(Closed) Minister speedbump

posted 9 years ago in Ceremony
Post # 3
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Well, it depends on a number of things. My first instinct would be to politely but firmly tell him, "Thank you for your suggestion, but we have decided that living together is in our best interests." If you said something like that, would he refuse to marry you or let you have the ceremony at the church?

Things like this always light a fire under me because I don’t think it’s a minister, church, or religion’s place to tell me how to express my love for someone, but that’s a whole different issue! 🙂

Post # 4
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

[Disclaimer: I totally lived in sin with my boyfriend/FI before we were married in a Catholic ceremony, so any hypocrisy I point out is also my own.]

This is the second post I’ve answered in 24 hours seeking advice on how to thwart religious teachings and/or lie to a religious officiant!

I think it’s important to note the hypocrisy of the situation- you want to be married in a religious ceremony, but you don’t want to abide by the teachings of the religion!

I know you say you shouldn’t have to take his advice on this, but he has the right to refuse to marry you if you don’t.  You are blatantly disregarding his (and supposedly your) religious teachings by "living in sin".  (Mind you I also lived in sin, so I’m totally playing devil’s advocate here)

The way my husband and I got around this was that we had a pretty inexperienced priest who didn’t even ask!  I think he was more caught up in the fact that my Fiance wasn’t Catholic.  However, I was petrified of what would happen if the priest found out (he never did- or if he did, he didn’t let on that knew).  Since avoiding the topic or telling a white lie isn’t an option anymore…

You could outright lie to him.  (Obviously not something that you really want to do to a man of the cloth)

You could ask for his advice- tell him that you discussed it at length but that living seperately isn’t something you want to do.  Ask him why he feels it’s important for you to live apart.  Ask what the benefits would be and if he can think of anyway you could still reap those benefits while living together.

I’m guessing the answer is sex- as in, religion says you shouldn’t be having any!  Perhaps he will allow you to compromise and abstain until the wedding?  Ask him if there is something you can do to show your commitment to preparing yourselves for marriage without living seperately.

Keep in mind that if you compromise, you will have to make a sacrifice (or lie about making one) in return for him overlooking your cohabitation.  And generally, a good compromise means nobody’s happy.

Otherwise- I’m thinking you may have to find another minister or  have a secular ceremony.  That’s kind of just the price you pay/risk you take if you want a religious ceremony but disagree with aspects of your religious prohibitions.

Good luck.

Post # 5
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I agree with rosychicklet in that you shouldn’t have to lie to the priest.  Before you make any permanent decisions (i.e. moving out), you should find out if the priest was talking about a requirement for the church or if he was just suggesting a different living arrangement.  My Fi and I have lived together for like 3 years.  When we went in to talk to the priest (Catholic, btw), he mentioned that some couples separate before the wedding.  We told him we’re not one of those couples, and he dropped the subject. 

If your priest is just recommending you move out, I would say thanks, but no thanks.  If it’s a requirement to be married by him, there might be another priest at the church that is willing to marry you without you having to move out (I find old priests are lot more open to the idea of living together before marriage than the young, fresh-out-of-seminary priests are ).  If it’s a requirement of the church, I guess you and your Fi have to decide what you’re more comfortable with: lying to the church, abiding by rules that make you don’t agree with, or finding a whole new church that will marry you.  Hopefully, you can work out an arrangement that works for both you and the priest/church without having to lie or cover up some aspect of your relationship.

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