member
8 posts
Newbee
@futureMrsTapp: haha I love your first idea esp. the cry on command. made me giggle 🙂 I can cry on command though lol I hope they give up before i am 35 lol It makes me want to pull my hair out!!
Post # 13
Member
8 posts
Newbee
@arendiva: I agree we need to have a talk with them about how much it costs and how inconvient it is for himt o drive to their house every day!.
I may steal you line that you are going to tell her. That is great! Surely that will shut them up. Usually when the word sex gets mentioned everyone is quiet. Wonder if it would be distasteful of me to use this line at Christmas when I have to go there….. 😉
Post # 14
Member
919 posts
Busy bee
Parents can be such a pain in the arse about this.
I’ve been married twice, first time when I was just 21. My mother started with the baby crap when I’d barely been married 6 months…after years of me telling her that I didn’t like children and would never have any of my own. I’m talking about since I was about 8.
My second Mother-In-Law was bad for it, too. Even when she was dying she managed to get a dig in about it. The blame was totally in my court, too, even though her son, my now ex H, demanded I have an abortion when I did get pregnant. It took all my self control not to tell her that…
Sadly, people didn’t stop asking the question until I was in my early 40s. You just can’t stop them, even hearing it a million times didn’t stop some people. All you can do is try not to take it heart.
Personally, I would find it very refreshing if more young women (and perhaps men) admitted publically that they didn’t want children. It’s not like the world needs anymore.
Post # 16
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
Tell her she gets grandchildren (from you) when she figures out how to have them herself.