(Closed) MIL Stress

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
2233 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

That is very annoying and I think while she is genuinely disappointed, she has been very manipulative. 

The good news is that she has given you your way out. You tell your fiancé that you talked to his mum and she’s calmed down thankfully,and given her blessing for you both to do what is right for YOU, – which is a relief to you as you were very unhappy at the 180 on your agreed plans without consultation. Reiterate that given both sets of parents have conflicting agendas, neither of you should concede to requests/pressure without consulting the other and securing their unforced agreement.

Do NOT cave on this issue, but be sure to be scrupulously gracious in all other situations where she isn’t boundary stomping in hobnailed boots. 

Post # 3
Member
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

TBH you don’t have a Mother-In-Law problem, you have an Fiance problem.  My thoughts are just that you should ask him why his mother’s feelings are more important than yours.  Don’t cave.

Post # 4
Member
30398 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

She is his mother. She can have all the conversations she wants with him, withoiut you.

The problem here is your Fiance, not your Future Mother-In-Law. He has a right to change his mind, but that doesn’t automatically mean the two of you are going to do anything different than you originally planned.  The two of you need to discuss it again and either re-affirm your previous decision or come to a new one.

Post # 5
Member
3848 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
thebeanwhisperer :   Well I think the problem actually began here:

” The in laws decided to invite themselves along to our very first officiant meeting after we said we’d like to meet her alone.”

You and your Fiance need to be on the same page, anticipate this sort of intrusion, and shut it down sooner.  

Post # 6
Member
639 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

View original reply
thebeanwhisperer :  

Sounds like he needs to cut the apron strings.

Yes, Fiance reneged on a decision with you. He is making a list of committment and promises (like you coming first before anyone else) in getting married and it seems like he is having issues with it and your not even married yet….

You have every right to get mad that he reneged on a decision/comittment with you. It’s a bit ironic that he is doing that, while promising to put you first by getting married. I’d say it’s a red flag too because your partner should have your back whatever mum says.

However, it’s really up to the two of you how to handle it. You mentioned kids ect. Do you two have a plan in place on how to handle disagreements? What happens when the crocodile tears start and the mum wants traditionally raised Jewish grandkids? His mom changed FI’s mind, how do you handle change normally? 

Honestly, it sounds like your parents want oposite things for the wedding. Is there a way to compromise? Is there a way to turn this into a win win (perhaps expand the pie…2 weddings, but FI’S parents pay for the Jewish one since they are intent on having a Jewish wedding?) Is there a way to do a rabbi and a deacon together in an interfaith thing? Can you incorporate some elements and not others? Is the mum distancing EVERYTHING or is it just this one thing?

 It’s OK to want to make his mom happy once in awhile but it shouldnt come at your expense. It sounds like you’ve done a lot of compromising already, so it’s time to make that clear to him and see what Fiance does next. If he is willing to compromise with you and hold up a bargin, then you are good. But if he bulldozed your opinion and doesn’t respect your feelings that says a lot about him too. It’s your wedding too, and he still needs to craft a vision that you are comfortable with.

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