MIL only addressed wedding card to my husband

posted 2 weeks ago in The Lounge
  • poll: Was what my MIL did rude

    Yes

    No

    Other explain why please

  • Post # 2
    Member
    373 posts
    Helper bee

    Without knowing the contents of the card, my guess is his mom wanted to write something specifically to her son on his wedding day, especially because she gave the card to him privately. Without any other issues in your relationship with your Mother-In-Law, I wouldn’t take this to mean anything. It’s a big moment when your child marries – it’s okay to have something between the two of them, assuming she’s typically kind and friendly with you, and you’ve been welcomed into the family.

    Personally, I wouldn’t bring it up. And I’d have your husband write the thank you.

    Post # 3
    Member
    24 posts
    Newbee

    Yes what your Mother-In-Law did was extremely rude! I am a Mother-In-Law myself and while I’m far from perfect I would  never dream of leaving her name off on a wedding card even if I didn’t like her which I do. I would just write both your names on the thank you card and hopefully she gets the hint. 

    I would be tempted the next time your husband sends them a card for say the holidays or something to just address it to his father and not his mother because that’s the equivalent of what his mother did. 

    I’m sorry you’re hurting bee. I definitely wouldn’t be doing anymore girl days with her. I would continue to be polite of course or visit when your husband goes but she can’t extend common courtesy to you and treat you like a member of the family I certainly wouldn’t be treating her like a second mother.

    Post # 5
    Member
    4793 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    View original reply
    @fallisintheair256:  if you have a good relationship with her then I’d seriously just overlook this. She might of literally had a brain fart and literally out of 27 years of habit accidentally addressed the card solo. It would be awful to confront her to find out it was an accident. She’s nice to you, you have a good relationship with her, I don’t see why you’d jump to offence and hurt over this. Most people would just read it as an unintentional oversight or just maybe that she wanted to write some kind special to her son on his wedding day.

    Leave it and get your husband to send her a thank you in his writing from the both of you. That is what is appropriate in this situation with a Mother-In-Law who has always been kind to you and supportive of your relationship. It is easy to find offense when you look…

    Post # 6
    Member
    659 posts
    Busy bee

    It does seem incredibly rude – I don’t buy the excuse that she could have wanted to write a personal note to her son, because she could have done that separately and still signed the card to both of you.  

    The most important thing is that your husband sees this as odd behaviour – I’d be a lot more worried if he were defending it as normal!

    Since you are both on the same page about this, and since you are not aware of any issues with your Mother-In-Law apart from this, I’d just ignore it.  It could be a momentary lapse which won’t be repeated.  Write a thank you card from both of you and continue to treat her the same.  I’d only raise it if future Christmas/anniversary cards etc are only addressed to him, or if she starts trying to exclude you in other ways.

    Post # 9
    Member
    441 posts
    Helper bee

    View original reply
    @fallisintheair256:  I’m not an etiquette snob and I find this incredibly rude. She could easily have given her son a private note and still given a card to both of you. That is a lame excuse and it feels intentional. However, I don’t think it’s worth blowing up an otherwise good relationship though. 
    I would personally write a thank you from both of you. A thank you isn’t just for the gift, but a thank you for the person’s  attendance. And leave at that for now. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    2586 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    View original reply
    @fallisintheair256:  What your Mother-In-Law did was incredibly rude and she should know better, but I wouldn’t address it. Write the thank you note with both names on it and move on – don’t allow this to invite drama into your relationship as a newlywed. It’s not worth it. If it makes you feel better, I have a horrible relationship with my mother in law and on our wedding day, she returned the wedding invitation to us as our gift. 🤷🏾‍♀️

    Post # 12
    Member
    1466 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: City, State

    It’s not rude.

    Mother-In-Law didn’t write a wedding card to you both and exclude you awkwardly. She wrote a card to her son that you have decided should have been meant for both of you. She wrote his name on the card and gave it to him. Every present or check on a wedding day is not automatically a joint gift or card.

    People are still entitled to give a gift to their own children/ friends separate from their new spouses.  A fair amount of wedding gifts I’ve given and received were written in one person’s name, or were clearly intended for one person (like expensive jewelry, or a suit). Checks are also often written in one name in case the couple hasn’t established joint accounts yet. No offense was meant, and none was taken.

    Your SO can write the thank you, or you can both write one… you may feel that your wedding symbolizes xyz about families and coming together and that only joint gifts are appropriate. Your guests aren’t obligated to feel that way.

    Just thank people for attending and contributing to your lives together. After all, you’re a unit now. If you believe in it, then take a gift addressed to one of you as a gift to both of you.

    Post # 13
    Member
    1214 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2019

    This!! @coffeecakez:  “Mother-In-Law didn’t write a wedding card to you both and exclude you awkwardly. She wrote a card to her son that you have decided should have been meant for both of you.”

    I’d have absolutely no problem with my Mother-In-Law giving my husband a card on our wedding day and I hope he would have no problem with my mom giving me a card. I’d assume the gift/money was for both of us. If my parents write me a card and give me 10k on my wedding day it’s not a slight to H. And yes, I’d assume it’s a joint gift and no, I wouldn’t expect an additional card with his name on it… That’s completely unnecessary and a waste of paper.

    Since you have a good relationship with her taking offense to this seems overly sensitive. Not writing your name on a card to her son doesn’t mean she doesn’t recognize you as family, it was a card for him on his wedding day.

    Expecting a separate card for the two of you to “recognize you as a couple” seems over the top. You have a good relationship, she was at your wedding, she participated in the wedding, she welcomed you into the family, why do you need an additional card to prove that you are a member of the family…

    Post # 14
    Member
    2192 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Don’t ruin a good relationship over a card.  It sounds like she just wanted to do something special for her son.  Would have been nice if she also did something for both of you as well but it doesn’t automatically mean she hates you or something. 

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