Post # 1
I am having a bit of a dilemma: I do not want kids at my wedding! My Fiance is on the same page as I, however his mother has spoken up and said “it’s not a very good idea” to not invite them. He is half-Italian and he says that kids are always invited to (his Italian side of the family’s) weddings and that he would be the first to say no which would stir up controversy. In my mind, it’s OUR day and we should be able to do as we wish.. But I feel cornered by his mother to invite the kids of the family because it’s where people get to “showcase” them. I have a good relationship with my Mother-In-Law and don’t want to cause friction – so what am I supposed to do?!
Post # 3
Are there certain families she’s concerned about?
If they are used to having kids at weddings, Future Mother-In-Law is trying to spare you some disappointment.
I did a no-kid thing and was suprised at how offended people where. Some chose not to attend because of it (extended family members).
It sounds like you are very set about not having kids at the wedding. I would tell your Future Mother-In-Law the reasons why you and Fiance decided on no kids and allow her to share her views on the subject. Just because you listen to her reasons doesn’t mean you have to change your mind. 😉
Post # 4
umm…. aren’t you and your Fiance the ones that are to be “showcased”? not other peoples kids…. no thanks..
Tell her that
1.) you really cannot afford to have the children come
2. ) there will be alchohol there and you are concerned about a. the drinking around the children and b. the supervision or lack there of of the kiddies
3. If plates, centerpeices (if your venue supplyes them), glasses, get broken you will have to pay for them
4. You and Fiance have dicussed it and the answer is no.
Post # 5
I would consider acquiescing… If it’s really not the way his (mother’s) family does things you’ll spend the rest of your married life being the woman who wouldn’t allow kids at her wedding. Maybe you’d be fine with that (how often do you see those family members? How important is family harmony?)
I’m not saying you have to if you’re really dead set against it, but I would really carefully consider the impact of your decision before putting your foot down.
Post # 6
Well I believe she is concerned just about her husband’s extended family (FI’s father – the Italian side). She may have other reasons, but on both occasions I approached the issue, she just said that “it wasn’t a good idea – people always bring their kids”. And also said that no one has ever done that before, implying that there would be a negative response on their part.
Being new to the family I really don’t want to offend people, but he never even sees his extended family anyway except for at weddings – which is probably why they always bring their kids!
Post # 7
While I’m not on board with the “showcasing”, it sounds like my family situation is similar to your FI’s. Kids are expected to be invited. While that doesn’t bother me, I can see how it could bother others. I’m going to have 21 kids at my wedding. Some people just aren’t down for that.
One of my friends hired a few babysitters and kept the kids in another room. Could you do that? That way, the parents can still bring the children, but they’re not running a muck around your reception.
Post # 8
Those are all very valid points, thank you! It was like “our wedding – our choice” was just not acceptable! I doubt she will budge on the issue but at least she can see the other potential implications of having them there.
Post # 9
That’s exactly what I want to avoid. But perhaps there is just no such thing unless I allow kids to come. Family harmony is very important, however those family members we hardly see. I don’t think my Future Mother-In-Law will hold a grudge against me, but I think she’s trying to save me from being labeled as “the first woman who didn’t invite kids to her wedding”. I care about what she thinks, but not really his extended family with the children as we don’t ever see them! I also think she fears being given a hard time about it; it is an awkward situation to be put in.
Post # 10
The babysitter option is a good point however knowing them they will even be offended over that! There just is no pleasing everyone
Post # 11
@Soon2BMrs.T: We are in a similar situation, except having kids at the wedding didn’t bother me so I allowed it. But yeah, big Italian family, kids are always invited to weddings, and I can imagine how I would feel disrupting that family tradition, you’re still a long way out though, so you have plenty of time to plan around it.
Consider the sitters, also consider doing a kids table (or multiple) so the grown up tables are kid free. I don’t know about you, but some of my friends are potty-mouths and I would hate to have an f-bomb slip with a 4 year old present.
Don’t stress about it! If your Future Mother-In-Law is being rational (just trying to keep you informed, not demanding) then maybe you can sit down and chat about it, ask about other family weddings, see how people have handled the issue before. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision.
Post # 12
I’m sorry, but unless your Mother-In-Law is paying for the entire reception, then it’s YOUR wedding (meaning you and your FI). If neither of you want the kids there, and you’re paying for it (or your parents are paying for it) then no kids. End of story. All those kids add up and cost money to feed, and if they’re older kids (IE, young teenagers) then it’ll be YOUR responsibility to make sure they aren’t served alcohol. It is not your job to provide a venue to ‘showcase’ the family children, this is ridiculous. This day is about the two of you. I didn’t allow children at my first wedding (with the exception of my own nieces and nephew who were in my wedding party), I’m not inviting other people’s children to this wedding, and no one else I know allowed children at theirs either.
However, if your Mother-In-Law is paying for the entire reception, well then you must invite the children and be done with it. I will say that some of my favorite pics from my first wedding were the ones where my youngest niece (who was 2 at the time) got ahold of a giant bunch of balloons, got tangled in them and ran around the reception like a crazy baby…LOL.
Either way, I think you and your Fiance need to sit down and discuss with your Mother-In-Law that this is YOUR wedding, and as much as you appreciate her input, neither of you feel comfortable having children at your wedding. Honestly, no matter what you do, you are going to offend someone, somewhere…as soon as you stop trying to make EVERYONE happy, the easier your wedding planning will become. Good luck!!
Post # 13
Personally, the more I think about it, the more I think that having young children at a formal wedding where there will be alcohol is rather innapropriate. Children shouldn’t be in an adult atmosphere where they can potentially overhear grownup conversation and witness silly antics of adults who have had a few cocktails. But…that’s just me, maybe I’m being a little too overdramatic with this one LOL.
Post # 14
@MerryWidow: Agreed. I think a lot of it depends on if Future Mother-In-Law is paying or not. If she’s not, then it’s really not up to her.
My Future Mother-In-Law gives me a hard time about no kids too. We are doing 16 and up and the only kid will be my youngest cousin (she will be 7) because she’s my Flower Girl. Fiance has 2 younger girl cousins who are MONSTERS that aren’t invited and the family isn’t happy because my cousin is in the wedding. Well, they aren’t paying a dime for the wedding, so they have no say in who gets invited.
Post # 15
It sounds like Future Mother-In-Law is not trying to be dictatorial, she’s just letting @Soon2BMrs.T: know what their family tradition is. It is certainly S2B’s wedding and she’s entitled to do what she likes, but that doesn’t mean her Future Mother-In-Law can’t tell her how their family usually does things. There’s a difference between “you can’t not invite children, people will be offended” and “if you don’t invite children, people might be offended”. The former is a rude imposition, the latter is a helpful bit of advice to take into consideration.
Post # 16
I was in the same boat as you, and wanting to do an adult-only reception (otherwise, I thought, where do we cut off?) However, this REALLY REALLY offended his family, and almost got me “kicked out” of the family. It was awful even though much of the reason was due to limited space. We finally came to the conclusion that we would invite “immediate family member” kids…meaning his and mine neices/nephews, our God-children, and then our direct (first) cousins (2 of my first cousins happen to also be my god children). That brings us up to 12 kids under 18, so I was ok with that compromise. Could you do something like this?
Everyone else’s invitation is getting:
“We are requesting an adult-only reception. Thank you for your understanding and support.”
If you don’t put something like that, you may have to make some phone calls for people who include their kids on the response card.