Post # 1
ugh, bees. I’m feeling really frustrated right now. I’m 12 weeks pregnant and my husband and I have just finished telling immediate family and friends. I made it clear(or what I thought was clear) to both my parents and my in-laws that we have no intentions of telling extended family or making a big announcement yet. I was supposed to have my first ultrasound and doctors appointment last week and they ended up having to get rescheduled on my doctors office’s end. Anyway, we really weren’t planning on saying anything until after the ultrasound and appointment.
We told my Mother-In-Law that we’ve told everyone we want to know for now and we still want to wait for everyone else. She said she understood. Yesterday was my husband’s grandmothers 94th birthday party and on the drive there, we were discussing that we should tell her in person too after my appointment. He agreed it was a good idea. She’s grandma and we knew we didn’t want her to hear through the grapevine. We get to the party and everyone is congratulating us for what we assumed was the house we just closed on on Friday. The first person we talked to was asking us some weird questions about a house(“How are you feeling?” But only aimed at me). Weird, but keep in mind we didn’t know people knew. The next person hit us with congrats and then asked “Are you sick yet?”. Hm. Okay. Don’t think that’s about a house. Third person, “do you know what you’re having yet?”
Yeah, definitely not about the house. It was then we realized that in a room is 20 something people, everyone knew I was pregnant. And we didn’t tell any of them. We of course knew my Mother-In-Law spilled the beans. After an afternoon of uncomfortable questioning that I honestly was not ready for, we confronted Mother-In-Law. She instantly became defensive and said she “only told one person” and “swore them to secrecy”. She then attempted to turn it around on that person for spilling the beans, but we didn’t let her deflect. We said we told her that we told everyone that we wanted to know now. She said “but you didn’t explicitly tell me I couldn’t tell people so I assumed it was alright! It was only one person! I was just so excited!” No, we told her. It’s our news to share or not share right now. Again she played the victim, actually saying “Again I can’t do anything right!” Which is her go to when she has done something wrong, but tries to deflect.
Anyway, aside from an uncomfortable birthday party, we’re actually pretty hurt we didn’t get to tell his grandma in person and she DID hear through the grapevine. She didn’t seem to mind, but it feels rude to us. I’m really pushing for more boundaries with Mother-In-Law right now and I’m going to be limiting information that we share with her. I don’t think I’m mad right now, just really annoyed. I know this will all pass in the end, but now I’m scared about having my ultrasound and finding out terrible news, then having to explain it to a group of 20 something people that I see 3 times a year. Am I justified in this guys?
Post # 2
You’re totally justified in your feelings. I’m sure you’ll have some bees defending her by saying, “She was probably just excited” but that’s total bullshit.
From now on, don’t tell her anything. Know the gender? She can find out along with everyone else when you guys are ready. Pregnant with your second? Guess who has to wait along with everyone else?
Post # 3
sunnyland : that’s about where I am right now. I’ve been worrying I’m being too harsh, but it is a violation of my privacy and I’m allowed to be annoyed about this.
Post # 4
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
She has just become the last one to know any more baby info – she can find out when you’ve told everyone else who you want to tell in person. If she cries about it, tell her she’s proved that she’s incapable of keeping a secret and so she now can’t find anything out until it’s no longer secret. You’re absolutely justified in your feelings. It was your news to share, not hers.
Post # 5
You have every right to be annoyed. I’d be furious. She is already working an angle with your pregnancy and making it about her and how it’s her news too. I’d shut that shit down so fast and give her consequences for what she has done. She sounds a bit nacissistic with how she deflected instead of apologizing so I’d be on high alert. People like that need to see firm consequences for behavior to stop it. If I were you I would have husband make it clear to her. “Mom, in light of you sharing private information with the family about our pregnancy we are taking a timeout from you. We will be sharing the gender with you last after telling everyone else we want to tell in person as we no longer trust you. You will have to work to regain our trust. We will be in touch when we have had a chance to process our frustration with you.”
Get some phrases ready for boundaries with her when she asks personal questions.
– We aren’t sharing any of OP’s medical information
– That doesn’t work for us.
– (she asks how an appointment went) “fine”
– We will contact you when we have something to share
This pregnancy is not about her WHATSOEVER. She isn’t entitled to any part of it, it is a privilege to be involved but not a right. The only people your baby will need is you and your husband.
Post # 6
Should she have told? No.
Should you have expected word to get out as soon as you told anyone? Yes.
Post # 7
pusheenpizza : You’re completely justified. She has NO RIGHT. I can’t even think of an argument that would defend your Mother-In-Law.
1. It’s not her news to share
2. She broke a promise to you
3. She robbed her son’s chance of telling his grandmother
4. She robbed your chance of announcing as a couple
5. She has set you up for public humiliation if anything happens early on, such as a miscarriage (which is not uncommon at 12 weeks)
Her information station is closed for repairs. She doesn’t know the gender, go to appointments, see ultrasound photos, hear the heartbeat. I’m so sorry if this is your first child and she did this to you.
Post # 8
pusheenpizza : Completely justified. We actually avoided telling my Mother-In-Law last for this very reason. However, we also avoided telling anyone but a few of our closest friends until after the first ultrasound for this reason… Once the news got to our parents/siblings, my mother asked if she could tell her family, which I thought was sweet. But when we went to tell my Mother-In-Law, she would have ruined it for 3 people right off the bat – we sent her a sonogram, and she then texted my Father-In-Law, SIL, and my stepson’s mom asking if I was pregnant…. DIDN’T EVEN ASK US EVEN THOUGH WE WERE JUST TRYING TO TELL HER. So, basically, I made sure everyone who we wanted to tell knew before we told her. And it worked, because she did exactly what we suspected… but then she turned it around and yelled at my husband that she was the last to know.
Just hold firm on your boundaries and get ready for more gaslighting in the future.
Post # 9
downonmulberry : yes! Yes, to all of your points.
I’d be just as annoyed and frustrated. Sure, she’s excited. But, telling people is such a different level. I’m sorry you had to experience this.
Post # 10
Yes, this is going to be me as soon as I tell anyone in my family….. No advice but commiserations
Post # 11
Thanks guys. I was definitely worried I was being a bit harsh. I think I’m ready to admit that I AM angry. Writing out her responses made me realize how she was trying to make it about her and play the victim and that’s hurtful to me.
Honestly, I’m uncomfortable with telling people I’m pregnant. 12 weeks is still early for me and I still feel like I’m absorbing the news myself. I’m still not comfortable. So to walk into a room and be bombarded with questions by people that I don’t know know is just a nightmare for me.
Post # 12
Anon721 : should we expect it? I dunno In theory probably. Does that make it okay when it happens?
Post # 13
pusheenpizza : That telephone mindset is only logical in middle school. Your Mother-In-Law is an adult, it’s not your fault that you thought she could handle it. It’s not like you told a 5 year old……I would assume the adults in my family can keep a secret if I specifically ask them to keep it a secret.
You can’t live thinking everyone will betray you, that’s an awful way to live. Not your fault.
Post # 14
pusheenpizza : totally justified! My Mother-In-Law told the one person we specifically told her not to tell (DH’s aunt who blabbed our engagement news on facebook before we got to tell our friends) and I was pissed. My husband and I are on the same page that people who have proven themselves incapable of keeping secrets don’t get told future secrets. His parents won’t know about our next pregnancy until we’re ready to announce to the world. It’s sad, but it is what it is and we’ve learned our lesson.
Post # 15
No you’re justified in being upset. We told a just our parents and siblings at first and they all respected our wishes. Mother-In-Law owes you guys a huge apology. Completely not her place.