Post # 1
My Future Mother-In-Law has chosen an Italian creme cake (which is a white colored cake & will completely be iced in white icing) for my FH’s grooms cake. I wasn’t exactly thrilled with that but I didnt say anything & just changed my cake to a chocolate cake (to give our guests a variety to pick from).
Now (a week after I complained to her we have too many monogrammed items & I was trying to scale back on inital items…we are on monogram overload)…she INSISTS on having a silver mirrored inital cake topper on the grooms cake. She told me what she was going to do & I nicely asked her if she could choose something different she got mad at me & when I say mad, I mean furious. I explained to her that I wanted it to look like a grooms cake & honestly I think it looks very, very feminine. Not to mention I had already told her that about the monogram overload a week before & many times since (before I ever knew she was dying for the initial cake topper).
Basically I feel like she has made it a point to “have her heart set” on all things I dislike. She insisted on a gold vest & tie for my FH’s tuxedo (although she knew it was my least favorite) & she insisted thats the only one that would look good (although shes never seen my dress & it has silver all over it/no gold). I’ve given in on it all & aplogized (even though I didnt feel like I owed her an apology) & said ok to everything I didnt want to keep her happy & try to eliminate or at least reduce the number of issues she has with me & the wedding…which has only resulted in my wedding having things I really dislike. I’m really sad because I really wanted a close relationship with her & I’m really angry because I feel like she’s causing problems between my FH & I for attention. Also, we have an appt with the florist next week (& flowers are something I’m not going to budge on & hate just to keep her happy). She’s already started in wanting babys breath in my bouquet, in all the bouts, everything although she knows I hate babys breath. I just dread the fall-out thats going to come from me wanting to choose the flowers for my wedding (& theres no getting out of taking her w/ me to appt…in fact I’m better off taking her w/ me so I actually know what to expect instead of her meeting with the florist & changing things behind my back). She is making my wedding planning so stressful & turning what has been the happiest time of my life (until she got involved) into a nightmare. All my life I’ve dreamed of my wedding to my prince charming & now I wish we had just eloped.
Are there any other bees experiencing these same issues? How are you dealing with your attention craving, incredibly selfish FMIL?
Post # 3
man, so sorry to hear that, sounds like she is a piece of work! Call your florist ahead of time, tell him or her what you don’t like and tell them to be firm about it for the appointment, also warning them about her. I’d want a heads up as a vendor.
Post # 4
Is she paying for the wedding becasue if she’s not than you have no reason to take her to the appointments and stuff. I would just block her out of my wedding planning and let Fiance deal with her.
Post # 5
IS she aware of who’s wedding it is? Honestly, and I really hate to say this, but you have screwed yourself over. You have given in way to many times. She knows you will just give in if she pitches enough of a fit so she will keep doing it until the wedding looks like she wants. And what about your mom? Have you asked her to step up and “make decisions” because you are more required to listen to your own mom than his and if your mother says “no babies breath” well, I guess you can’t have babies breath! lol. But in all seriousness, if she paying for the wedding? Because if she isn’t, she really has NO place to dictate what you have at your wedding. If she is, she has every right to give her input but that is where it ends. As much as I am sure you will hate to do this (and it wont be a fun conversation) is talk to her! I mean, you shouldn’t hate your wedding. And that is what she is causing you to do.
My Future Mother-In-Law started out trying to dictate certain things (especially when it came to the Jewish half of the ceremony) but I listened to her oppinions, considered them, and then made the decision that was best for me and Mr. Hedgies wedding. She didn’t like it all of the time (and I am dreading telling her she will NOT be at the alter with us) but I put my foot down early on and let her know that we appreciate her help with paying for parts of the wedding but that untimately it is OUR wedding, and not hers.
I hope things work out! Just don’t compromise your wedding to make her happy for a little while. It will set the tone for your entire married relationship with her.
Post # 6
@autygergrad:If she is not paying for the wedding I don’t understand why she is so involved. You will have a long depressing life ahead of you trying to please this woman. Just stand up to her already. She will be this way about everything in the future….house, kids, school, career. Just tell her nicely to back off whack job:0)
Post # 7
I agree with PP. If she’s not paying for the wedding, all you have to do is listen to her opinion, but ultimately you get to decide. My Future Mother-In-Law isn’t helping at all, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t full of opinions. I’ve started making Fiance talk to her, and since he just tunes her out, when he hangs up he only remembers 1 request (read:demand) from her, and I’m able to tell her we thought about it and decided on something else. You really need to put your foot down, it will be an uncomfortable conversation for sure, but you need to do it now before she totally starts running your life for you.
