(Closed) Miscarriages…how did you deal?

posted 7 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
46336 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I haven’t had a miscarriage. I am sorry for your loss. Please give yourself permission to grieve the loss of your baby.

Post # 5
Member
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I have not had a miscarriage myself, but I know that when my friend called to talk with me about hers, I just encouraged her to feel whatever it is she was feeling and not have guilt about it. At first she seemed to deal with it as you did, kept on going and working through it and seeing it as happening for a reason. But do allow yourself to have those moments when it hits you. You have had a loss, and it can come back in strange ways at strange times.

Maybe take a day to yourself, write about it if that makes you feel better, take a bath, relax, think about any and all feelings you have, and just allow yourself to have a whole day to grieve, remember, reflect, etc. I’m glad you’ve had an amazingly supportive husband. I am sorry for your loss, and just because you didn’t talk about it right away at the time doesn’t mean that your mom or a close friend or your husband won’t take the time to hear you now, hug you, and be there for you. There is no expiration on grief. 

Post # 7
Member
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

So sorry for your loss! I miscarried last year and it was awful. I took about a week out for myself to just cry. I cried constantly, and hard. After that I started going out again but still would have my moments. For me, I had a hard time with it physically and I think that helped me mourn, b/c I was going through the miscarriage for months. The baby wouldn’t pass. I took pills, and that didn’t work, so I had a D&C, and that didn’t work. I was bleeding like crazy (TMI- I had to sit on the toilet for hours b/c the blood would soak through the pads in a minute so I couldn’t ever get up), and I had to have another D&C. Since I had so much going on with my body, I couldn’t just ignore what happened and move on yet.

I’m 18 weeks pregnant now, and still I get sad about the baby I lost. Of course I’m super excited to have this baby, but I can’t help but be upset that I don’t have my first. It was especially hard on the due date. I’m felt like I needed some sort of closure, and since I’m Jewish I found a rock (we put rocks on graves instead of flowers) to put in my backyard for the baby.

I didn’t tell my close friends what happened at first, b/c like you, they didn’t know I was pregnant adn I wasn’t ready to talk about it. By the time I had to have my 2nd D&C I finally felt ready to talk, and it helped to have their support.

If you have any questions or want to talk more, feel free to PM me!

Post # 8
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

I’m so sorry for your loss. I miscarried last July/August. Just like the previous poster, Colors, mine went on for a long time. I bled for five weeks and finally had to have a d&c. (Found out I had fibroids and they think that is what prolonged the bleeding) Every day for five weeks was a constant reminder of our loss. I also had to take pills (to try to speed up the bleeding) and was stuck in the bathroom for hours one night and almost hemorraged and had to go to the ER. The whole experience was super traumatic both emotionally and physically. I never cried so hard in all my life. My husband was amazing, though. I don’t know how I could have gotten thru it without him!!! He held me close every time I sat and sobbed and each day (after the five weeks) got easier. Now that we are ttc again, we are happy about having a baby! But there isn’t a day that goes by, that I don’t think of what happened. And what would have been my due date is coming up in early March so I know that will be a very hard day for me. I keep thinking how I’d be 8 months pregnant now! It’s still very sad, but much easier to deal with.

I know what you mean about the flashes of sadness. It’s very normal! And everybody grieves differently. It takes some women longer than others. We are all unique in how we cope. If you need to talk, PM me! 🙂

Post # 9
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

miscarriages do happen a lot, but I don’t think that makes them any less traumatic. I’m sure you loved your baby, no matter what stage of pregnancy you were in. I’m very sorry and I hope you get the support you need. Even if it did happen a few months ago, you still probably need to grieve. 

Post # 10
Member
2538 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I didn’t have a miscarriage; I had a stillborn baby which means that my baby could’ve survived outside the womb and I had to labor and deliver a baby I’d never take home. Due to this, I was able to take a maternity leave of 6 weeks. Those weeks sitting at home were really hard. And when i went back to work, it was really hard because people thought I’d actually had a living baby, so they were all asking me. It was in my face constantly. People who used to talk to me a lot ignored me; people who never talked to me had the nerve to say “God just needed another angel.” It was always in my face.

It was and is constantly hard as is a miscarriage. Honestly, it’s something that people really never get over. I’ve heard of mothers with grown children think about their missing child. You don’t have to keep this to yourself. You can talk about it because there’s nothing shameful about miscarriage or stillbirth. Sometimes it happens no matter what a mother does.

