(Closed) Miserable is one way to put it. Ashamed is another – please help!!!

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
3295 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

awww im sorry youre going through this… i would end things with your fi…. you sound like you were never fully committed to marriage and the engagement just kind of happened and you got caught up in it all. you really need to follow your heart here, if you are not happy then dont drag him along while you try to decide what to do. the fact that youre even posting this tells me you have made up your mind, its just a matter of doing it (breaking it off), which is probably very scary for you, but in the end i think youll be happy you did it.

Post # 4
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

It sounds like you have already said all the mean things anyone could say about this to yourself. I’m sorry you feel so bad and conflicted. It must be really upsetting.

You are already doing what my number 1 advice would be: Go talk to a professional. You sound like you have (very understandable) issues with what a marriage is and can be. That could very reasonably be resulting in conflicted feelings, cold feet, and all the other things that are happening.

On a personal level, I would advise you to ask yourself what you want out of your marriage, even the stupid things that don’t last like passion, if you want it (whatever those things are) you will always be missing it. Ask yourself if your fiance can provide those things. And be brutally honest with yourself. No matter what this will be hard and you will feel bad.

I don’t think you are a bad person. I hope you can be happy, what ever the outcome.

Post # 5
7586 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

Ok so I’m not going to freak because I kind of understand. I go with you leave Fiance now.  If you are willing to even start this, he probably isn’t the right one for you.

Secondly, we do tend to repeat the traits we hate the most in our parents. I have been in your same shoes. I was engaged and contemplated marrying my best friend. Everything was always “good” but I never got that amazing this is the one feeling. I would start relationships that didn’t always involve physical cheating but def mentally cheating. I left that engagement and then sought therapy to figure out why I would repeat the type of behaivor I loathed so much. It’s super common, not that it makes you feel any better.

It helped me so much and after years of figuring things out I am now engaged and getting married to the one!

Post # 6
169 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Well the only insight I can give you on this subject, would be from the first few things you said about your fi.

One of my very best friends married a guy that she loved very very very deeply. However they lacked that certain “passion” I guess. Well they were married for about 2 years and then they both one day just simply said I don’t love you the way I should love my wife/husband. They got divorced, are still best friends, and are both with awesome people who they love very much and from what I can tell she has passion with her new guy.

Now I don’t know what you can really do, but maybe you need to talk to a therpist and say the things you just wrote, or even read what you just wrote to yourself and think about it. I know that you said that you are going to, but maybe even reading out loud what you just wrote will help you! And in noway am I saying that what happened with my friend will happen to you and your fi, I’m just trying to say that sometimes when you don’t feel like you have that special something with a person you really don’t, and sometimes it is best to just move on. However my friend didn’t already have someone else in her life, and if I were you I would be very careful about making sure you aren’t thinking that the other grass is really greener, because a lot of the times it isn’t.

Best of Luck and I hope you figure out what makes you happy <3

Best of Luck!

Post # 7
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

This is a tough situation.

I do not think you’re a bad person for this. Just because someone is awesome, and a good person, doesn’t mean he’s a good person for you. Maybe this is the wake up call you needed.

You never had passion with your Fiance and thought you didn’t need it. Now you realize that maybe it’s something missing from your relationship and that you might want to have that too.

You need to evaluate just how much you want it. If you can live without it and be happy and committed to your Fiance from this point on, you’ll need to find ways with him to spice up your relationship.

If you can’t live with low passion, then you might have to leave. Don’t forget that the new guy may seem like he’s all that now, but it always looks good in the beginnings; so don’t leave one FOR another – if you leave, do so because you know that you don’t get what you need from your current relationship and that it’s not fixable.

Good luck..

Post # 8
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

This is really a tough time for you!  As hard as it might be, I agree, it is best to come clean with your Fiance – and not just because the other guy came into the picture. Even before him, it sounds like you weren’t into making a life commitment with Fiance. 

And once/if you do that, don’t run to the other guy for solace. This is be difficult, but now is the time to stand on your own two feet.  Your therapist will help you as will your friends and family.  I also did not have the best marriage example set for me by my parents.  Watching them and their messy divorce, I definitely saw what I did NOT want.  It just made me decide that I have to be happy with and by myself before even trying to be in a relationship.  Do not beat yourself up for what you’ve done.  All you can do now is move forward in the right direction.  Best of luck to you.

