Post # 1
Have you had an in law that makes you feel guilty when you do things? An example is we are going on vacation for our first longish trip as a couple. We are both excited about it and I took a contracting job to get out of a bad job and later went as needed (per contract rule after the contract ended). Financially we were stranded in our city for the last 6 months. I recently got a full time job.
My Mother-In-Law is always like I wish you would visit so and so (family). We did that before the wedding a year ago. We have said we would make an effort to go visit. I will have used majority of my PTO for this trip so I have to save to build up.
My in laws are not financially smart with money. I think there is a money sensitive issue here but I am not sure how to address. I have told my husband now I feel down and guilty about this trip, but it is something we have planned for the last year. I’m not sure if he should say something. Other than our weekend after wedding we have not gone anywhere for an extended time (longer than 4 days).
Another example is we are doing a staycation at a nice hotel (reward points) for our anniversary for one night. The Mother-In-Law starts going over all we did was sharing the cake and a glass of champagne at the house.
I do not want to have to be sensitive all the time about traveling especially because we have planned and budgeted for this trip. Just at a loss because I do not want to have to hide life experiences if that makes sense.
Post # 2
Sounds like this shouldn’t be something you talk to the in-laws about unless you want them making judgmental comments and generally trying to guilt you and ruin the experience.
Post # 3
I understand that you can’t help your feelings, but they really are your feelings to deal with. You can’t change how your Mother-In-Law behaves — unless you think getting your husband to speak to her about not making comments about your vacations will work. You’ll need to work on controlling your guilt by realizing that you have nothing to feel guilty for in the first place. If you can’t do that, other people’s unjust behavior and opinions will dictate your life forever.
Post # 4
First, your decisions are completely reasonable and you have nothing to feel guilty about.
DH/You could talk to them about it. My guess is they’ll always throw these comments in from time to time. Work on a good stiff upper lip. Have some one-liners ready like “As great as that sounds, this is the plan we’ve made and we are pretty excited for it!” or “Yea we look forward to visiting them soon”
That, or just dont share so much with them.
Post # 5
Yeah, you have nothing to feel guiltly about. You are doing what’s right for you, and its your vacation and PTO, you get to choose how you want to spend it. Work on letting their comments roll off your back or just stop sharing with them.
If it makes you feel better, any time my husband and I book a trip my SIL books either the same or a similar one. So it could be worse!
Post # 6
Sunshine024 : LOL, oh dear. I feel for you! Hopefully you dont tell her dates until its too late for her to join you!
Post # 7
You don’t have any control over her feeling some type of way about you doing things with your husband. You do have control over whether or not you choose to feel badly or tell her stuff. I’d focus on the things I could control and cut back on telling her my business and/or start making it clear that I don’t take guilt trips so she could save sayings like “I wish you would…” for her genie in a bottle.
Post # 8
I get those kinds of comments from some of my family members, too. There is nothing to feel guilty about. As a couple it is important that you get away and spend time with each other. I just try not to talk to those people about my vacations in great details. I also have to remember that they will give me a hard time no matter what I do because some people are like that.
Post # 9
Ugh I hate this crap. Mother-In-Law does this to me every fall “omg I haven’t seen you in forever, you’re never around”
Yes mother in law…. from August to November I coach an activity that is highly competitive for 2 organizations 5 days a week. The 2 days I get, I try to do laundry, see my husband, catch up on sleep and appointments. It’s the same EVERY YEAR, and every year she complains. Also she competed in this activity herself in high school at the same school I coach at, so you’d think she would understand. Never mind she never complains about husband’s coaching season. Also the only time I see my own parents is because they come to the competitions, she never has.
Should add we live 10 minutes away…. I compete less than an hour away. My parents are 45 minutes away and make more of an effort. Oh except when In Laws decide to just spontaneously show up on our only mutual day off and expect us to be there for them and then make us late to our other plans.
Blarg sorry to hijack but she was literally JUST doing this so I was do for a fresh rant
Post # 10
Anything she comments on negatively is a topic you delete from all future conversations. (You can tell her you’re doing this if you feel it will help.) Soon you will be down to the weather and movies and maybe your garden (unless she objects to how you water your potted plants). Conversations will be boring and safe and empty and, I trust, short.
You don’t have to put up with being criticized every time you open your mouth. Be the gray rock–dull, dull, dull. She doesn’t need to know what you’re doing. At all. Especially if you ever have children. “Oh, she’s fine. No, nothing new, particularly. Just the usual.”