(Closed) MIL Problems…Need Advice (Long)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Hidden_Identity:  I think you just need to be kind but firm. Thank her for her opinions, if it’s a good suggestion take it, if it’s a bad one just let her know things are already taken care of.

If she’s bad-talking you to her son, he needs to let her know that his allegiances are to you now and it is not ok for her to do that to him.

I’d hope most of this would settle down after the wedding since weddings tend to make people a bit crazy.

It sounds like she’s getting a lot of wedding stress even though se’s the MOG not the bride.

Is she contributing any money? Or just a lot of unwanted opinions?

Post # 3
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

double post…

Post # 4
Member
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@KatNYC2011: I agree.

I’d also state again for emphasis that you should talk to Fiance. Not in any sort of accusatory way, but let him know that this is causing you stress, worry, and frustration. Not that you doubt your relationship but you doubt the way you’ll be able to handle her constant involvement and how that will stress you two out.

He needs to handle this one dead on. Mama or not, you’re the new woman in his life. Even if she is paying/contributing, she shouldn’t be contributing all this extra stress and sniping. I’ve had this convo with Mr.ND already, and he straight up said to her the next time “it’s our wedding, not yours, and I don’t appreciate X,Y,Z. I know your intentions are good, but it’s causing stress and you’ve already had your own wedding, this one is ours.” It wasn’t exactly warm and fuzzy, but it’s calmed things down a lot.

I think this is your FI’s issue to manage, and you need to communicate to him how and why it bothers you. Best of luck!

Post # 6
Member
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Oh god.  While I never did marry my ex, his mother was definitely our main stressor.   He needs to tell her that this is your wedding, not hers, and while you will listen to her suggestions, you do not need to commit to them.

What broke us up was when I got pregnant with our son.   She got demanding during the pregnancy and he never addressed her.   Then, when our son was born, she started saying things about my breastfeeding, and many other things.   My ex struggled with parenting demands and she convinced him to move home since it was too much for him.

My lesson?   He needs to support you AND set her straight in a firm but gentle way.   He needs to reassure her that the two of you are adults and while you will make mistakes during the way, the choice is yours.  If you feel like he won’t always have your back, it should be something that’s addressed before the wedding.

I remember that frustration and feeling like I was on pins and needles.   I hope you can get her to start respecting your decisions.

Post # 7
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

@Hidden_Identity:  You have no idea how identical our lives sound right now! I’ve been looking for days for people who have gone through something similar so I could garner some advice without having to spill all the details of my life in front of everyone. My Fiance and I come from different backgrounds and are working on incorporating both families’ traditions into the wedding. My future in-laws went from being warm and welcoming to cold and full of hatred almost overnight after I asked what I thought was a very innocuous question. At the same time, my Future Mother-In-Law keeps telling us that she expects this and that from things having to deal with the wedding all the way to how her grandchildren are going to be raised. I’m having trouble getting Fiance to stand up to them and tell them that they’re being childish, that I make him happy and that should be enough for their approval, and that we’re going to build our family the way we think is best.

Okay… so maybe not as identical as I first thought, but we have a lot of the same worries. Will this calm down when we’re married and nobody is dealing with the stress of planning the wedding or are these things that are just now cropping up only a sign of things to come? While I don’t know the answer to that question, I do know that we come first and my family and his family come second.

Post # 8
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I highly recommend having him read Toxic Parents and having you read Toxic Inlaws.  SO helpful.  FI’s mother is a manipulator/guilt tripper.  The books really helped us untangle twisted thinking, ending manipulation cycles, and setting boundries.  The biggest thing was learning not to tell her about anything until it already came to pass.  For example, we did not ask her to look at venues with us, we told her which one we put a deposit on.  She couldn’t express her negative opinions on things that were already done.  If she did, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but it’s already set in stone.”

The other big thing we learned was to approach everything as US/WE.  WE do not want a buffet, we want an upscale rehearsal dinner to match the mood of the wedding, etc.  Nothing was Me vs Future Mother-In-Law or Fiance vs Future Mother-In-Law.  It has helped the process become Our Wedding Planning, not FMIL’s Opinion Game.

Post # 9
Member
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@MrsBroccoli:  That is great advice.   But, you really need to make sure your partner is 100% on board for this to work.

Post # 10
Member
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I  don’t want this to sound negative but it probably will continue on the way you are dreading. She will most likely get worse once you have children. I lived this for 18 years and tried everything I could to get my Mother-In-Law to like me and she just never did. I had her over every mothers day for dinner….the whole shebang. At least your Mother-In-Law is being polite to you. I think her badmouthing you to her son needs to STOP. He should stand up to his Mom and tell her that it hurts HIM when she talks badly of you and your family. But getting him to do so might be hard. My ex always took my part when Mother-In-Law was making trouble. My current fiance has a hard time standing up for me…and it is with his grown kids(who are rude to me and disprespect him). I’ve found it is either in them or it’s not.

I hope your fiance will put an end to this. He doesn’t even have to be mean to do so. Just set the boundary with his Mom that he does not want to hear any derogatory things about you or your family.

I understand how upsetting this is for you. How could it not be? But probably the best attitude to adopt is one of not letting it get to you overmuch. Don’t give her the power to upset you. Listen to her ideas if you have to and respectfully disagree or do what YOU/FH want. We can’t live our lives to please others. Good Luck!

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