MIL told family before we were ready

posted 4 weeks ago in Pregnancy
Post # 2
Member
2016 posts
Buzzing bee

You’re totally justified in your feelings. I’m sure you’ll have some bees defending her by saying, “She was probably just excited” but that’s total bullshit.

From now on, don’t tell her anything. Know the gender? She can find out along with everyone else when you guys are ready. Pregnant with your second? Guess who has to wait along with everyone else?

Post # 4
Member
2700 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

She has just become the last one to know any more baby info – she can find out when you’ve told everyone else who you want to tell in person.  If she cries about it, tell her she’s proved that she’s incapable of keeping a secret and so she now can’t find anything out until it’s no longer secret.  You’re absolutely justified in your feelings.  It was your news to share, not hers.

Post # 5
Member
1827 posts
Buzzing bee

You have every right to be annoyed. I’d be furious. She is already working an angle with your pregnancy and making it about her and how it’s her news too. I’d shut that shit down so fast and give her consequences for what she has done. She sounds a bit nacissistic with how she deflected instead of apologizing so I’d be on high alert. People like that need to see firm consequences for behavior to stop it. If I were you I would have husband make it clear to her. “Mom, in light of you sharing private information with the family about our pregnancy we are taking a timeout from you. We will be sharing the gender with you last after telling everyone else we want to tell in person as we no longer trust you. You will have to work to regain our trust. We will be in touch when we have had a chance to process our frustration with you.” 

Get some phrases ready for boundaries with her when she asks personal questions. 

– We aren’t sharing any of OP’s medical information 

– That doesn’t work for us. 

– (she asks how an appointment went) “fine” 

– We will contact you when we have something to share

This pregnancy is not about her WHATSOEVER. She isn’t entitled to any part of it, it is a privilege to be involved but not a right. The only people your baby will need is you and your husband. 

 

pusheenpizza :  

Post # 6
Member
481 posts
Helper bee

Should she have told? No. 

Should you have expected word to get out as soon as you told anyone? Yes. 

Post # 7
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

pusheenpizza :  You’re completely justified. She has NO RIGHT. I can’t even think of an argument that would defend your Mother-In-Law.

1. It’s not her news to share

2. She broke a promise to you

3. She robbed her son’s chance of telling his grandmother

4. She robbed your chance of announcing as a couple

5. She has set you up for public humiliation if anything happens early on, such as a miscarriage (which is not uncommon at 12 weeks)

 

Her information station is closed for repairs. She doesn’t know the gender, go to appointments, see ultrasound photos, hear the heartbeat. I’m so sorry if this is your first child and she did this to you.

Post # 8
Member
5247 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

pusheenpizza :  Completely justified.  We actually avoided telling my Mother-In-Law last for this very reason.  However, we also avoided telling anyone but a few of our closest friends until after the first ultrasound for this reason…  Once the news got to our parents/siblings, my mother asked if she could tell her family, which I thought was sweet.  But when we went to tell my Mother-In-Law, she would have ruined it for 3 people right off the bat – we sent her a sonogram, and she then texted my Father-In-Law, SIL, and my stepson’s mom asking if I was pregnant…. DIDN’T EVEN ASK US EVEN THOUGH WE WERE JUST TRYING TO TELL HER.  So, basically, I made sure everyone who we wanted to tell knew before we told her. And it worked, because she did exactly what we suspected… but then she turned it around and yelled at my husband that she was the last to know.

Just hold firm on your boundaries and get ready for more gaslighting in the future.

Post # 9
Member
586 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

downonmulberry :  yes! Yes, to all of your points. 

 

I’d be just as annoyed and frustrated. Sure, she’s excited. But, telling people is such a different level. I’m sorry you had to experience this. 

Post # 10
Member
1559 posts
Bumble bee

Yes, this is going to be me as soon as I tell anyone in my family….. No advice but commiserations 

Post # 13
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

pusheenpizza :  That telephone mindset is only logical in middle school. Your Mother-In-Law is an adult, it’s not your fault that you thought she could handle it. It’s not like you told a 5 year old……I would assume the adults in my family can keep a secret if I specifically ask them to keep it a secret.

You can’t live thinking everyone will betray you, that’s an awful way to live. Not your fault.

Post # 14
Member
7076 posts
Busy Beekeeper

pusheenpizza :  totally justified! My Mother-In-Law told the one person we specifically told her not to tell (DH’s aunt who blabbed our engagement news on facebook before we got to tell our friends) and I was pissed. My husband and I are on the same page that people who have proven themselves incapable of keeping secrets don’t get told future secrets. His parents won’t know about our next pregnancy until we’re ready to announce to the world. It’s sad, but it is what it is and we’ve learned our lesson. 

Post # 15
Member
4889 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

No you’re justified in being upset. We told a just our parents and siblings at first and they all respected our wishes. Mother-In-Law owes you guys a huge apology. Completely not her place. 

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