(Closed) Miserable is one way to put it. Ashamed is another – please help!!!

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
305 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry you’re having such conflicting feelings during what should be a very happy time for you and your Fiance.

I think the first thing you need to do is to put the wedding planning on hold for a while.  There is no point going forward with something you are so obviously unsure about.  And it isn’t fair to either yourself or your Fiance to go ahead with a marriage that you don’t have faith in.

Second, I think you need to attend some counseling to try to come to terms with your distrust of the institution of marriage.  From your post it sounds like your parent’s relationship really affected you and your views on marriage as a whole.  Maybe working through them would benefit how you approach your relationships.

Third, I think you need to do some deep introspection about what you really want out of your life and your partner.  Maybe there is some emotional or physical need you have that your Fiance isn’t fulfilling.  Maybe it can be resolved with more communication with your Fiance.  Or maybe it is something that your Fiance can’t provide and you might be better off looking for someone else that can.  But ultimately it is something that you need to explore for yourself.  Beating yourself up emotionally isn’t going to change the situation.

Finally, have your expressed these concerns to your FI?  Does he know that you feel this way or has he ever noticed that you aren’t that excited about your upcoming marriage?  I think you need to have some honest communication with him.  As your partner, he deserves to know what you are feeling and not be blindsided if you decide to call off the wedding entirely.  If you decide to try to work through your relationship, maybe some couples counseling with either a professional or a person of your faith might help you both to learn to communicate and fulfill each other needs better.

Good luck!

Post # 18
Member
7298 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Mizerable: I would take time and get away from them both. A man who is still pursuing you while he knows you have a Fiance is a douche bag. I’m sorry to say it, but if he doesn’t respect your relationship, he doesn’t respect you.

I would take some time alone and figure out what you want in a partner and what you want out of life. I would not jump from one relationship to another and I would not enter a relationship with a man who says that he hopes I leave my Fiance.

Post # 19
Member
201 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Truly evaluate the relationship you’re in- can you see yourself being happy with a future with your FI?  Are you compatible? enjoy the same things, etc? Normally when we allow ourselves to cross the line with someone new, it’s because our needs arent being met in our current relationship- we arent feeling appreciated, he isn’t being affectionate enough or complimenting you, or meeting your needs in other ways. 

I was in a similar situation to yours not so long ago.  A guy swept me off my feet by flirting with me, flattering me, and making me feel like i was his fantasy girl. we became fb friends and started chatting daily…then texting, then meeting in person.  He made me feel like a million bucks. 

But it was an illusion!! he wasnt what i thought he was.  I couldnt see straight for months and i was torn like you are.  Fiance found out…we went to therapy and have been on a long road of recovery since.

Looking back…it was a huge mistake on my part for letting this guy get too close to me and coming between me and my FI–who at the time was being a little neglectful.

Just take it slow…back away from new guy and reevaluate your current relationship before doing anything drastic.

Post # 20
Member
305 posts
Helper bee

And I have to add that I agree with the bees that say to distance yourself from the new guy for a while.  If he’s really “the one” he will be okay waiting for you while you figure yourself out.  I don’t think that you can successfully build a new relationship on the ruined foundation of your past one.

And if you get to the point where you are really cheating on your Fiance (I think emotional cheating is cheating also, but that a whole different topic), you will just be bringing in doubt to your new relationship.  If you would you comfortable cheating on your current Fiance, the new guy will always wonder if you would do the same to him.

Figure yourself out first.  Worry about the guy later.

Post # 21
Member
1480 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Nthing that you’re not a bad person. Maybe I’m biased because your post reminded me so much of myself at one time. It’s a bit embarrassing to admit this publicly, but my heart goes out to you so much. I want you to know that you’re not alone.

The first time I saw my Fiance, I was in a long term relationship with another guy. Just like you, it seemed like a pretty good relationship but there was something missing. The first moment I laid eyes on Fiance, my life changed. It was exactly like you described. My heart stopped. I was inexplicably drawn to him. Everything in my being was telling me I should be with him. This had never, ever happened to me before.

