MIL Sent STDs with Venue We didnt pick

posted 1 week ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
927 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1995

I thought most save the dates only had a date and general location.  The one I got last week had the date and the town.  

I think you are fine to send invites with the correct location.  Future Mother-In-Law is majorly overstepping here.  Might want to rethink her hand in the invites.  

Post # 3
Member
1827 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Yes, you can. It’s not as if guests are going to be making decisions based on the particular venue if both are in the same town.

Post # 4
Member
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

Yes you totally can change the venue, I’m sure it happens often.

 

The biggest issue here is how much your Mother-In-Law overstepped the mark. You guys need to have a frank discussion with her.

Post # 5
Member
2500 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

If they’re in the same town yes you can definitely change the venue. But you need to shut this shit down with your Mother-In-Law and immediately fire her from all wedding tasks. Do not let her do your invitations, pay for them yourself. 

Post # 7
Member
7319 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Wow, that’s manipulative as hell! 

I’d change the venue on principle at this point…she needs to learn she can’t just dictate this type of thing. Especially as you and your fi are the one’s footing the bill.

I definitely would not let her do the invitations.

Post # 8
Member
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2018

A friend of mine sent his Save the Date cards, and when the invites came they’d changed the venue to a town which was 5 hours drive away from the original venue. They put a note inside the invite explaining why they’d changed the location, and I think most people were still able to go.

Unfortunately though, we were unable to go because of the travel, so it was disappointing.

I think as long as you’re looking at somewhere in the same area it should be fine, but it might be worth reaching out to people who might be booking hotels, just in case they’re looking for somewhere as close as possible to the venue.

And if it were me, that would be the last thing Mother-In-Law was allowed to do in relation to the wedding, she’d be getting no more details at all.

Post # 9
Member
2072 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

jessicabee1234 :  I have never even seen a STD with a venue listed…

And Mother-In-Law sounds like she is INCREDIBLY manipulative. It’s definitely important to be sure you and FH present a united front and shut that crap down now. If she’s this sneaky and high-handed, she’s going to be the kind of gramma who brings home the baby with pierced ears and act like she can’t understand why you might be upset about that.

Just send the invitations with the correct venue information. If people have questions, they’ll probably reach out. Be prepared for some clarifying phone calls, but don’t feel like you are somehow committed to that location; people might not even notice, but if there’s a discrepancy, most people will assume the invitation has the correct information.  

Post # 10
Member
10978 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Your future mother in law is the rude one.  Save the Dates aren’t even meant to include the specific venue, just the date and general location. It’s not an invitation. But what’s done is done, so I would probably eventually reach out by email to let people know that the invitation reflects a venue change. 

Post # 11
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

Wow. That is some next level manipulative insanity. I’m sure you had quite the confrontation, but what you need to do now is stop the information train. She gets no more details on ANYTHING. And your fiance needs to be on board with this. I hate to say this, but I would also warn vendors about her sticking her nose in. I typically opt for the “less drama” category but this could become a real problem. Do not take any more money or have her help out on anything else. If she asks about anything, you need to find a neutral response about how “we’re still thinking about it, thanks” or “we’ve booked this place and that’s where we’re doing it” Basically just tell her when and where to show up. If she pitches a fit, ignore it. 

Do you have a wedding website? You can post on there the actual location and a little note of “sorry for the mix up” type of thing. You also need to practice a neutral response when you get questions from people on why the venue changed. Even though she probably deserves it, you throwing your Mother-In-Law under the bus won’t look good on you. So a “our dream venue had an opening so we jumped on it” response will look better on you than “my Future Mother-In-Law is a complete psycho” response. 

Post # 12
Member
6093 posts
Bee Keeper

Definitely change the venue!  Incredibly rude that she overstepped that bad.  Especially since you had told her you were loooking at choosing another one. I ‘d still find it rude but if she hadn’t known you weren’t going to choose the church I don’t think it would be that bad but she is still crazy town

Post # 13
Member
416 posts
Helper bee

The fact that she acted nonchalant about it? Totally intentional move to get you two married in the church. That’s SO incredibly manipulative. 

I’m glad you got your feelings out in your conversation with her. Send the invites with your actual venue listed, give those you’re particularly close to a heads up, and keep Future Mother-In-Law out of the loop on future wedding planning. 

Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, if this is standard behavior for her, keep her out of the loop on most everything, especially before it’s happened. She may be one of those people who gets to know the details of something after it’s already occurred, never before. 

Post # 14
Member
5591 posts
Bee Keeper

What a piece of work she is! Send the invitations with the correct information and perhaps spread word of mouth that the venue on the Stds is incorrect. 

Post # 15
Member
2156 posts
Buzzing bee

Yes, you can absolutely change the venue. 

Traditionally, you don’t list the venue on a Save the Date, just the town/city and state.  For your future Mother-In-Law to go around you by ordering Save-The-Date Cards (listing the venue SHE wants) without giving you a chance to approve the proofs and then sending them out before you had a chance to see them, too?  That’s a total HBIC power play. 

You need to shut this BS down.  She’s demonstrated she won’t play fair, she is manipulative, and she cares more about what she wants. 

Stop the info train with her and stop letting her have any control over wedding decisions.  If she protests, tell her “Sorry, Mother-In-Law. You abused our trust with that stunt you pulled with the Save-The-Date Cards, so you’re no longer involved in wedding planning activities.”

And once you start picking vendors, ask them about password protection (like a verbal password that is required to change the terms of the contract, the timeline, etc).  Your future Mother-In-Law sounds like the type to “helpfully” call the florist and the bakery 2 week sbefore the wedding to changer your roses to tulips and your 3 layer lemon cake to a 5 layer carrot cake.  

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