(Closed) Military SO's: I hate when people ask…

posted 6 years ago in Military
Post # 62
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I have a friend who is a stay at home mom who regularly comments in my presence on how much she misses her husband when he’s gone all day. It makes me stabby. Like, I’m sure you do miss him, and I’ll try to be sympathetic, but lady, you are talking to a military wife here. A day is nothing at all. 

Another acquaintance will tell me “I’d be glad to get rid of my husband for as often as yours is gone! You must enjoy it.” No…

Or “I sure wouldn’t mind being a military wife and living without my husband if it meant I got the healthcare, steady paycheck, etc.” 

And of course the classic, constant, “do you miss him?” Yes I missed him the last time you asked and I do, in fact, still miss him. (Also, yes I worry. I’d prefer him to stay alive)

 

That said, I wouldn’t trade my life for anybody’s. Being married to him is worth every minute of it. (: 

Post # 63
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2016

@LittleButtons:  I hate this as well some people are so clueless!

 

My partner has been deployed 3 times , twice in afghan and once in iraq.

When my SO was deployed to afghan I even had people asking me ” How do you know hes not cheating on you”

I mean come on as if !

Strangers are the worst. I know It’s not their fault but they really do ask the worst questions. I’ve had loads of people ask me if he’s killed anyone! Whatever happens happens it’s not my problem and its something we don’t speak about it.

 

Theres many more , and most of the ladies here have already said what they are lol.

Post # 64
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2012

‘At least you don’t have to worry about your husband when he’s deployed, its not like he’s somewhere SUPER dangerous like Afghanistan.’

– Seriously? Just because he’s not in a ‘SUPER DANGEROUS’ area doesn’t mean what he is doing isn’t dangerous. SIGH.

Post # 65
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

The worst question I get asked is “how do you do it?”. I honestly don’t think it’s that bad. Yes I miss him like crazy when he’s gone and yes I am going crazy with this upcoming deployment. However, I love him more then anything and it’s his job and I’m damn proud of him for having the courage to do it. I’d wait forever for him, so that is how I do it, how I get through the days when he’s gone. 

Post # 66
Member
472 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@JenGirl:  Please don’t be scared to talk to military wives or girlfriends- just take a second to think before you ask a question, the same way you would asking about any other major life thing (pregnancy, illness, children, homebuying, whatever). If the answer is likely to be either a. obvious or b. nobody else’s business or c. upsetting to the person you’re asking, just don’t ask that question. If it’s a question you would also ask of a non-military wife or girlfriend, it’s probably just fine. 

For me, the hardest thing while he was deployed was when people would ask questions like “Aren’t you scared?” (Yes.) “Is he in danger?” (Yes. He’s been injured, but not badly enough to come home.) “Do you miss him?” (Every single second.) I thought about that stuff almost all the time; the middle of, say, a friend’s baby shower where I was finally relaxed and thinking about something happy was the last place I wanted to be reminded of it. And honest answers made the conversation awkward (Want to hear about how tense and deaf he was at his midtour R&R because his eardrum got blown out in an incident that killed some of his guys? No? Let’s just cut the stork cake then, shall we?) and dishonest but socially acceptable answers left me feeling more isolated than ever. 

Most people would never dream of saying to a firefighter or cop’s wife “I don’t know how you deal knowing your husband could be killed at work every day!” but that is unfortunately par for the course with the military. And it’s frustrating.

Questions that express genuine concern, especially questions that don’t focus on the potential horrors of deployment, which we’re already preoccupied with and have no control over, but instead are about how we’re coping on our end, are much  more likely to be well-received. “Man, that must be tough – how long is he deployed?” would be totally fine.

Post # 67
Member
9546 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Bubblesmcgee:  Well, that’s good to know. I don’t think I’d ever actually just ignore the subject, if it came up. I just can’t see myself doing that. But I will feel a bit more like I’m walking on eggshells. Usually I find questions safer than comments, in those situations, but clearly I’m going to have to be careful about questions as well!

It feel like on the one hand, if you try to say something positive, it could be perceived as not appreciating the hardships involved. On the other hand, if you try to sympathize, it’s just reminding people of the hard parts that they don’t want to think about. So it’s difficult to find an appropriate responce that’s in between. I think it’s just one of those touchy subjects that doesn’t have very many good solutions, because everyone reacts differently. And many people are sensitive about it because they’re constantly dealing with it.

You’re right, I treat pregnancy the same way. Even if a woman has a huge belly and is obviously pregnant, I never bring it up unless they do, because it’s just so touchy with many people.

 And I actually think that I have similar reactions/comments/questions to many other jobs including firefighters/police, docs/nurses with rotating or late shifts, pharmacists, chefs, those that travel a lot for work and those that own their own business. Basically anyone with an unusual or demanding schedules. 

But I’ll just have to be very careful in my choice of comments and questions. Which is good for me to do anyway!  

Post # 68
Member
488 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@hermom:  One time I was in the airport in uniform… never doing that again if I can help it. I was sitting by myself trying to eat a sandwich, and this woman came over and wanted to know if I had any kids I had left behind while going to training. No, but it’s none of your business. Whenever I really deploy, I very well might have kids by then, along with most of the military. Geez.

Post # 69
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I just got one today.

 

My husband and I were waiting at a store and a man started talking to him about the military. He looks at me and asks “So how many kids do you have?”

“Oh, we don’t have any at the moment.”

“Really?!”

“Yeah” I didn’t know where this was going.

“Oh because I thought that all military wives had a lot of kids by the time they are your age” (I’m 27)

 

Post # 70
Member
419 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

@Doralise:  lol that happens all the time where I live…if you are 18 EVERYONE assumes you’re married to a marine and if you say you aren’t married they look at you like you have 3 eyeballs. Same with kids too.

Post # 71
Member
370 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@LittleButtons:  or when they ask you as soon as you see them “Where is he?” 

 

Post # 71
Member
93 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I hate when someone asks, “When is he coming home?” and when you reply they say, “Oh, wow that is a long ways away.” Yeah, thanks for pointing that out, I hadn’t realized!

Post # 72
Member
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

LittleButtons:  “My husband is away for a three day busisness trip in Flordia. I SOOOO know how you feel being being away from your husband.”

Yea, no you don’t. At all.

“Well you choose to marry a man in the military so you don’t get to be sad  or complain when he’s just doing his job.”

No. No. NO. Just stop.

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