But my rational brain told me, “You’re being an idiot. You don’t know anything about him, he’s probably a jerk anyway. A really good-looking jerk, but a jerk nonetheless.” I tried talking more to my bf, to stoke up the flames again, but it was no good. Fiance was not a jerk, but an amazing person. Day and night, Fiance was the only one I could think about. I cried too. I felt like the scum of the earth, and I agonized over what to do with myself. It didn’t help that Fiance was drawn to me also and we had to see each other every day. Same as you, we talked, started seeing each other, and then fell head over heels in love. We tried quitting each other, but it didn’t work.

Eventually I realized that if I felt this way for another man, there was no going back to my relationship. What’s done is done. Even if it might turn out that Fiance is not the one for me, it was obvious that my bf was definitely not the one for me. So the decision was clear. Down one path lay certain disaster (with my bf), and down the other path lay uncertainty. I chose uncertainty. Breaking up with my bf was really hard. I felt like a monster. I had moments of panic where I thought, “What have I done? He loves me and I’ve just thrown it all away.” But I knew that I would end up with a lifetime of regret if I made the safe choice.

Four years later, every day that I’ve known Fiance I’ve fallen more and more in love with him, and every day I’m more and more certain that he’s the only one for me. Maybe we won’t last forever either. No one can know that for sure. All I know is, I don’t regret a thing about my decision. There’s no more feeling that something is missing. I can’t wait to marry Fiance and journey through life with him.

Here’s my advice to you. You need to look deep within yourself and figure out if you can ever be happy again with your Fiance, never knowing what could have been with this other man or any other. If you can be happy without passion. A professional counsellor or therapist can help you a lot with this. If the answer is no, if you would always find your thoughts wandering to him, if he would always be a ghost in your relationship, then for your sake and your FI’s sake, break off the engagement. You both deserve happiness, and this is not the way.

If you do decide to break things off with your Fiance, do it as kindly as possible. NEVER, EVER tell him that there was someone else. That will only hurt him so much more. And then give yourself time to grieve your old relationship and heal before you start a new one with this other man. Even though you’re the one deciding to end it, you still need that time to recover and sort out your all of your doubts and issues. Only then should you think about starting a new relationship with anyone.

Best of luck to you, and keep us updated. Just remember that you’re not alone, and you’re not a bad person. The best you can do is be true to your heart.

Post # 22
Member
9024 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I really agree with

View original reply
@Miss Tattoo: that its not a good sign that he is still Seeing/pursuing you knowing that you are engaged and not really respecting your relationship. The reality is you need to stop and think this through and make a decision of which ONE you want to be with. You dont have to stay with your Fiance just because you are engaged, no point marrying a man that  you arent sure about, but beware that they say “you never know what you’ve got til its gone” Just think it through very hard and make the right decision because this is one of those things that will be hard to go back on

Post # 23
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

I am very, very sorry you are going through this.  I understand the pain of being so conflicted.  I’ve been there, minus the other guy in the picture. 

First, you owe it to your Fiance, your best friend, to be honest about your concerns.  You may not need to acknowledge the other guy yet… just focus on you and him.  Really understand what issues are YOUR issues (fear of commitment, fear of divorce, etc) and what issues are the relationships (lack of passion, etc).  And be realistic about yourself and relationships… passion can fade, and you have a great guy. Just slow everything down.  Take the time you need.

As others have said, be sure to seek out counseling for yourself.  Couples counseling can help to make sure you both are on the same page about marriage, but if you are not working towards that goal, it may be a futile attempt. Having an outsider’s opinion may put everything into perspective for you.  Also check out ConsciousWeddings.com and ConsciousTransitions.com.  It might validate some of your feelings.

As far as the other man, perhaps he is the guy for you, but out of love and respect for your current Fiance, you need to deal with this first before you pursue anything else.  Pray, journal, talk to those you trust, listen to your heart and follow your gut.

Post # 24
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I am with Miss Tatoo and bells, I would leave both.  You lack passion with you Fiance and the new guy has a total disrespect for a committed relationship.  I always feel that men that go after women in relationship have something desperately wrong with them.  Take time to go to counseling and really find out what you want and need in a partner and then you can start looking again.  Good Luck!

Post # 25
Member
201 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

oh and i have to add: read “not just friends”…best book i read to put everything into perspective

Post # 26
Member
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

There HAS to be a reason why you decided to date this other man.  You need to look long and hard at what the reason is.  Was it the excitement of catching another man’s eye/fancy?  Was it the thrill of doing something you shouldn’t do?  Is it because you felt you were settling with your Fiance and wondered what else was out there?

