Miserable SIL & COVID Etiquette

posted 10 months ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
215 posts
Helper bee

You don’t have to like her and its clear that you do not.   If everything went down exactly how you stated with no nuance, then I agree she seems like a difficult person.

Its completely up to your husband about inviting her to your celebration because it will effect his relationship with his brother.   I know on the B it is common to say you don’t have to have anyone at your wedding that you don’t want to.   But I have found, in real life….this is not usually the case. Does he want to exclude her?   Are you planning to exclude them both if you do make this decision?   If you do exclude her, what will her mother do?   Are you both ready to potentially lose his entire family?

If you don’t want to go to her wedding and you are willing to live with the consequences, then just don’t go.   But if your husband wants to go, he should.

This entire scenario is about choices.    I try to think about the consequences for each of my actions and if I am willing to live with the outcome.    

 

also was it your husbands mother that was rude, or this girls mother?

Post # 3
Member
7863 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Ugh. I’m sorry, Bee. Some people are just bitches. It’s too bad your FH’s mother bows to it, I’d draw my boundaries now and make it clear that I won’t. She’s not the sister you hoped for. Be civil as needed and that’s all. 

You’ve learned to not share any information with her about anything, ever. You have at least nine months to decide if you will attend her wedding so don’t lose any sleep over that now. You really cannot exclude her from your wedding without causing an enormous family blow-up but there’s nothing wrong with secretly hoping she doesn’t attend. Again, it’s almost a year away. Don’t lose any sleep over it now.

How does your FH feel about all of it? Is his brother apologetic? 

Post # 4
Member
8097 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Wow she sounds awful. Right now, Id have your husband call his mom and brother. Tell her that you guys have no idea how its going to work 2 cross country weddings a week apart. Tell her that you have been nothing but kind, gracious and accomodating to this bridezilla. But other than that, you dont need to have a relationship with her. See them at family events only, be polite but otherwise no need to interact with her. No need to have her on social media. No need to text her or invite her out to do things. 

Post # 5
Member
99 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

She seems like the worst honestly. How ridiculous. 

Post # 6
Member
580 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2021

Wow. It seems pretty obvious to me that she chose the weekend before you in an attempt to sabotage your wedding. What does your fiancé’s brother have to say?? It really seems like your fiancé’s mother has some favoritism going on, otherwise I imagine she would be putting the pressure on them since your plans came first. 

Honestly I would be ready to write off his whole side of the family based on this. Have your wedding, if you get pushback remind everyone you chose your date months before them, and could not have changed it again. If anyone wants to not show up to your wedding because they choose to go to hers, that’s on them and good riddance.

 

I don’t know if I’d be able to invite her tbh. Maybe don’t make any decisions right now. I would also consider declining to attend her wedding because this is absolutely ridiculous. 

Post # 7
Member
2057 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I think in this case there isn’t anything you can do. But there is something your fiancé can do. He can have a conversation with his parents that he fully expects them to treat his wife and his brothers fiancé equally. That it isn’t acceptable for them to push SIL’s agenda or try to get him and his wife to lay flat for her. He basically needs to make it clear that to have a harmonious family situation, his parents can’t take sides. It won’t be tolerated. He doesn’t want to ever hear again about letting SIl get her way just to make things easy. He also needs to make to clear to his parents that this dynamic that SIl is setting up isn’t going to be tolerated either. The two of you are not going to spend your lives in some stupid competition with SIl. And that any attempts by SIl to make things into a competition won’t be tolerated and need to be shut down. Who gets pregnant first will NOT be an acceptable thing for SIl to tantrum about for example. 

Then I’d just tollerate these people. You aren’t friends with SIl. I would block her everywhere possible. I would have you and fiancé agree to severely limit the information about your lives with bil and SIl. That includes understanding his parents might be on limited info too if they can’t stop themselves from passing stuff onto bil and SIl. Basically, you are refusing to compete with them, refusing to play their “game”. 

If you block SIl on all communication and social media then she can’t see what you are up to to try and compete with it. Any family announcements you and your husband have together should be made when something is already done or decided. You can refuse to listen to sil trying to stir up drama over it. 

For example, you and husband get pregnant and you announce it to your parents in law. 1) do not respond to anything from bil and SIl that isn’t a congrats. 2) anyone who tries to come tell you about the crap things SIl said about your announcement such as ( we were going to announce first wahhhh) you tell that person, we have no interest in hearing petty and rude comments SIl makes. Don’t tell us again about her comments. 3) if you announced at a gathering where SIl was there and made a loud rude comment, you address it loudly right in that moment. ” No SIl, my pregnancy isn’t a competition, comments like the one you just made are unacceptable. I don’t want to hear anything but congrats.” 

