(Closed) Mind My Own Business, or Save this Wedding?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
4485 posts
Honey bee

Stay out of it. It’s not your job to fix her rudeness.

If you aren’t even close friends, back out of the bridesmaid role now, while you can, especially since you don’t feel 100% support for her. Based on your description, I wouldn’t even attend the wedding.

Post # 4
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@1stRosie:  You don’t tell her. She gets to plan her own wedding, and you get yours. Not everyone provides alcohol to guests, and it isn’t required. What is required is being happy for a person who has found the love of her life, and moving forward in uniting as a family.

Post # 6
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

If you don’t care for her, please don’t attend the wedding, especially out of pity.  Brides and grooms deserve to be surrounded by people that love them on their wedding day.  What you view as a mistake may not bother others, or maybe she truly doesn’t care what others think.  Regardless, like a PP said, she gets to plan her own wedding.

Post # 7
3265 posts
Sugar bee

@1stRosie:  Unless she asks keep it to yourself.

Part of being polite is not giving out etiquette advice unsolicited.

Post # 8
2281 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Stay out of it. Let her make her own mistakes.

Post # 9
662 posts
Busy bee

The dress is probably the most important material aspect about a wedding day for us females.  I know since I was a kid when I thought of my wedding day the first thing on my mind was the dress and how it would look.  When we get engaged the first thing we want to look for is the perfect dress.  I’m not excusing her behavior here, but as a future bride yourself you surely can empathize with her wanting to get married in her dream dress. 


If I were you I would back out of being a bridesmaid but still attend the wedding.


Post # 10
4485 posts
Honey bee

Again, stay out of it and back out of the bridesmaid role. Bridesmaids are not required (couples skip them all the time without any harm done) and she will have at least 2 legal adults in attendance who can sign the certificate as witnesses. Since you have stated you don’t care for her as a person, and you don’t like the choices she is making, that is all the more reason to ditch the bridesmaid job. If you don’t, you’ll have more regret than if you backed out now.

Her money and budget are her business only.

Post # 11
2603 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Keep biting!

 To echo JulesSchnooks, alcohol is not a requirement for a wedding, so if I were your friend, I’d forget about the cash bar entirely (which yes, is a breach of traditional etiquette–you don’t ask your guests to pay for things at your own shindig, although etiquette is about as good as custom and the jury on cash bars varies by region) and just have a dry wedding. You are right that your friend is not correct as to her logic and reasoning, which is leaving her open to an etiquette faux pas. 

Having said that, how she chooses to divvy up her finances for the wedding are none of your business–a couple wtih a budget of $25K can spend $20K on their own honeymoon and spend $5K on the actual wedding and that’s their perogative. Same with the dress. Honey, I spent a ridiculous amount on my invitation and did brunch instead of dinner to augment the costs and that’s my right because it’s my money and my offering of hospitality. If you don’t like the hospitality anyone’s offering, then you simply don’t attend. 

In this case, you can voice your opinion (without bringing up the dress or her finances) that you don’t think a cash bar will go over well, IF SHE ASKS YOUR OPINION. But by your own admission, this is a “frenemy” so it’s hard for me to read this and think that you’re talking about bringing up the etiquette issue out of the goodness of your heart and in service to her well-being–it sounds like you’d be doing it to feel superior. She’ll pick up on that immediately and it’ll sprout all sorts of ugliness. 

I sorta wonder why you’d bother being a Bridesmaid or Best Man to a “frenemy”??

Post # 12
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

her wedding her choice – why begrudge someone wearing the dress they want if she is prepared to stand up to others and say im not paying for your booze.

not your business, not your problem

Post # 13
14496 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

she can keeo her dress and its important to her.  What’s she going to do with the alcohol people drink… Nothing.  If the dress is more imp to her, that’s her choice.  Many people have a cash bar, its not that bad.  Do you know her budget? Is she thinking of spending 5k of a 15k budget, or like 500 of a 1500 budget?

Post # 14
2433 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

This isn’t the first wedding I’ve heard of with a cash bar. Is it technically going against what is recommended? Yes, but brides break other rules all the time (having family members throw showers, not handwriting addresses on the invitation envelopes, etc.). It will make her look bad, but no one would expect you (as the bridesmaid) to “right” this wrong since it was clearly a decision made by the bride and groom.

It sounds like you issue with her is greater than just the cash bar. You might save yourself a lot of grief by just ducking out of your role as bridesmaid now, and focusing your energy on the other two weddings you’re in.

Post # 15
1434 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

@1stRosie:  its not your place, seriously. Her wedding planning is not your issue…..especially if she cant take advice well. If you do end up telling her your opinion (nicely) DO NOT bring up the dress….it is her right and her choice to buy whatever dress she wants & to spend her money any way she wants. 

Post # 16
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Everyone has different priorities when it comes to wedding planning. These are the types of thoughts and opinions you should just generally – pretty much always – keep to yourself. Her wedding budget really isn’t anyone’s business but her, her Fiance and anyone else contributing. 

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