(Closed) MIL takes over my baby (rant!)

posted 8 years ago in Parenting
Post # 17
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

No real advice but I do want to say that I got the chills reading this. Majorly creepy that she is passing off your child as her own and wants you to have another for the sole purpose of her being able to have your daughter half the time. I would definitely limit time spent with her and have a serious talk with your husband. Weird.

Post # 18
Member
831 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

A few things here:

we (me, Fiance and daughter) went to go visit tonight and just as i was putting my daughters coat on to leave Mother-In-Law says “oh why dont i have her tonight i can bring her back tomorrow morning for you”. i felt a bit blindsided and Fiance agreed she could spend the night.

Post # 19
Member
607 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

View original reply
@Jenn23:  I agree on all counts. Your Mother-In-Law is being crazy and you aren’t over reacting– you are reacting way nicer than I would. But your H needs to grow up and realize that you and your baby are his number 1 now. His mother sounds very controlling and manipulative– waiting until you are putting her coat on to suggest the overnight, therefore intentionally catching you off guard? I think you two need to have a long talk about boundaries and supporting each other, and then HE should be the one that tells grandma to back off. If I were you, I’d have a bunch of excuses ready to blurt out about why she can’t stay over, etc, next time you see her and I would really limit it. You are the mother, and if she isn’t willing to respect that, then she won’t get to see her granddaughter so much. Period.

Post # 20
Member
1645 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

If my husband said my Mother-In-Law could watch DS without me being okay with it, I would FLIP OUT ON HIM!!!! I am pretty protective, but not the the point of being unreasonable. And like you, I have a history with my in-laws that makes it a bit more complicated.

I’ve been in a similar situation, though to a lesser degree. My in laws actually have some restraint, although they still make comments a lot. We stay with them on weekends because my husband generally has to be there to help on the family farm so the hired guys can get some time off. DS is 15 months now.

On July 4 I was at my in-laws after being home alone with DS for the previous 2 days. We had begun mild sleep training to get him to sleep later than 5:30am. My Father-In-Law lost it when DS was fussing in his crib (not even crying) and told me I was abusing my child. It blew up, and has since mostly resolved. But there have been many comments and they undermine me in passive ways, like giving DS crackers when I ask that they not fill him up on snacks. Or making me feel guilty for putting him to sleep at his bedtime since they want him to stay up and play with him more. 

First, I would let your husband know that you value his mom’s involvement in your daughter’s life and that wont change. However you need to draw some boundaries and you need his support. You and your DH need to come to some agreement or it will constantly be an issue in your relationship and eventually you will be resentful. I would think about how you were raised vs how your DH was raised. Think about the more general aspects of what you each want for your daughter with the specifics (grandma involved – grandma is able to do x, y and z, but not a and b.) Take some time to think about the specific concerns you have and what you can compromise on versus what you can’t. It might help to write things down so that when you are discussing it you remember everything and don’t get too emotional.

Once you and DH have an agreement, he should talk to his mother. He needs to explain that you both want her involved with your daughter, but that there need to be some boundaries. These are the things that are non-negotiable, and these are the things we are more flexible on. (For me, DS’s diet and sleep were really important.) If you don’t talk to her together initially, then I would follow up either you and she or you and DH with her. I would reassure your Mother-In-Law that you love her, value her and want her involved. But also explain that this is YOUR daughter, not hers. She had her own kids to raise and this is your turn. You value her input, but ultimately she needs to respect your decisions and not undermine you, otherwise you’ll be around her less.

Ultimately this is YOUR daughter and YOU call the shots. With your DH, of course, but I think you and he each have veto power when it comes to a third person caring for your child. If one of your aren’t comfortable, then the other needs to respect that. In this case you are uncomfortable with some things and DH needs to support you. If he doesn’t, I urge you to be confident in who you are as a mom and stand up to your Mother-In-Law anyway. It will be hard as hell, but I urge you to do it. The longer she feels she can push your around, the harder it will be to change things in the future.

Post # 22
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

She sounds a little unstable getting mad she could only see her behind the glass while your daughter was VERY SiCk in the hospital and wasn’t allowed to have visitors and holding a grudge how about be thankful your daughter is okay passing her off as her own is psycho i wouldn’t leave my child alone with her period and I think you need to explain to your Fiance again where you are coming from maybe he is looking at it like you guys now have the house to yourself when his mom takes the baby & it’s weird she thinks you should have another and the. Leave your daughter there for half of each week wtf? Sorry you have to deal with this it sounds like your Mother-In-Law is lonely and/ or just very controlling and it doesn’t Help that your Fiance isn’t on the same page as you keep updated!

Post # 24
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Omg and she is only 39?? Sorry missed te update that makes it worse I feel like she wants your daughter to be her child that’s insane

Post # 25
Member
5976 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
@penguinslovecrumpets:  Even creepier. While it’s very sad, it’s certainly not your fault that your Future Mother-In-Law couldn’t have more children, and she really needs to stop passing your daughter off as her own. And the unplanned overnights need to stop. If she wants an overnight, then you can plan that out for when your Fiance is home and you can spend time together rather than doing it on a night where you have nothing else going on.

Post # 26
Member
233 posts
Helper bee

The fact that she passes your daughter off as her own is a little creepy.  It is one thin to be a proud grandma and want to spend time with your precious grandbaby, but saying she is your own child….eek!

Post # 28
Member
5295 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

so his mom is only 39 and couldn’t have more kids…so she’s manipulating you into believing that you’re too controlling so that she can take your child when you don’t want her to. And then pretends that your child is actually hers.

 

This is starting to sound like a Lifetime movie!

Post # 30
Member
2085 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012 - Pippin Hill Farm & Vineyards

End this now. This is the first grandchild?  You don’t want to set a precedent.  You are the mama.  Grandmother can dote and spoil, but at the end of the day, you are the mama. Be more assertive with her and end discussion before your husband even opens his mouth when this stuff happens.

 

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