(Closed) Military SO's: I hate when people ask…

posted 6 years ago in Military
Post # 48
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@LittleButtons:  The work one actually cracks me up a little bit. Darling Husband has a friend who sat around complaining about his ex-wife, how she didn’t work and how bad she was (considering how he was acting, I would have divorced him too) and then he goes on another rant about how military wives don’t work. He says “I mean, its not like you have a job!”

“I actually do. I have been working longer than my husband has been in the military.”

His face went beet red and he shut up about that.

Post # 49
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@LittleButtons:  One of the most nerve-grating but well-meaning comments I’ve had so far came from a very good friend before our last PCS. This is our first “real” one since previously he had been in training, and even though it was for about a year, they were in our home state, a few hours from where we’re from. Our most recent move was to California, across the country from our hometown. She was really encouraging me to just not move with him when he left because I already had a job where we were (one I could take with me when I moved, by the way) and he would be getting deployed soon, so “what’s the point of moving again if he’s just going to leave 6 months later?” 

 

…Well, maybe because that’s 6 months I could spend with him, instead of choosing to be unnecessarily apart when there are so many times that is chosen for us? Maybe because those are 6 months I can start to build a life in a new place so I’ll be more comfortable when he’s gone? Maybe because Marines PCS and deploy all the time and I can’t just not go with him if I want this relationship to work? Or even just because moving across the country is expensive and if I go when he goes, the Marines will pay for it? 

 

I knew she meant well, but really, it was just so baffling to me that she was encouraging me to let my fiance move without me when I didn’t have kids holding me in a place and a job waiting for me in the new city. Like…does PCSing even get easier than that???

Post # 51
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@LittleButtons:  Oh definitely! When she was advising me about this was when we were already apart because it wasn’t worth it to leave my job or telecommute for 3 months for his last training. So maybe I was a little sensitive because it was like “look, we’re already apart for practical reasons right now. But once we move we’ll be able to be together again and I have a job and we’ll be there for three whole years, why on earth wouldn’t I move!!”

Post # 53
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I think most of my friends and people I have met genuinely care and when they ask about my Darling Husband being deployed etc they are doing so out of kindness, I don’t get funny about it because I know that alot of them because they will never experience what we do, will never understand. However there have been a few people and a couple of friends that have really crossed a line with me. One friend came to stay and she couldn’t understand that if my phone rang and it is my Darling Husband that no matter where I am and what I am doing I will always answer it because for Darling Husband to call means the world to me but she kept telling me I didn’t need to talk to him everyday! She said it wasnt dangerous and shouldn’t have to answer my phone if I’m busy! I didn’t know what to say to her when she first came out with this, the vision of throwing my coffee on her crossed my mind but I refrained, smiled and told her that she will never understand. Another thing that bugs me so much is when people moan about spending a night or weekend away from there partners and facebook it all and whine about it, yes they can’t relate because they don’t have to deal with the situations we cope with, but when people know Darling Husband is deployed and they make comments like this and the so called friend I mentioned is guilty of this also I just want to scream! It is comments such as ones my so called friend made that offend me. 

Post # 54
Member
300 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@LittleButtons:  We’re both active duty and are stationed in two different places. It’s always “so when will you be together?” I DON’T KNOW.

Post # 56
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@redbootz:  +1 I have had a similar experience– most people are great, they are just saying things from a good place and I can see that and I’m just glad they care. What really bugs me is when people hear he’s deployed, and then use that as a chance to talk about themselves, i.e. “WOW I could NEVER do that!! I can’t handle it when my boyfriend is gone for the WEEKEND, I have to wear one of his shirts just to fall asleep! I just could NEVER EVER DO THAT.”

Like, really? You are stronger than you think you are. Love has for centuries helped couples endure separation. I’m not the first military SO who’s living her life during deployment, and I won’t be the last. So yeah, I’d much rather have someone ask me borderline-weird questions (Are you afraid he’s gonna cheat?) than pontificate on how they would feel if they were in my shoes!

 

Post # 58
Member
257 posts
Helper bee

Mine isn’t so much as a question but I was talking to a friend about a month ago, and her comment to me being with a Marine is “I could never date anyone in the military” umm..okay? lol Great for you? Like idk, what do you want me to say to that?

Post # 59
Member
257 posts
Helper bee

@Payless:  wow LOL at the things that have been said to you! 

Post # 60
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: June 2014

i get that there are a lot of people who think that the good response to finding out you are in a relationship with someone in the military is “oh that must be hard” or “im sure you worry about him” but for me personally being reminded of the hardships and worry is not making me warm up to you. Believe me i dont need reminding! a better response would be   like im sure you are looking forward to seeing him again. i mean i get these pitiful sympathy looks when they find out who im with and being with someone in the military isnt all bad everyone. i dont need sympathy it just makes me feel sad i need encouragement like you must be proud of him and all. not oh he must be in danger poor girl must be worrird sick. 

Post # 61
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Not sure if I can weigh in here since my Fiance is LE, not military, but  it seems like similar questions come up for both.

“Aren’t you afraid he’ll get shot/injured/die?”

“Has he ever killed anyone?”

The two are usually meant fairly innocently, and it takes a reminder of exactly what just came out of their mouth for the asker to go “Oh, uh, sorry.”  The latter is so frickin weird when people ask, I can’t believe people actually ask. 

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