(Closed) MIL shower drama, trying to break up marriage. Please need advice.

posted 7 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
3182 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Sorry you’re going through this!  Without knowing all the ins and outs of your relationship, it sounds like your husband isn’t doing his part sticking up for you.  He’s the one you need to sit and talk to! 

Post # 4
Member
1120 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

Wow. sorry your in-laws are so difficult. Unfortunately for you, I think your mother is right. They are your child’s grandparents, your husband’s parents, so they are also part of your family and you can’t just not see them ever…

I think it’s the kind of situation where you just have to go, smile, play nice, and be happy when dinner’s over and it’s time to go home…

 

Post # 5
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Whoa, sorry you are going through this.  I think you really have two choices here: 1) let your husband deal with them exclusively and don’t go to their house, or anywhere else with them; or 2) accept that some people are just crazy, don’t feed into their drama, just smile and nod.  I know that is easier said than done, but I can’t think of any other way out of this.

Post # 6
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I have some similar issues with my IL’s(they’re divorced but both crazy). Mother-In-Law specifically. It’s been a very rough road. Darling Husband had stopped talking to her for 4 months, but recently she pressured him to go talk with her and her therapist. He agreed and now they have smoothed things over, so that they at least have conversation. I really don’t want anything to do with her, because she is abusive towards me, and to be honest everyone. She also tried to get my mother involved through a facebook message and my mother quickly put her in her place. She even had her bf call me and verbally assault me once too, which is the reason Darling Husband had stopped talking to her.  I have decided that I will be all smiles for holiday’s but that’s it. No extra activities or anything like that.  I will keep visits very short and will probably schedule my families stuff after theirs in order to get out. However, my Darling Husband is supportive of this. I think you’re in a little bit tighter of a spot because he seems to be caught in the middle.

Post # 7
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2011

That sounds like a tough situation.  If I were in your position I would make an effort and be as kind as possible.  Be the bigger person for your child’s sake.  It’s not about who’s right or wrong, its about providing the best possible family support for him/her. 

Post # 8
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I think the larger issue is your husband not supporting you.  He needs to see how ridiculous his family is, and stand his ground with you, because right now it is you against everyone, including him.  You need a united front, and then to put your foot down. There is no reason that a family should act that way, and you have every right to stand up for yourself,a nd not lay down and take it. I know some people are telling you the opposite, but I honestly could not do that, my head would explode!

Post # 9
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

While I don’t have a baby on the way, I do have similar problems with my future ILs and my Fiance not sticking up for me. I can completely relate to everything you say, including denying things they say and do.

I tried to confront my Future Mother-In-Law on the phone – she denied everything when we talked and basically caused a huge blow up. The biggest issue we have is that my Fiance has not seen his mother acting this way ever before, so he has a hard time believing it. Yet, his ex-girlfriend had the same treatment (her and I are very good friends now).

My solution is to record all calls and have no conversations that are either not recorded or he is not present. This way, when she dares to lie, I can playback exactly what she says. I avoid talking to her on my own now – I go for family events, and just try to be nice. I keep my mouth shut the majority of the time, as something always comes out to bite me.

I was also raised to be able to speak my mind and tell someone when I wasn’t comfortable with something. My Fiance was not. His parents flip out whenever he has a fight with either of his siblings, as that is unacceptable. His mom hates that I bicker with my sisters – but that is life and while we fight and argue, we love each other and probably get along better and want to hang out more than Fiance and his siblings.

It’s hard, and it likely won’t get better, unless you Fiance decides to stick up for you or your inlaws get a reality check. Hey, it may happen..

Post # 10
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Two things need to happen:

1)You and your husband have to talk. You have to find out why he doesn’t back you up and/or deal with his difficult parents so you aren’t put in such an awkward position all the time. It would be nice if your husband would agree to stop discussing your marriage with his parents, and stop running home to mommy when you two have a fight–I bet that’s 90% of the reason they are awful–because of his actions in the past, they believe that their son will choose them over you.

2)You need to stop feeding the flames. If your Mother-In-Law ignores you at a party? Who cares? You’re having a great time. If your Father-In-Law starts an argument? Tell him to leave until he’s civil, or leave the room and let your husband deal with him. Stop calling your parents to “witness” the verbal abuse and acusations–that’s straight out of an episode of “Cops.” If your Mother-In-Law yells, don’t yell back. There is a BIG difference between standing up for yourself, and participating in unneccessary drama. You don’t want your child growing up with this kind of hostility being expressed by both sides.

Post # 12
Member
3182 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Personally, I wouldn’t go to Easter.  Can you make plans with your family so at least you have a good reason for not going?  I am of the mindset that just because you are married doesn’t mean you can’t go your separate ways every now and then for holidays and family events anyway. 

Post # 13
Member
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I had similar issues w/ my in-laws (not about kids, just in general) and to answer your ques, yes – go to the dinner and remain happy, positive, and respectful. Honestly, if they try to bring up any of the shower drama, I would respectifully decline talking about that. If she apologizes say thank you & change the subject.

No matter what I have been through w/ my in-laws I have always remained respectful – I have never been in an argument w/ them (my husband has had arguements as a result of standing up for me, but I have never myself) I refuse to argue w/ them.

This is what you need to do – as much as you may not want to bite your tounge, your relationship w/ your husband is more important then speaking your mind to your in-laws. What also needs to happen, is that your husband needs to step in and tell his parents that no outbursts like this shower arguement will happen again, and that they are not to argue, or yell at you again. Point blank, he needs to man up on this one.

Post # 14
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I don’t think there’s any reason you have to go to his parents house for Easter. I think everyone needs to cool down, and they have to see that the more unreasonable they are, the more you will have to adjust how much time you are able to spend with them. Given the recent drama, I think it is reasonable for you and your husband to have a quiet Easter together. Do have your husband call his dad and wish him happy birthday.

Re-reading my previous post, I sound a little harsh on you, and I apologize. The best advice I have ever gotten on dealing with difficult people is that you cannot change how other people behave. You can only change how you react to it. Your original post seemed to equate going toe-to-toe with your Mother-In-Law with “standing up for yourself.” But standing up for yourself (and your child) can also mean speaking quietly, or removing yourself from a situation without comment. Your husband and parents know about this behavior, so there’s no need to “prove” it to anyone, nor will you get any points for “winning” a shouting match with your MIL/FIL. Take care!

Post # 16
Member
3482 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I think since you already agreed to go to Easter dinner, you should. But if your Mother-In-Law in any way disrespects you like she has in the past, then leave.

If she expects to be a part of your child’s life then she needs to get over whatever she has against you and learn to be civil. Your child comes first, and the last thing your kid needs to see is their grandmother constantly disrespecting their mother. It’s up to your ILs. If they want to be actively involved in their grandchild’s life then they need to put their pettiness aside. I would not expose my child to the toxic environment they’re currently creating.

And your husband needs to learn that he can’t just run away from every problem you guys have. He’s going to be a father. What kind of example does he think he’s setting?

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