Until you figure out what the trigger for seeing this guy was to begin with, you won’t solve any problems. 

I wish you luck.  Only you know what is best for you. 

Post # 28
Member
1480 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

View original reply
@Mizerable: Miss Tattoo does make a very good point. So to answer your question, of course we had doubts and concerns about the way our relationship started. I can assure you that it was not an issue that we simply swept under the rug and tried to forget about. It was the subject of many conversations, believe me.

In hindsight, should we have done some things differently? Yes, of course. But as two flawed human beings, we did the the best we could with what we knew at the time and hoped it would all turn out. Four amazing years later, all that matters is that we love each other more than anything. So while I would change some of the things we did to get here, I don’t regret making the choice to take this journey with him. Not one bit.

I don’t want to defend my Fiance or our relationship. I don’t feel I need to. I know we’re solid. I know he respects me. But I would like it clarify that it wasn’t all fun and games for Fiance either. He wasn’t a douchebag who was messing with my relationship for shits and giggles. The way things started for us, it hurt him too. At the beginning, I was so confused and in so much turmoil, and he suffered alongside me. He also got the added “fun” of worrying that I would break his heart anyway, but he was willing to take that risk. So of course he hoped I would end it with my bf and be with him instead. Otherwise, what would be the point? But he never put any pressure on me to make a decision. I never questioned his sincerity. Not after seeing what he went through too.

I’m guessing you’ll be just as confused for a while yet, which is why I recommended that you take some time to get all your thoughts clear before you jump into the new relationship with him. That’s one of the things that I would have done differently.

I don’t expect everyone else to understand what it was like for me and Fiance. We didn’t know either, until it actually happened to us. People can say or think what they like about it, it doesn’t affect how we feel about our relationship. Believe me, anything anyone could say to us, we’ve already said it or worse to ourselves. And maybe that’s hard to swallow for people who don’t know anything else about us, but for our friends and family who have known us as a couple for so long, all the “scandalousness” is ancient history. We’ve been through so much together since then, that stuff has no relevance anymore.

Post # 30
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I grew up in similar circumstances where my dad was not a good man and my mom couldn’t support herself on her own. I think everyone has those moments of being magnetically attracted to someone else. My psychology professor always used to tell us that the average person falls in love at least twice AFTER being married. Infatuation and physical magnetism happens even more frequently.

The key is being emotionally mature enough to recognize the feelings, acknowledge them and then dismiss them. For an emotionally integrated person these feelings never really pose a threat to a committed relationship, it’s just a part of life. They are able to take the necessary steps to keep their bio-chemistry (which is not under your control) from affecting their commitments to others (which IS under your control). My dad was never able to figure that part out.

All you have to do to resolve this is to remember what the cheating did to your mom. Yes, you should have stopped this sooner “when you had the chance” but really you do still have the chance. You can choose to break up with your Fiance, or break up with this other man, but I don’t think you should wait too long to choose.

It could be that this man is filling a hole in your relationship with your Fiance and his success indicates that Fiance is not the one for you. But it just as easily could be the case that your experience with your parents has made you so ambivalent about marriage that your subconscious was just looking for an excuse to escape from making the impending commitment. If it wasn’t him it would be somebody/something else.

Your post makes you sound like you are in so much pain 🙁 I hope the therapist will be able to help you clarify things. I wish there was some button somewhere to fix impossible stuff  🙁

Post # 31
Member
318 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Somewhere on the ‘bee I read that marriage is a choice. It was a very eloquent post and I wish I had the link to the thread. I’m seriously paraphrasing here but the poster had said that marriage is a choice; we choose to love our fiances/husbands. We choose them to be “the one”. And we vow to forsake all others. Marriage doesn’t mean that we magically never have feelings for another person. Marriage doesn’t automatically blind you and ensure you never find another person attractive. Marriage doesn’t make your relationship flawless. Marriage is a choice to love another for better, for worse, in good times and in bad, as long as you both shall live.

It sounds like you need to make your choice and I wish you all the luck in the world. I’m very glad you’re seeing a therapist; you are very brave for facing your emotions head-on.

Sending a lot of hugs your way. Please take care of yourself, maybe a bubble bath or some tea, to ease the stress a little.

The topic ‘Miserable is one way to put it. Ashamed is another – please help!!!’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors