MIL wants to take my toddler on a road trip

posted 6 months ago in Babies
Post # 31
675 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - California

It seems like there is a lot more going on here than just a request to take your daughter on a trip. Your Mother-In-Law sounds incredibly dramatic and a bit irrational unfortunately. I’m sorry I don’t have any advice, but I’m just posting to say sorry you are going through this and I hope you get to a resolution soon. Maybe a formal custody arrangement is necessary as other posters have suggested.

Post # 33
1637 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Yikes…flying monkey alert!

Post # 35
182 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Definitely talk to a lawyer because things could be different depending on where you live. However, where I live, if you have never been married and legal paternity never established, the mother has legal custody. It’s because legally, you can prove you’re the mother without doing anything, but technically, he hasn’t proven he’s the father even if he signed the birth certificate. If you’re married, it’s a whole different story, but with unmarried couples, the mother holds all legal rights until the court says otherwise.

Post # 36
3273 posts
Sugar bee

You need to go see a family law attorney asap.

Post # 37
6441 posts
Bee Keeper

seraphina :  GET A LAWYER sorry to yell but get one and get one fast.  You need a custody agreement stat.  You don’t want or need someone to take your baby from you because they are being fickle.  If you get a custody agreement make sure you are the custodial parent (meaning you are primary caregiver).  and make sure you can get that in writing that your SO is not allowed to take her out of the states at all.

Post # 38
2433 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

No judge is going to take custody away from a parent, in a fit home, just because a grandparent wants to take them on a road trip 3 states away. 

Don’t waffle in your texts to the Future Mother-In-Law. Be very plain: “No, dd is not going with you on the road trip.” NOT : “I don’t think I am comfortable with the idea of dd going on this road trip with you, sorry”

This is your child, don’t worry about placating Future Mother-In-Law or hurting her feelings.

Post # 39
7879 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

seraphina :  is your child in daycare? If so I would double check the emergency pick-up persons and make sure his family are not on the list. 

Post # 40
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

Do not engage with the SIL. # 1 you aren’t at her beck and call so you aren’t going to be letting her tell people to have you call her wtf is that anyways?! SHe can call you if she wants to talk. #2, anyone who isn’t you, your Boyfriend or your Boyfriend’s mom, have ZERO business being involved. Mature adults don’t get involved in other people’s disagreements. 

Someone comes to you saying SIL said to call her? You say, she has my phone number and can pick up the phone whenever she likes. If SIL does call you and tries to talk to you at all about your relationship with her mom? You: I am going to stop you, anything going on with your mother is between her and I and I will not be discussing it with you or anyone else. This is no one else’s business thank you. I have to get off the phone now bye. 

Same thing is said to anyone trying to get involved. You refuse to discuss with them, its not their business, gotta go bye! 

Post # 41
6285 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

LilliV :  Agreed.  

seraphina :  I’ve been meaning to respond, but it’s a difficult topic… my Mother-In-Law is very much like yours.  Toxic, will threaten you over custody of your own child, but has overall done some horrible things to her children and my stepson…  Definitely seek out a family attorney, and if you work something out in court with her father, you might be able to get something in writing like “no unsupervised visits with her paternal grandmother” if there has been any dangerous threat.  Or at least come to some agreement how she can’t leave the state without co-parent agreement/going back to court.  This may not prevent your daughter from sleeping over there on nights her dad has her (if you break up), but this will all prevent her from having your daughter on days that aren’t her dad’s or to travel anywhere long distance.

And DEFINITELY check the daycare pick-up list if she goes to daycare.  Take his mom off of it ASAP.

Post # 42
790 posts
Busy bee

I don’t think she was wrong just to ask. People saying it’s inappropriate to take a 2 year old on a trip without her parents is over the top. I’ve taken my niece and nephew on trips without their parents when they were under 2 BUT I was also very close, in their daily lives, etc. But once you said she should have respected that AND your bf should have never agreed without speaking with you. I’m always in favor of non married people having a custody agreement if there are children involved, just makes sense to me. That’s something you should do regardless of this situation.

Post # 44
6155 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

seraphina :  How irritating. Even if your guy didn’t agree with you, the fact of the matter is that YOU are the baby’s mother. That’s it. That’s all. Period. Unless you are putting her at risk, he needs to respect your role as her mother and the boundaries that you set.

I would absolutely go to an attorney (without even talking to him about it) and get things clarified in writing for my own safety and comfort. I would not be willing to be regularly concerned about what other things might come up that would give him a chance to disrespect me as the mother of my own child.

And I would either ignore the call from his sister or give her a call to see what she wanted and as soon as she said anything about the trip and her mother, I’d say “I’m not having this conversation with you. This situation is none of your business and I didn’t ask for your input.” and I’d get off the phone.

These fucking people.

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