Post # 8
Why is she making so many decisions and picking stuff out? I’m confused. Even if she is paying, you should have some say. You need to stop agreeing to things you don’t want. It’s not like it’s small details… you said she picked out a color for FH’s tux that doesn’t even match you!
Post # 9
It sounds like it is time to recruit your FH and go head to head with the beast. If you want YOUR wedding then you need to put your foot down and tell her that. Don’t give in to her demands this isn’t her wedding. She had her chance already. Even if she was paying for the whole lot, you get to choose things as long as it comes in within the budget. When my daughters get married and I give them money for their wedding, I expect them to stay within the allotted amount and DO WHATEVER THEY WANT TO!
Post # 10
Thanks for all the responses! To answer everyones question…the Future Mother-In-Law is paying for the rehearsal dinner, the grooms cake, & the flowers the groom is responsible for (brides bouquet, bouts, & mothers corsages) & my mother is paying for everything else (venue, floral, catering, music, etc, etc). My mom & I are really close (in fact, she’s my best friend) but she lives out of state so she hasnt been able to be as involved as she (& I) would like. FMIL has actually called vendors behind my back to ask about a change she wants & tells me a week later (usually by accident…found out once bc another family member was asking her about it & second time bc someone called her bk & left message on answering machine & I heard it). The venue owner told me she would never let her change anything without my approval & other place she called was tuxedo rental place bc she wanted to change the tux shirts to black & lucky for me they just told her no. I am to blame for a lot of it because I am the one who took her with me to some of the places & I asked for her input, etc. My mom couldnt be here (she wanted to & has done as much as possible from out of state). Also, I desperately wanted a relationship with FMIL so I naively thought we would bond over wedding planning…never in a million years did I dream it would turn out like this.
Post # 11
I would absolutely put my foot down about the flowers. If she gets upset, you can pay for them. I would not be ok with flowers I hated and I probably would’ve pitched a fit over the gold vest with silver detail on your dress. What does your Fiance say about all this?
Post # 12
You’re going to have to stand your ground! Like someone else said, if you don’t, you will have a lifetime ahead of this!
Post # 13
Even if they are paying for it, they should only give advice if and when you ask for it. You should want to have her help. I think my mum has been surprised by how involved i’ve wanted her to be in decision making but if she was forcing it on me i wouldn’t be so inclined to want her involvement. Tricky area i can’t give advice because my mil was so bad we don’t speak to her at all. Don’t allow her to drag you into her issues, try to be firm and polite, thanks for your advice but i think i’d rather go with… then let her hiss and moan but ignore it. Don’t bite back, you’ll never win. Hopefully your FH can have a quiet word but people like that… there can be no getting through sometimes. I commisserate, try to keep hold of your positive relationships and what you want. good luck.
Post # 14
This is the kind of thing that sets precident for the rest of your life. I have had to be very clear with boundries with my Future Mother-In-Law for the wedding because, in the future, she will just whine and bitch till she gets her way on everything. She has tried to go so far as to tell me when we are ‘allowed’ to have children. With MILs like ours, we have to set boundries early and keep them firm. It is your wedding. You and Fiance will need to sit her down and start establishing boundries with her. good luck 🙂
Post # 15
If you can I’d just tell her thank you but no thank you when it comes to her paying for the flowers if she thinks she picks them. Seems like your side of the fam is paying for way more so I would stop including her in wedding stuff. My Future Mother-In-Law is opinionated too and I don’t want her included, I told Fiance it is up to him to deal with his parents, I have my own to deal with.
Post # 16
I saw my mother deal with difficult in-laws. Let me echo what others have said: If you do not start dealing with this behavior now, it will only get worse later. Do not enable!!
Your Fiance really needs to be involved. It is his responsibilty to deal with his parents, not yours. You can communicate with her of course, but it should be his job to put his foot down.
I know he is in a difficult spot- but YOU need to be first in his life.