(Closed) MIL will only throw rehearsal dinner if it is vegetarian.Am I entitled to be mad

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 47
Member
534 posts
Busy bee

She can’t just “turn off” what she believes in to appease others. Can’t people go meat free for one meal? Jeez.

Post # 48
Member
1161 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@sara5ann:  I think when it comes to traditions and everything, it is very much dependant on the family dynamic. I for one do not ask for monetary contributions, its just something Ive never been comfortable with. However, my father offered very soon after our engagement to pay for the wedding because he was raised that way. My best friend has the same thing going on, her family never offered to pay and she would never ask because they werent raised with that tradition, however her FI’s parents offered right away because that IS how he was raised. If they hadn’t offered, he would have asked because he was brought up in that kind of household.

Perhaps you were brought up with those traditions being held, but she didn’t. I can see myself being like her when I am older, I would be quite taken aback if someone asked me for money I never offered.

Post # 49
Member
3277 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@sara5ann:  

Sometimes parents use their money to control their kids’ weddings.

That is why it is best to pay for everything yourself.

Post # 51
Member
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - Excalibur

I  think a lot of these girls are bull shitting  and if they’re mil  did this to them,  they’d be pissed.  Your mil  doesn’t have to pay for anything,  and maybe you guys shouldn’t have asked but what she did was rude. I  don’t eat a lot of meat but I’d be pissed spending my money and time on a destination wedding and not even getting a decent meal for the rehearsal dinner.  She did this to spite  you guys,  not because of what she  believes and that’s crap.

Post # 52
Member
2455 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

@PinkPinstripes:  +1, sounds more like a power struggle than anything, for some reason.  That’s the feeling I got.  Like she said, “Everyone who is paying for something in the wedding gets what they want, well now I am paying for something and it will be done how I want it.”  Yeah, pass, I don’t want your money with strings attached.

 

@FutureMrsHallam:  “Then to refuse their money because they had one condition applied to it is ridiculous.”

Actually, I’d refuse money too if there was a single condition applied that I didn’t agree with.

Post # 53
Member
1003 posts
Bumble bee

@sara5ann:  

If she’s paying for it I think you should just be gracious.  If you are worried about the menu, see if she’ll let you help pick things.  There are plenty of vegetarian dishes that are not just “veggies and tofu.”  I agree that most meat-eaters wouldn’t be please with that, but what if it was a big pasta dinner with salad?  I feel like that would please most people.  She is right in that anyone can go ONE meal without meat.  

We were in the opposite position.  DH and I don’t eat most meat (just the occasional seafood)  For our wedding we had the option of a vegetarian lasagna or crab cakes.  Our rehersal dinner (paid for/planned by my in-laws) was a big bbq.  They were kind enough to request a salmon option for Darling Husband & I.  They put a lot of time, thought, and money into the rehersal dinner and it was a wonderful night.  While we weren’t comfortable serving meat dishes at our wedding, the rehersal dinner was really their night.  Honestly, it was nice not worrying about it – there was already so many other things to do!

 

On a side note, my dad who basically eats meat with every single meal, loved the vegetarian lasagna.  He’s super critical, so I was plesaantly suprised to hear him rave about it 🙂

Post # 54
Member
1299 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@sara5ann:  We are going to wait for them to officially offer (his sister told me that they know the tradition), and then I guess we’ll ask them what they had in mind.  I might ask my Fiance to feel-out the situation to see if they would be open to doing it vegetarian.  If they don’t offer once it gets to about 6 months away (August 2015 wedding), I would probably have my Fiance casually ask them if they had thought about doing it or if we should plan something ourselves.  If they do offer, I am hoping they will ask if we want it vegetarian.  If they don’t ask, we’ll probably accept whatever they do.  I have an extremely strained relationship with my Future Mother-In-Law and the way she treats me is starting to really get to my Fiance, so we’ll most likely just want to avoid any big problems close to the wedding.

Post # 55
Member
437 posts
Helper bee

@sara5ann:  I think that you were very lucky that she agreed to pay for it. I personally wouldn’t feel comfortable asking for money for my wedding, and would have felt rude doing so, if they offer great, if they dont, it’s your wedding, your financial responsibility.

I think it’s rude to expect her to not only pay, but put her money towards an industry that she doesn’t support.

Post # 56
Member
1161 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@sara5ann:  Haha my pleasure. Its hard to see all sides when you don’t know where they’re coming from 🙂

 

@Apple_Blossom:  That goes hand in hand with the sentance before it, it sounds out of context on its own. To specifically ask for a handout, then refuse is actually somewhat rude, its completely different if they offer their money with conditions, then refusal should probably be expected.

Post # 57
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Thread jacking and probably sexist, but it’s actually a good idea to eat a veggie-based meal the night before so you’re not all puffy for the wedding…I’d happily take the $400. If you’re upset about skipping meat for one meal, you are lucky.

Post # 58
Member
1589 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@sara5ann:  If I asked my parents to pay for my wedding they’d say, “Sure, at the courthouse.” They are broke. Just because it’s a “tradiition” doesn’t mean you should expect it.

Post # 59
Member
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

It boggles my mind that people cannot conceive of a good meal that doesn’t involve meat.

 

OP, hopefully you’ll be more respectful of your mother-in-law’s choices in the future.  If you want her to pay for the rehearsal dinner, you could choke down some vegetables for one night.  Otherwise, figure out a way to pay for your shrimp boil (which sounds good, by the way).  

 

Post # 60
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

 This is coming from a confirmed carnivore, but this doesn’t sound like it’s a food issue at all – it’s a power struggle. It’s the ‘I’m paying, so who cares what anyone else wants, I get to have everything MY way’ attitude. And it IS traditional for the grooms family to host the rehearsal dinner. I would find it obnoxious that she’s ignoring her own son’s wishes because of her own personal food preference. 

Post # 61
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

On this one specific issue, your Mother-In-Law hasn’t done anything wrong.  If she is paying for the rehearsal dinner, then she does get a say in its menu.  It is possible that your Mother-In-Law wanted a vegetarian meal due to her strong personal beliefs.  But its also possible that she is being passive agressive by saying that she would be willing to pay for the dinner only under circumstances she knows you wouldn’t be happy with.  If it is the latter, then you will see lots of passive agressive nonsense from her in the future.  But the important thing is that you and your future husband did 100% the right thing after the problem arose by politely declining her money, and paying for the rehearsal dinner that you want.  

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