Post # 31
In the last couple of years we’ve had (well I’ve had) an increasing number of people asking when we were going to get married. I got pretty fed up with it, we didn’t feel the need to get married.
We are getting married now because external pressures have appeared (potential need for me to have a visa mainly).
We haven’t had any negative comments but then we’re in our 30s and most of our friends are already married.
Post # 32
Our society’s legal, regulatory system, and customs are set up to recognize and support couples if they are legally married. Couples who are just paired up wit no legal status of “married” take so many risks in being without this support.
It boggles my mind that so many people have come before us working to create safer societal frameworks for the married, and today so many people disrespect that work by mocking marriage. And I cant even grok why couples with children theow off protectioms and support of the systems for,their children.
I think these peole are ignorant. I think these people simply dont know all of the legal etc benefits to marriage. Certainly, there are non-posiives as well, but I dont believe that fhe vast majority of umarried cohabitating couples even know those issues.
If a couple gave me a listbof reasoned ideas why the legalities worked against them rather than for them, I would have respect for that couple. One reason I DO respect is something i heard years ago from someone n a message board, and it resonated with me. She said “we are not getting married and we are a committed couple. We think our union will be stronger for not being married because we will have to work on our relationship every day, we wont be able to slide in the assumption that because we are married, we are stuck,with esch other.”
I thought that was thoughtful and I buy it as a goood reason for them not to get married.
Post # 33
Hilarious and so true. If you choose to have a baby with someone you are making a deliberate choice to tie yourself to them for life, or at a minimum an 18 year shift! It’s as much a choice as walking down the aisle.
I’m not a millennial (41) but I can tell you reasons 3 (it’s just a piece of paper) and 6 (50% of marriages end in divorce) have been churned out for decades and are nothing new. Reason 2 (women take all your money) is as old as the hills too. I’d say if anything this one has declined. I know more early 40s divorced women these days moaning about the reverse (men being greedy- he wants my pension- he won’t pay his share of the childminder- he’s being petty over how much we put into the house- I earn more than him but he can survive, so hands off my money etc) and people only moan about stuff that has some grounds! Time are changing- your friends need to keep up!
Reasons 1 (marriage is patriarchal) and 5 (marriage is about being validated by a man) had some arguable validity back in the early 60s, but now just sound like typical whiney comments from the perpetually offended/identity politics/me me me types that are very abundant in the millennial age group (sorry, but it’s true). I couldn’t cope with too many friends like that, way too tiring trying to police everything I do and say!! They sound a right pain.
4 is an interesting one as it’s also quite new. It’s a product of the wedding industry having become so big and expensive and the bridezilla phenomenon. (Groomzilla too !) I understand the hostility when most young people can’t afford a wedding, it is easy to slag it off instead of admitting you’d like to but worry about the cost. The amusing thing is that proportionately weddings are much less an indulgence in western cultures than they are in many other cultures where lifetime’s savings go into weddings and a whole town gets invited. But your very ‘socially aware’ friends sniping about ‘narcissism’ would know that if they’d actually travelled a bit instead of being all talk.
My suggestion is to invite anyone who’d normally be on your guest list, have the most amazing wedding and show them all how wrong they are.
Post # 34
Well that might be so where you are but people who live together where I am, so common law, get the same protections as those who are legally married.
I think the societal frameworks that you seem to think need to be protected for married people are bs and more legal protection should be given to those who choose not to enter into a legal marriage for whatever reason. I think it is ignorant to think that married people are some special class that should have greater protections than unmarried or single people.
Post # 35
Australia by any chance? Yeah, it’s quite unusual there.
Post # 36
Marriage ain’t for everyone. If they don’t like it, they don’t have to do it. Pretty simple. Don’t focus on the opinions of others.
Post # 37
I think it’s probably your age and friend group. Fiance and I are 27 living in a liberal city with very liberal friends and even the couple who don’t want to get married are super supportive and excited to come to our wedding. They’ll probably grow out of it when they’re older. Honestly, when my sister got engaged at 22, she got a lot of comments worrying she was too young and I think that’s a legit concern, 22 is really young. However, the way the people around you are going about it is pretty crappy and I would try to ignore their negativity.
Post # 38
I am 27 and have been married for 3 months. When I was planning my wedding there were a few people who were constantly telling me about how they don’t believe in marriage, how basically people just get married because they have no back bone and give in to the pressures of society etc. It was hurtful. There was one specific woman who was continuously telling me this, as well as how much she hates the Catholic Church, and it reached a point where I asked my husband (she was more of his friend than mine) to uninvite her to our Catholic wedding. I just didn’t want someone at the ceremony who was so hardcore against that ceremony. He didnt uninvite her, but he did talk to her about it and she stopped bringing it up to me. Her Facebook page is still full of articles about why marriage is terrible, but that’s her right to say what she wants there, I support her having her own views, and I know marriage isn’t for everyone, I just think it’s in poor taste to say it to someone who is actively planning a wedding.
