Post # 1
So, My Fiance will be back home from Iraq in less than 2 to 3 weeks and I am literally freaking out! I had my first break down and anxiety attack this past Tuesday. I just couldn’t breath I have a million things running through my head.
I am not sure why I am panicking now. We will be engaged a year come Septemember 29th and our wedding is next year. I just feel sometimes that we have rushed into getting married and I feel incredibly pressured. I can’t express these concerns to him because every time I do he asks If im calling the wedding off or breaking up with him, so I have stopped trying to tell him how I am feeling.
We have known each other for about 5 years but we only dated for 3 months before becoming engaged. I feel sometimes the only reason he proposed was to make sure I wouldnt date anyone else while he was overseas. In total we have spent 3 months and 2 weeks together and we will be married in less that 6 months now.
Im freaking out because our families and friends are all such good friends I just feel like everything has to be perfect and we have to go through with everything because it is what everyone expects. Perfect example of this was Tuesday after my panic attack I thought if I went over to talk to my dad maybe it would help well no sooner do I get there they start talking about how excited they are that Fiance will be home and that they will hopefully have a grand daughter in the next year and a half. I could feel another attack coming on.
Will this panic I have go away when he comes home? am I just anxious because he has been gone so long and I am used to being alone? Or do ya’ll think were rushing things?
A few of my girlfriends seem to think that we might have rushed things and that I just may have a small case of cold feet that will go away once he is home. I have just never been in this situation before. I was so sure of things before he left and now I am just scared and not sure what I want. Im not really sure what advice I am looking for but maybe just some words of encouragement or if any other military spouces or fiances have gone through this?
Post # 3
Yeah, I understand why you would feel rushed. My Fiance is in the Navy and we got engaged after a year and a half and are getting married about 5 months after he proposed. I feel like we’re rushing things sometimes and I sometimes second-guess getting married right now. But I love him and I want to marry him anyways and I think it is the right decision to get married in November.
Post # 4
You’re just nervous hun! I had only dated my fiance for four months when he got deployed for the same amount of time. We were only dating at the time but I was so nervous when I saw him!
I think it’s just nerves. Not seeing someone for a long amount of time will do this to anyone. As soon as you see him it will melt away 🙂
Post # 5
If you’re unsure, postpone the wedding! Or at least put planning on hold until he’s home and you can sort it out. He will be home very soon, just take a break from wedding pressure for a while.
It could be nerves or it could be your gut telling you something. As much as I know the stress and moments of panic related to military life and homecomings I wouldn’t continue planning until you guys sort it out, especially since you haven’t been dating long.
I hope it all works out for you!
Post # 6
My Fiance is in the Navy and the first time I went to pick him up after being gone for 7 months I was having panic attacks in the car while driving. My legs were literally shaking I had to sit down in the airport to catch my breath cause I was so nervous. Of course I was there early so thankfully I had time to do so. As soon as he walked in and I could see him all I could do was smile the biggest smile ever and then I ran! Nervousness was gone, just so happy to see him 🙂
And things are always rushed in the military. Especially relationships. No worries, it’ll all work out.
Post # 7
You are experiencing intense cognitive dissonance, which is you actively trying to rationalize outer expectations or ideas, while deep down you know it’s not right. The panic you feel is a physiological reaction to that valley between what you know is right and what you think you want to be right (marrying him)
If he is an adult and loves you enough to marry you, he should also be adult and mature enough to handle your explanation that you need more time. That is not to say that the relationship is over, just that you need more time to make sure it is the right decision. No one should have to decide to marry someone based on a collective ~9 months physically with the other person, let alone at age 26. Wouldn’t your families understand if you need just a little more time, rather than having to go through marriage issues or even possibly a divorce down the line? You shouldn’t have to rationalize your relationship based on the expectations of other people.
Post # 8
@GoldfishPie: That is exactly the point I was trying to make but put more eloquently than I ever could have. Read and heed.
Post # 9
I understand being very nervous when your Fiance comes home from a deployment. I love my (now) husband to pieces, but I was still very, VERY anxious about all sorts of things each time he’d come back from sea. Time and distance can do very funny things to ones’ mind! My advice to you is to just take a few weeks when he gets back to get re-acquainted with him before talking about wedding-related things.
One of the hardest parts about being a military wife for me is the readjustment period that comes after each deployment. If you’re like me, you kind of keep correspondence as light-hearted as can be, as to not cause your loved one additional stress while he’s away. I think it would be very hard to try to explain to him your feelings about rushing things through email or over the phone, without him being there with you in-person to see that you don’t mean you’re calling off the wedding or breaking up (oh, how I HATE that part about trying to communicate emotions when you aren’t in person! Everything gets misconstrued so easily!). Maybe after you’ve both settled back into him being home, you can talk with him in-person and let him know what you are feeling and why. Sometimes a thing as simple as just holding hands while talking about this stuff can give the other person the reassurance they need so they don’t freak out!
Yes, sadly, everything does seem to happen on the military’s schedule and not yours when you are with someone in the service. That doesn’t mean that you can’t postpone a bit if your heart is still feeling unsure once he gets back. But you also don’t know if you’ll be flooded with relief and happiness and all these uncertainties will just wash away once you hold him in your arms again, too!! Just take it a day at a time. 🙂
Post # 10
@crystalirene: Everything will be fine
Post # 11
crystalirene: I’m not a military wife or Fiance, but please PLEASE read and heed what GoldfishPie said to you. I do have friends and family members who have rushed into relationships and marriages (both military and civilian) and sometimes things work out, but sometimes they don’t. Your “gut” is telling you something very important. LISTEN.
No one here KNOWS you, or your Fiance, or your situation – they can relate based on their own experiences, but they cannot KNOW that everything will be ok for you simply because it was for them. This is not to say you should break up, but take your time, be sure. I know it’s hard to deal with other people’s expectations, but you have to do what is right for you – and if that means not getting married in 6 months and not having a kid right away, then that is A-OK.
My dad has always told me – it’s much easier to call off an engagement than is is a marriage. Good luck.
Post # 12
Thanks ya’ll. I just feel like anytime I try to say or tell him how I am feeling he turns it around and then I feel bad. Just because we have a problem doesn’t mean I want to call everything off. I just have my doubts and my worries I feel like everyone else does. I don’t take marriage lightly and I am very very serious about wanting to be with him I Just feel that sometimes I dont think we have been together long enough to really know each other.
My past 2 relationships were almost each 4 years and I feel like at about 3 years I was blindsighted by some of the things that my exes did and acted. I just have this fear with him to. Everyone tells me that He is a good guy though and that I shouldn’t worry about that with him but I have been burned so many times I just dont want to get to that 3 year mark and be like why on earth did I marry him after only being together a year? What the hell was a thinking? He really is great and the only complaint that I have of him is that he is clingy and jealous and has to know what I am doing all the time. He has major trust issues bc the last time he was overseas his gf cheated on him. I understand how he feels I have been cheated on too but I have never given him a reason not to trust me and I dont treat him like he treats me when it comes to trust. I could care less what he does and who he talks to.
HOpefully once he is home we can hash this out face to face and I will either feel better about everything or I will be more confused than ever. Lets hope its the later. Thanks for all your advice girls.