(Closed) MIL trying to commiserate with me, but it's only making it worse

posted 5 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 2
Member
4231 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I understand what you mean….I think that while you want to deal with it, it’s also good to have “breaks” from thinking about it all the time, and when people seem to only want to talk about it, you start to feel like you can’t escape it.

It sounds like you guys handled it really well, and that DH is being really understanding which is awesome.

Post # 3
Member
425 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Private lodge

My advice, just tell her!  You’re drowning in your own sorrow right now and she’s dragging you down. It really is ok to be honest about where you’re at emotionally and that it will help you if she doesn’t bring it up.  It might just do wonders for your relationship with her.  and if not, you can rest easy knowing you’re being true to you.

Post # 5
Member
560 posts
Busy bee

Each and every one mourn the passing of a loved one differently. A mother, by nature, wants to make things better for her children. You are her child by marriage. She is desperately trying to make this better for the two of you, and knows she can’t. That is why she is going overboard. I think it is a good thing that your husband said something and you wouldn’t have to avoid her forever, just for the time being. I wish you peace, healing and strength in this difficult time!

Post # 6
Member
4231 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

View original reply
Ryansgirl:  I think it’s great though that you recognize thjis is her grieving process too. That can be easy to forget. In regards to avoiding her…I don’t know how often you usually see her, but maybe think about giving it a bit of time. You might find that once some more time has gone on, everyone will be thinking of it less, so they won’t bring it up as much. Obviously it’s still so new.

If you’re comfortable you could just say to her “MIL, I appreciate everything you’ve done for us, and how you’ve helped us to cope, but I think I just need a bit of a break from reminders of it, ok? When I’m ready I will bring it up to you”

Post # 7
Member
999 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

No advice here. Just want to chip in and say that another Bee hears you and is thinking about you. What you are going through is hard (to put it mildly) and despite your Mother-In-Law being nice it doesn’t mean it makes it any easier. Hopefully she gets around to figuring out what you need and stops mentioning it.

Post # 9
Member
11517 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
Ryansgirl:  I think you and your DH handled the situation perfectly.  Your Mother-In-Law sounds exactly like what my mother would be like.

Part of the issue is likely that no one knows what to say and a lot of people don’t talk about their own experiences with the loss of an infant or a still born child.  I learned this myself last year when my BFF’s nephew passed away at 10weeks.  I had no idea what to do.  My boss heard me say something about going to the funeral and he told me that he and his wife had a still born and then recently their DIL lost a child in circumstances very similar to yours. 

It’s a terrible thing and no one knows what to do and as PPs have said your Mother-In-Law probably has no idea what to do, she knows she can’t fix it, she knows she can’t make you feel better so she’s just trying too hard.

Don’t cut her out and avoid her completely, she is grieving as well and likely needs some support from you guys in that, but hopefully you can work out boundaries so you can help each other move forward.

Post # 11
Member
553 posts
Busy bee

I think you might do best getting advice from someone who has been in a similar situation. I am sorry for your loss.

The topic ‘MIL trying to commiserate with me, but it's only making it worse’ is closed to new replies.

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