(Closed) MIL Wants to Run Show

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

My Mother-In-Law is trying to run the show too! She immediately tried telling us what we should do, how we should do it, where and when! it’s crazy! My Fiance is her oldest of 3 boys, so I understand she’s eager and excited, but she needs to slow her roll a bit and stop making decisions without me then sticking my Fiance in the middle.. I JUST found out she has decided to throw us a bridal shower, she’s already been planning it but NEVER mentioned it to either of us until my Fiance called her asking for her guest list to the shower my Maid/Matron of Honor is throwing.. ugh.. I’m trying to stay calm but it’s getting much harder the closer we get.

 

Good luck to you!

Post # 4
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2013

My Future Mother-In-Law was doing the same thing wanting to decide my dress, the tux, cake topper and who is in the wedding. I finally had a heart to heart with Fiance and we are going to have a destination wedding (like we originally wanted) and just invite immediate family (That part changed). And she can meet us there for the wedding if she wants.  We tried to compromise as much as possibe. But you should do what you want and even if she pushes just keep doing what you are doing with her. Your Fiance may have to tell her what you two have planned and want. Mine did and that helped for us since she wants him happy. 

Post # 5
Member
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

How does your Fiance handle this?  Afterall, it’s his Mom so HE should be telling her to knock it off and mind her own business. 

Post # 6
Member
1469 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@JemmaWRX:  yep! Fiance needs to tell her to knock it off and that he won’t be discussing any further details about the wedding except the time and place and who is invited. 

Post # 7
Member
2188 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

Your Fiance needs to step it up and tell her it is not her wedding but your wedding and she is not needed to help etc and will be sent an invite like everyone else when you decide to send invites. Also he needs to change his contact info with the military back to you and tell them that ONLY he is allowed to alter the contact person and tell his mother to never change it again.

Honestly she sounds like a hassle and I’d just elope with your Fiance and just invite your mom and FI’s parents, I wouldn’t give them a lot of notice either so she can’t try to stop the elopement or change it.

Post # 8
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Sorry Hon. You definitely have my sympathy. But if she isn’t going to contribute she’s GOT to stop. Maybe you could ask her opinion every now and then to make her feel included? But just tell her that it’s nice of her to help but you have it covered & not to worry. My Future Mother-In-Law is not even close to being as extreme as yours but I think she kind of wants to be.

Post # 9
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I agree with the PPs. Your Fiance needs to tell her to knock this off. This is clearly not going to go away if he keeps doing the same thing. It sounds like he needs to be 100% clear with her, even if it hurts her feelings. 

Post # 10
Member
1463 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I am so sorry you are dealing with the stress of your mother’s health and a Mother-In-Law that is a nightmare. I agree with PP that your husband should put her in her place and tell her to back off. Mothers are so funny when it comes to their sons for some reason they feel they are losing a son but what is actually happening is the loss of control over that person.

Your Fiance knows how his mother is and believe me she has been this way his entire life. She has some nerve to change the contact information so it was sent to her instead is just sick. The only one that can fix this is your Fiance.

I dont have a Mother-In-Law but I had a friend that thought because I told her first that she would have the job of Maid/Matron of Honor. She started telling me what looks best on her and what she wanted to incorporate into MY wedding. I told her nicely that you have been married twice this is my first and allow me to plan what I want.

She didnt listen so now she is not even a guest because I am not going to argue about your place and what I am doing for MY day. So I have ended it and it was the best thing I ever did for myself.

I know you cant end it with your MIL but your Fiance can give her specific instructions about her behavior and that it is his wedding and whatever decisions that need to be made will be made by the both of you.

I pray your mother makes a full recovery.

GOD BLESS AND BIG HUG

Post # 11
Member
3552 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

All I can say is boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.You and your Fiance need to set some ASAP. Also I’d start bouncing her emails to the spam folder, or at least a special folder, so you don’t have to see them unless you feel like looking.

Post # 12
Member
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Look on your phone’s contact list settings. Mine has the option to set a number straight to voicemail, which I used on FMIL’s number (and your Fiance can do the same). No more incessant ringing! Just a voicemail that is incredibly easy to ignore/delete. If she asks about always getting voicemail, a simple, “We’re very busy at this time. We’ll get back to you when able,” is fine. Text messaging is not so easy to filter out, as far as I know, but those are fairly easy to delete anyways.

And on your emails? Set a filter for her email address, and either delete it (“Oops, I must not have gotten your email. Technology, sometimes, hah!”) or filter it to a folder so it’s there but out of sight/out of mind. You can even have it mark it as read, so you can check when you’re up to it, not when you see a (1) next to it.

How is Fiance with her? Does he see it as innocent, or does he agree that she’s going waaaaay overboard? Because she really is– honestly, stealing your information about Fiance during his deployment?! Horrible! She doesn’t have any right to information about your wedding, especially considering she isn’t contributing anything to it. If she asks you anything, play dumb. “Oh, we haven’t decided that yet.” “Oh, I’m not sure.” And Fiance needs to be on board with that, because boundaries need to be set now.

I’ll also say this: make SURE that ALL of your vendors know that they are NOT to take orders from anyone else! Warn them specifically about your Future Mother-In-Law if you have to. I’ve heard so many stories of MILs just like yours, who call up vendors and then change things around. Someone just told me recently about when their Mother-In-Law changed their ENTIRE dinner menu to suit her tastes, and they had to scramble to get it changed back. This is especially a concern since she’s already done something like this with your FI’s contact information.

This is also why it’s important not to give her any info about the wedding: if she doesn’t know who is providing for your wedding, she can’t call them and ruin/take over your wedding. Be wary of relatives who might report back to her, too.

Good luck. Hopefully Fiance can get her to back off. And finally, I’m so sorry about your mother. Well wishes for her health!

Post # 13
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2013

My Future Mother-In-Law is not nearly this bad, but Fi will get texts from her like “is someone throwing a shower? are we invited? Aunt so-and so was wondering” I feel like this is incredibly rude to ask if you’re invited to something. 

There hasn’t been too much pushing about any of the wedding plans per-se, the few times she has it’s a text to Fi, to which I tell him to reply that I(bride) am taking care of it. This keeps him from getting stuck in the middle.

Post # 14
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@RunningSphynx:  I feel like your Mother-In-Law and my Future Mother-In-Law would get along great! Seriously though, my Mother-In-Law has been acting just like this.  I don’t know how to handle it either… originally she wanted us to have our wedding in 1 month after our engagement (WAY TOO SOON) because she thinks she’s a wedding planner, but she isn’t. Just controlling!

I would say try to have a physical talk with her, and with your Fiance being the mediator if need be.  I find it much easier to confront issues out in the open.  Believe me, if she’s as pig-headed as my Mother-In-Law, it will be difficult but worth it if you can get over the hill in the end 🙂

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