Post # 1
Hi, this is my first time posting, but I’m a long time reader! I need advice on how to deal with my soon to be Mother-In-Law, she has some very strong beliefs. Upon meeting my Mother-In-Law, she quickly told me that we are not allowed to vaccinate any children we have, nor am I allowed to have their hair cut if male. I told her that I would be happy to read any literature from a health care professional on the vaccine subject, well, she started screaming at me and calling me terrible names and compared me to my FI’s ex wife. My Fiance stood up to her and told her that I was in his life forever and he will not have her speak to me like that. The problem is we now have 2 boys and all she talks about is vaccines and their hair. We visit my FI’s family each year (they live far, far away ;)). I’m sick and tired of having my vacation/ life ruined by this women! We do not stay with her but with other relations. She keeps showing up where ever we are and harping on about what a bad mother I am. Grrrrr! This year she has her basement suite empty and wants us to stay there but we want to rent a place away from her, well that is not going over well. I’ve told her before that while I respect her views I do not want to hear about how (she thinks) doctors inject children with Autism. She will not respect my wishes, any advice on how to deal with this women?
Post # 3
What a nutjob fighting with you over children you didn’t even have. She is the grandmother not the parents, ignore her and let her son deal with her. I hope he puts her in her place. DON”T stay with her, I’m glad you live far away. Have your fi tell her you aren’t staying with her.
Post # 4
@vancityjen76: Ok I understand that some people believe that vaccinations hurt children but what is up with the hair thing. Just keep all this only to your visit and make sure you take a little bit of a vacation time after beeing exposed to her.
Post # 5
She sounds crazy as hell!
Post # 6
Actually I am not exactly pro-vaccine myself and if I was a Grandmother I might try to influence my son/daughter to limit the number of vaccines and to start later but what this woman is doing is WAY out of line. And the hair thing has me puzzled as well. You are already trying to limit contact, other than vacationing elsewhere, I don’t know what you can do. DEFINITELY do not stay with this woman. She sounds downright toxic.
Post # 7
I would flat out tell her that until she keeps her views to herself, she won’t be able to see her grandsons
Post # 8
Don’t really know what to tell you except to stand your ground. I would be tempted to cut all ties with her based on how she acts.
Post # 9
I know that this is easier said than done, but the bottom line is YOU and your Fiance are the PARENTS. Whatever you say is the bottom line and the be-all, end-all. She can have all the opinions she wants, but in the end, it’s too bad because what YOU say goes. Be confident in that right (and responsibility) and whenever she starts mouthing off, say the mantra, “These are MY kids, MY responsibility, MY kids.”
I’m aware that people have different feelings on vaccinations, but here some points that I think are worth considering and you can offer them up to her as a matter of discussion if you want to vaccinate:
1. There have been NO proven links between vaccinations and autism. All of the associations are anecdotal (and yes, the anecdotes are very powerful, but to date, this has been studied and studied and studied and still nothing)
2. The risk of child developing autism because of vaccines is either non-existent (if you believe #1), but at the very least, much lower than the child contracting any of the diseases for which the vaccines are designed to protect against–and many of those diseases are incurable and fatal.
3. You are putting OTHER CHILDREN at risk when you don’t vaccinate your own. It may lead to your child being socially isolated (lots of parents won’t arrange playdates with unvaccinated kids), and it can also affect where you might be able to enroll your child when it comes to nursery school and daycare.
On the hair thing, I’ve got nothing except that it’s weird.
Post # 10
I don’t vaccinate & I tend to be on the crunchy side, but I would never act that way towards my DIL (or any other mother, for that matter). Making decisions as a mother is one of the hardest & most important things we can do, and it’s up to each woman to do what’s best for her children.
What does your FH think of all this?
Post # 11
I would tell her that until she can provide medical proof that vaccines cause autism that she needs to let it go. Jenny McCarthy is a celebrity, not a doctor. There is no known cause of autism.
As for the hair cutting is that a religious thing? I know I have seen some Orthodox religions that do not allow a child’s hair cut before a certain age.
Post # 12
The whole Autism/vaccine issue was de-bunked about 6 months ago.
Post # 13
Welcome to the hive! Sounds like it’s a good thing that you live so far away from your MIL! How about striking a deal with her? I’d have your SO call her up and tell her that you will stay with her on this trip if, and only if, she will not comment on your parenting – that includes discussing vaccinating and their hair. If you get there and she goes back on her word, you pack up and go stay in a hotel or with another relative. If she doesn;t agree, well maybe it’s time you started alternating your vacations so they aren’t always to see her!
Post # 15
Whoops! Sorry! My soon to be Mother-In-Law believes that long hair on boys looks masculin… really…. masculin….. I had her repeat that to me as I thought I misheard her! Our eldest son is vaccinated and our youngest will be (he’s 6 weeks) and she knows this. My Mum lost two sisters to a desease that is now preventable, so it was a personal choice for me and my Fiance agreed. My Fiance warned me about his Mum as did many other people. Some of their family members are not on speaking terms with her. Last time we were there we told her if she brings up vaccines we will leave and we did just that, my Fiance has already had that talk with her and she won’t promise anything. It’s such a long way to go (we’re in bc they’re in Nova Scotia) to fight with someone. My FI’s whole family is there so we have to go this year, next year we’re going to visit my family in Europe, so they won’t see us then.
Post # 16
I’d sort of like to see her face if you showed up with your boys wtih their long “masculine” hair, but wearing pink pinafores.