- 9 years ago
Hello bees. First off, I wish to make a request. What I am writing about is of a very sensitive nature and I debated even posting for a few days because of this. I know some people may feel negatively toward me and may wish to even say some harsh things. My request is for people to please refrain from doing so. As you can tell by the name under which I am posting, I am already miserable. I do not need people telling me how horrible a person I am as I already feel that way. I am posting because I am looking for advice and maybe a sympathetic ear from someone who may have gone through something similar. Thank you. Okay… here goes:
My fiance and I have been together for 3 1/2 years. He is wonderful. Caring, funny, attentive, loving, honest, everything that we all love in our fiances. He is my best friend in the sense that I have always been able to tell him anything and enjoy spending as much time with him as I can. We have been engaged since June. I guess in hindsight my first concern arose when he proposed. I did not feel excited. I did not cry. I felt happy, I suppose, but at the same time rather numb. In the ensuing months, I still have not become excited at the prospect of getting married. Maybe that is in part because I haven’t had much faith in marriage on account of the horrible example my parents set for me. (My father cheated many times on my mother. She stayed with him because of the money he made. Sad on both accounts.) Anyway, I surmised that my lack of enthusiasm for getting married was based on my own skewed perceptions of what marriage seemed to be. However, it still bothered me that I could not get excited. I wondered what the hell was wrong with me. We went ahead and put down the deposits on our venue, photographer, and entertainment. That’s as far as we’ve gotten thus far.
One other thing I should say about my relationship with my fiance because it is a factor in this story: I never felt much passion with him. Even in the beginning, I felt more like I was with a best friend, one whom I loved of course and was attracted to, but there was never that “oh-my-God-I-want-to-jump-you” passion. I know that passion like that is not crucial for a good relationship nor is it usually sustainable over time, but I always felt a little bit of a void in that regard. I enjoy sex with him, but it’s often… boring. (God, that sounds awful!) But Fiance has all these other qualities that I value so much in a man so I let it go, and no relationship is perfect.
Last month I met someone. I wasn’t looking to meet someone. I was happy in my relationship despite the few very minor setbacks. I was at an event and I noticed this man. This may sound pathetic but it was one of those instances when time stops. All I saw was him. My heartrate sped up. I was just inexplicably, forcefully drawn to him. But I didn’t do anything. I told myself I was stupid for being so attracted to some stranger. (Let me note here that I have NEVER been tempted to cheat on my fiance, nor had I been attracted to someone else. Ever. Not in the whole course of our relationship until this day.) To make a long story short, at the end of the event he approached me. I didn’t know he even noticed me, but he had. We talked briefly. The next day he found me on Facebook. He knew from that first day that I have a fiance. We started talking. Then we started seeing each other. And now I fear I am in love with one man (FI) and falling for another. Yes it has only been a month and a half but this other person also possesses all the wonderful qualities my fiance does. But with him I also have that passion. He hasn’t asked me to leave Fiance, but he hopes that one day I will. He doesn’t put pressure on me to do so and knows that there is a good chance he will lose out in the end and I will marry Fiance.
Bees, I don’t know what to do! I am crying as I write this. I feel like a horrible, horrible person. I feel like I am exactly like my father. I hate myself and keep asking myself HOW I let this happen. WHY didn’t I stop it when I had the chance. Now, I see I have four options: 1) End things with the other guy. This is obviously the right thing to do. However, there is a part of me that thinks (and please don’t lash out at me for saying this) that MAYBE I am more compatible with him than with Fiance. 2) Tell Fiance the truth and end our relationship. I say end it because I know Fiance would never forgive me for my betrayal. I couldn’t blame him. This will cause a lot of damage because I am very close with his family. They have taken me in and I do love all of them. Fiance would be crushed and his family will rightfully despise me. I am FI’s first love. (He is 7 years younger than me.) 3) End things with the other guy and hope Fiance never finds out. This would mean living with this secret for the rest of our lives. Ugh. 4) Leave Fiance and hope things with the other guy work out.
I am so lost. I cry in the shower because it is the only place I can do it in private. I am going to see a therapist to help me work this issue out. I hate myself for getting myself in this situation. I hate myself for doing this to my wonderful Fiance. Please, please, if anyone can relate or has anything constructive to say, do so!