Post # 39
I completely understand your frustration – My boyfriend and I are around your age as well, and anytime we bring up marriage, kids, or anything in future with our relationship, there are people our age who make the same types of comments you have recieved. Mostly female friends of mine who are very feminist and “anti-patriarchy”…
I get a lot of comments like, “don’t you want to see the world?,” “wow you’re just depending on a man for your happiness,” “marrying young is the worst mistake anyone can make” etc.
Post # 40
As someone that got married at 22, I understand all of this. I got it from all of my friends and now I’m getting a new ration of shit for having a baby…you can’t win. We are in a generation that is all for going against past societal norms so participating in the act of marriage is something that doesn’t make sense to a lot of people our age. My best advice is stay true to your beliefs and if marriage is important to you and your Fiance, that’s more than enough reason to marry.
Post # 41
My fiance and I were 25/26 when we got engaged and we got some side-eye that we were too young. I can imagine what the pressure would have been like at 20, and I don’t like it. In your defense, there are always success stories of young marriages. Two of my close friends, my age, got married at 20/21 and they definitely have thier lives together and a great marriage.
We had a lot of people ask why we weren’t waiting until we were 30, like a lot of millennials in realtionships say they’re going to do. But we had the means, we’re student debt free, wanted to start building our life together and were ready to do so, why should we hold off to fit someone else’s ideal time frame?
My sister was living as an artist (hi millennial stereotype) in Paris when Fiance and I started talking about getting engaged. She was horrified that I would do such a thing. When we came to visit her I explained that I like adventuring and traveling too, I just liked having a travel buddy who was my best friend and who I could share all the experiences with. How is that possibly a bad thing?
We also got a lot of shit, particularly from our parents that we were getting married and having a big wedding before buying a house. That’s where we got into the transient millennial mindset and reminded them we don’t know where we want to be in 5 years so why would we lock down a 30 year mortgage on 3BR/2BA where we’d need two cars when we love our 1BR/BA by public transit?
Some of my friends were “oh its so much for one day, especially in this area, yada yada yada….” but they’ve all slowly gotten into it. I think the phrase “Open Bar” helped, but they understand that having everyone you love in one room is a really big and exciting thing that alligns with thier values too.
EDIT: Forgot the part about inviting unsupportive people. Ask them. Ask them if they’re planning to attend for an open bar and to see you in an outrageous dress or if they’re there to support you and your future husband. If it’s the former, then you should let them know you’ve had to reconsider the guest list. Don’t feel like you have to allow that kind of negativity at something that’s sacred and special to you.
Post # 42
Generation x here. I personally don’t care what you do. That’s the beauty of my generation, we didn’t obsess with what ppl were doing with their lives haha. And the hipster generation, omg. Most of them try to thieve whatever they can in shops that we and friends own. They’re like wanna be hippies, which are more knowledgeable about stones than most gemologists, except that most are rude and they steal. I wish that they’d stop coming in. It’s always some negative shit with them.
Post # 43
FauxPas2012: “we think our union will be stronger for not being married because we will have to work on our relationship every day, we wont be able to slide in the assumption that because we are married, we are stuck,with esch other.”
Honestly, this sounds a little smug to me and doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Married people still work at their relationships every day. I’m married, but I’m also aware that divorce happens. I don’t think that just because I signed a paper it means that our relationship is perfect, and that we will automatically be together forever and can just relax and never work on things. If there are issues I’m not going to be like “well we are stuck together so I’ll just wait this one out.”
I might be missing something, but I don’t understand how not getting married means you put more effort into your relationship
(just to be clear, I don’t think unmarried partners put less effort in by any means, and I don’t think anyone ever has to get married, or that you even need a reason not to, but this reasoning just doesn’t add up to me)
Post # 44
A lot of people our age are against marriage because of their parents. Watching a marriage fall apart can really crush the wedding spirit for a lot of people.
My mother has been divorced twice now (on her third marriage) and honestly, if my older sister and I weren’t so into Disney Princesses and the big princess wedding things we’d probably have given up on marriage too.
People just stopped believing in love being a real emotion, heck, people are trying to scientifically prove that love is just long lasting lust (yeah no XD)
Your point about “You need a day all about you” actually caught my eye because let’s be honest, your wedding isn’t about you! It’s about your entire family, both your FI’s and yours coming together to make one big family. The family supporting your union and sharing their love for you! In my opinion, the day is about everyone that is invited, even thoes who don’t show up 🙂
I think maybe you and your Fiance should sit down and talk about how the situation had made you feel (for all we know he feels the same) and maybe you guys could talk to the guest and ask them to please not be so negitive about your union because you know you want this and you just want them to be happy for you guys.
If they aren’t willing to at least keep their mouths shut about their opinions, there is no reason to invite them if they are going to be bitter the whole night.
Post # 45
I’m a Millennial, from a bad family, very liberal feminist. I love marriage, I believe in it.
However, from seeing what people post here, the issue seems to lie in no one really talks to each other. Takes the time to know all the little things about who they will marry. Then it leads to all the negative.
I think your age group is what is just not ready for marriage. Many aren’t at 22/24. That’s okay. I think it’s really young. You don’t know yourself yet, let alone another person.
but let me add, i would only tell a person these concerns if asked. You need to do what makes you happy.