Post # 11
Member
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I had an etopic pregnancy at 8 weeks. We alreay had a little girl so it made it alot easier on us. I found the way for me to deal with it was to remember it wasnt a baby. I didnt want to think of this as a little baby dieing inside of me. I was given steriod injections in both my legs to terminate the pregnancy and it was terrible pain and bleeding for about 2 weeks. I believe most of the time I just tried not to think about it, and just be thankful for the daughter we did have. But a few months later is when it really hit me and I cried for days. Everyone deals with it differently. But everything happens for a reason. I still think about it now. And feel worried about trying for another baby after the wedding. We definitley want another baby, but after having an etopic pregnancy you have an increased chance of having another one. The docotor says I am likely not to have another one. But I am still worried. And I dont want to go through that again !

Post # 12
Member
500 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I didn’t read any posts other than the main one because I wanted to give my own personal experience.  I had a horrible miscarriage at about 6-7 months back in 99.  I was cramping really bad all night, called the doctor, they told me to sit in a hot tub because it was probably gas.  I didn’t know any better, so I did that.  Skipping ahead to speed this thing up, I threw up, water broke, screamed in terror, and all of this was at home.  I got to the ER in the fantastic hospital of my tiny little town where they did NOTHING.  Finally they sent me up to another hospital where I had an emergency section.  She died.  I almost had to have a blood transfusion.  I got to hold her, and I do have pictures of her, and some other baby things that still smell like her to this day.  And her birth cert is framed.  Man I’ve gotten off topic. moving on..

I think that everyone deals with things in their own way.  For me, I was very traumatized.  And I still think about what happened to this day.  My son is now 6 but when I was pregnant with him, I went to the ER pretty much any time I sneezed to be checked on.  And my doctor knew my experience so he was very patient and understanding.  I think that you have to just do both – mourn and also remember that life goes on.  There is nothing wrong with mourning and everyone will do that in their own way, but you do still have a life to live.  Do what works for you and take as much time as you need.  If you need a good cry, cry.  If you need to scream, scream.  And if you need to smile, smile.  Alright, going to wipe my eyes before someone comes into my office now. 

*hugs everyone*

Post # 14
Member
2538 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

If you want to find more women who’ve had miscarraiges and stillbirths, you should check out dailystregth.org. There’s a group for women who’ve lost and I found it really helpful after I lost Moose.

Post # 15
Member
3363 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I had one back in November.  I just cried and cried.  I hated people telling me “it’s for a reason” and “it wasn’t a baby yet, just a bunch of cells.”  Well, f*ck them because regardless of how far it had developed, it was still what would have been our future child.

I took up a new hobby to keep me busy.  I started making jewelry.  But yea, it just hits hard sometimes, suddenly.  Even now at 3 months later.  I just try to distract myself because it is easier to avoid facing.  Probably not healthy, but I am hoping time will heal the pain.

Post # 16
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Well, what the heck, right?

My Fiance and I are pretty sure I had an early (think before tests come back positive) miscarriage back in June.  He “felt” something but it didn’t feel “right”.  He knew I had conceived with my daughter before I did by this 6th sense, so I trust him.  I had a horrible period (was a day late, I think), with horrible cramping (the doubled over in pain type where the hot tub and tylenol did nothing to help).  It was VERY short and lighter than usual.  Jump ahead to August when I end up balled up on my bed, scaring my 8 year old son because I was crying in pain and texting my Fiance to come home and take me to the hospital.  I NEVER ask that.  NEVER.  Unless it’s extreme (like when I had pneumonia…).  All tests came back clear, despite being in misery.  they claimed it to be cysts and sent me home.  I go to my GP and he sends me for more tests, that come back clear.  He puts me on antibiotics.  Well, that starts my period up again and the pain vanishes when that happens.  Long story short: research on my own lets me think it was a miscarriage and some was left behind and that leftover got infected two months later.  

Had a milder repeat Monday.  Fun.  Not really.  This time I call my OB-GYN.  I have an appointment today, but the nurse I talked to Monday said she was given a note saying “possible miscarriage”.

I was upset, depressed, and angry (more at my body than anything) but also partly because I didn’t get the comfort I wanted from my Fiance.  Totally female with whacked out hormones, I know, lol.  Now?  I’m looking forward to trying again and glad I have my Fiance who was also upset/depressed and yet is glad that my body is starting to feel “right” again.   

So, I understand the “not really grieving” feeling.  If it’s way too early to really get attached, then there isn’t but so much grief to do.  If it’s further along, I’d question if you DIDN’T grieve.  Everyone is different and how they deal with things varies greatly.  (believe me, this is something I have to deal with with my Fiance because his way is SOOOO much different from mine.  I often tease him about being a Vulcan sometimes! LOL!)

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