As for the weddings, just get through it. Once you do you can completely distance yourself from them. If you can alter your date I’d just do it at this point and not tell them right now. I assume they have to put down deposits etc and won’t be able to back out of their date after they book it. So if you can quietly move your date and wait a while to announce the change so SIl can’t move hers again to mess with you, great. 

Post # 8
Member
10328 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I’m sorry but this is stupidly long. You don’t like her. You have valid reasons for not liking her. Cut off all contact with her. Be polite when you see her at family events you both have to be at but otherwise don’t talk to her and tell other people not to talk to you about her. Go about your life as if she doesn’t exist. 

Anyone who has you both in their lives can deal with her drama themselves, it’s not on you to constantly appease her so no one else has to deal with her. Nope, now it’s all on them to deal with her bullshit. If they don’t want to, well they can cut her out too.

Post # 9
Member
9230 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
@elizmcg1489:  I couldn’t read all of it, but I get the gist that she is selfish and you feel you’ve been very accommodating. To answer the question of “What is the right etiquette here that won’t leave me in a position where she will continue to play victim to all of his family” — this isn’t an etiquette question. It’s a family dynamics question. You can’t control her behaviour, you can only control your own. She will continue to play the victim. You have to decide how you will react to that, keeping in mind the consequences of your options. It is perfectly reasonable for your fiance to explain to his brother that due to the timing, you two will be unable to come to their wedding. Are the consequences of that decision more acceptable than the consequences of attending? I would give up any hope or pretense that you will be friends with this woman. My advice is to tolerate them civilly when you have to be around them, and put them completely out of mind the rest of the time. 

Post # 10
Member
5197 posts
Bee Keeper

What a colossal bitch. Shame on that poor, pathetic excuse of a Brother-In-Law you have. I predict a long and miserable divorce for them. 

You all need to stop caving in to her demands. Don’t let her get ready with you, dont pay for her makeup or hair or whatever. She’s trash, just like her mother, remember that.

 

Post # 11
Member
396 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
@elizmcg1489: She needs to grow up and you need to not bow down, she’s not the queen.  So much good advice above, read it and follow it and don’t lose any more sleep over her.  She is ALWAYS going to want more and never be at peace.  Who wants to live like that?  If she acts up at holiday get togethers, stop going, no one has time for that crap.

Post # 12
Member
2025 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

She sounds awful. I would see if your venue will work with you once again to change the date. Other than that, I don’t think there’s really anything you can do. I guess I would recommend just having as little contact as possible.  

Post # 13
Member
633 posts
Busy bee

What a nightmare. Holy S***.  I agree with bees above, however I would have your FIANCE talk to his mother/ FATHER whomever is more down to earth and reasonable,  about their date a week before yours. I would not suggest he NOT  mention you at all and puts the whole thing on himself and the “Families friends and guests” It’s his job now.  I would throw my hands up with the interaction. 

In the future I suggest you stay as far away from her as possible and don’t include her in ANYTHING in the future unless its a damn family gathering and you have to be there. Don’t allow her into your personal life at all. Ever.  She is bound to continue in this unbelievable behavior. 

Unbelievable wow.  

 

Post # 14
Member
3838 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

Put your foot down now. It’s going to make some people in the family uncomfortable but if you don’t she will do this anytime you have something important happening.

To start, stop speaking to her. Just because she’s your SIL doesn’t mean you have to engage with her. When you see her at family events, be polite but that’s it. Just cause everyone else is fine getting walked all over by her doesn’t mean you have to sign up for her nonsense. Don’t ever share any information with her, and I’d be careful sharing info with your Brother-In-Law if he’s just going to run back and tell her.

Keep your wedding date as is. You picked it. The family caving to her tantrum is why there’s an issue, not the date you have. As far as attending her wedding, if you can make it work, go. If you can’t, don’t. If she has a fit, tell her there was just no way to make it work with her scheduling her wedding so close to yours.

Post # 15
Member
247 posts
Helper bee

Quit discussing your plans with her, stop trying to be her friend or sister or whatever, and cut all communication other than what is required at bare minimum. She sounds like a bitch but you’re letting her get to you and play her games. Don’t open yourself up to it. Your fiancé should have a talk with his parents about both weddings and future wives being treated fairly. 

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