Post # 9
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Hi Mizerable. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

I was in a similar situation where I met someone who I had extreme passion for amd I wanted to get to know but it was so hard for me to do that to Fiance. I told him that I had met someone and you know what, we sat down, had a heart to heart and figured out what was missing in our relationship.

You will go through moments where your are down in your relationship, but I honestly think that you should talk to your Fiance and give your relationship the chance it deserves. This is just me, but if i were you, i would distance myself from that guy you met to give your relationship that shot at fixing itself.

I hope this may help at least a bit. There will always be temptation, the key is whether or not it is worth it to act upon it.

And much like you, my father cheated on my mother many times and she stayed with him becuase she loved him and becuase of her children. Thankfully they have worked through it and I must say sometimes when I get urges, I feel like I will be like my father but my mind does not allow me to.

Good luck.

Post # 10
340 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Look at this as a blessing. Wouldn’t you rather know now that you can feel the passion with someone and that your Fiance may not be the “one” before you walk down the aisle? I know it is easier said than done to leave ones Fiance, and kudos to you for opening up, my vote is to leave your Fiance.

Post # 11
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

Is it possible that you “settled” for your Fiance because he is a good guy?  Maybe you thought that would be enough?

I would dump your Fiance and keep dating this other guy.  See where the relationship goes.  I say this having done it in my own life.  Yes it is incredibly hard.  But it’s harder to live a lie and pretend you are going to make a great marriage if you won’t.  Don’t feel trapped or cornered by the environment or the past.  It doesn’t matter if you live together.  It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together.  It doesn’t matter if his family loves you and yours him.  What matters is HOW HE MAKES YOU FEEL.  Trust yourself.

If you feel like you’re settling, you are.  And if you feel something might be missing, it is.  Sexual chemistry is not everything in a relationship, but it is important.

Post # 12
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think you need to start by seeing a counsellor and then couples counselling,, maybe if your Fiance knew how you were feeling things could be better between you two?


Post # 13
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I am SO sorry that you are having these feelings!  I can completely relate with what you are going through because I was in the same boat.  I got married to my absolute best friend in the world at the age of 19 and I was married for four years.  Our marriage was great in all aspects except PASSION!  We didn’t have any and I tried to avoid sex at all costs because it was more of a chore than anything.  I tried so hard to look past that for years because he really was/is a great man and we had a great life together.  After months of pondering how to talk to him, I couldn’t take it anymore and I told him how I was feeling…it turned out that he was feeling the same way and we decided to amicably divorce.  For so long, I thought I didn’t have the sexdrive necessary to be in a so-called passionate relationship…until I met my FI!  We are best friends, he is a wonderful man, and the icing on the cake is: we can’t keep our hands off each other! 

So as much as I loved my ex, “love” wasn’t enough in our situation.  I never thought I would say that, but when all was said and done, we were just friends who loved each other; not friends “in love”…and there is a difference. 

I’m telling you all of this to let you know that you’re not the only one who feels this way.  Just because you’re feeling this way doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.  In fact, I think it’s far more admirable to tell your Fiance NOW before the wedding rather than go through with it and subject Fiance to potentially more pain down the road. 

If you’re feeling this strongly about “guy” versus your Fiance, you can’t ignore those feelings…they will end up eating you alive!

Please do yourself, “guy”, and Fiance a favor by avoiding meetings with “guy” until you decide.  I completely understand your feelings, but I don’t condone any form of cheating (emotional or physical). Good luck!

Post # 14
769 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I’m so sorry for how you’re feeling.  I don’t think you should be with anyone right now.  My advice would be to have a real heart to heart with your Fiance.  He may also think/suspect that things aren’t totally right between the two of you.  And if he doesn’t, I do think you owe it to him to be honest.  

As for the other guy, I think you sound too confused (understandably) to be dating anyone right now.  I think you should take some time and allow yourself to do some real soul searching.  Maybe this new guy is right for you, maybe you’re just looking towards him b/c you’re scared of marrying your Fiance, who knows.  If this new guy really is the one, he’ll understand.  He knows you have a Fiance, so he should realize that this isn’t going to be easy – no matter what happens.

Post # 16
4479 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

I’d say dump them both and seek counseling for yourself. It’s awfully hard to change patterns you see in yourself when you’re accommodating another person as well, and there’s something obviously unhealthy here. Initial chemistry is not what makes a relationship, and whatever is thwarting you in your current relationship will thwart you in your next if it’s something you learned from watching your parents. Fix yourself first. Deal with finding your life partner after.

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