- 10 months ago
- Wedding: June 2021
This might be a longer post, but I am at my wits end and need some perspective. These have been incredibly tough times in 2020, and no doubt this whole industry has been turned upside down. However my future SIL has me now feeling like pulling my hair out and I just don’t know what to do or think.
Like so many others, unfortunately this year I was in the position to postpone my wedding due to COVID-19. My original date was set in early June and at the time it was legally impossible to have any sort of gathering. My fiance and I are planners, and fortunately saw the writing on the wall back in March. We decided to postpone our ceremony and reception out a full calendar year to the same weekend in June of 2021. At the time it seemed drastic but as the summer months have progressed we are very happy with our decision as still so much remains unknown. We sent change the date cards and everything, everyone was very understanding. We did end up legally getting married still this year at the courthouse (just the two of us, no family or friends) because of a number of logstical reasons with insurance and visas. Marriage was our first priority over the big to-do of everything, and at the end of the day we didn’t want to wait. We are looking forward to having the ‘wedding we originally planned for’ celebrating with everyone on our one year anniversary renewing our vows.
Now it seems another wrench in our plan has occured. At the same time through out this whole wedding process, I’ve been dealing with what has been turning out to be a nightmare of a situation with my future SIL. My husband’s younger brother and said SIL are also set to be married this year in the fall of 2020. I will start by saying the two of them are perhaps a bit less mature as a couple and have from the outset had a much different and more elaborate vision for their wedding in mind. I’m the kind of girl who is a bit more modest, practical and never ‘dreamed’ about her wedding the way some do. My future SIL is the kind of girl who has had it all picked out, all she needed was the man sort of thing. She is also a notoriously self centered and prone to drama and it’s known among my husbands family to be very srong willed in having her way. I’ve always overlooked that and was excited to have a new sister, build a relationship and have someone to share this special time together with as we enter into this new family together.
We were engaged around the same time, my husband graciously held off proposing to me for two months (despite having the ring beforehand, and I was also abroad for several months which made logistics hard) in order to give theirs space. Knowing what we did about the grandure and complexity of their wedding plans (300 people, big Catholic Church, in a private country club..etc.) we decided to let them first pick the date/season and we would accomodate around them as to again, give space and respect for the two separate events and theirs would require a lot more coordination and planning than ours would likely. She first wanted the entire year of 2020 as ‘her year’ (yes, really), and asked us to pick 2019 or 2021 (oh how I wish I did in hindsight!). When it was clear we also didn’t want to wait that long to be married, she chose her Fall date in Septemeber and I then chose a spring date in June.
When discussions came up regarding color and theme, I wanted to be considerate that our weddings didn’t match too closely as half the guests would be attending both. She informed me she was chosing navy as her color, I steared clear for more of a spring pale pink which fit the theme and venue nicely. I invited her to come with me to help pick out our venue and to a few of the walk thrus with our stylist and that’s when things started getting weird. I got a call from my future Mother-In-Law that my SIL was very upset and all of a sudden wanted to change to the same colors, same linens, everything that I was doing. Confused (this was the first I was even hearing of this and why didn’t she come to me first?) I explained that I had already made plans and placed deposits down for these things, and that navy was something she chose from the outset with a theme very fitting to her country club that I gladly accomodated around. I’d ultimately be fine with “sharing themes and colors” if it really was what she wanted, but I couldn’t help feeling trampled on a bit and hurt that she didn’t come to me first with this. She told me one thing and then now wants to change her mind after seeing what we were doing. My Mother-In-Law begged me to “not start WW3” and let her have what she wanted, and realizing the pettiness of this whole sitaution I oblidged. I reached out my SIL about the confusion, and was met with incredible passive aggression and she told me that it was her mom who wanted pink, she will go with a different color now instead.
The competative behavior began, from dresses to hair you name it. She was always asking what I was doing and sticking her nose in our plans.
I met her parents at a party with my husband’s family. She has had a lot of family issues at home with other family members struggling with substance abuse and addiction. It really is tragic, and I do feel sorry for her for having to go through all of that. It is yet another reason why I felt the need to be so accomodating towards her and put her needs first. My husband has even speculated that he isn’t even sure her parents can afford to throw such an extravagent wedding they have planned but that this is about having a positive moment for her family. All things I felt went well at the party and we had a genuinely great time.
I opened up social media later that week tagged in a horrible converastion between my future SIL and her mother about me at the party. Apparently it was meant to be a private message and instead became a thread on a recent picture. Everything from how ugly our engagement photos were to my personal style…the like. I was shocked, hurt and felt totally blindsided. Never once had I ever said anything negative about this girl and I had just met her parents a week prior. I also couldn’t believe that behavior from a 50 something year old…like something you’d see on a trashy Bravo episode!
That did it for me. I confronted the both of them in a firm and stern email that I didn’t appreciate seeing this and that I was very disappointed by their behavior. It really hurt, and I didn’t understand how or why this all felt like a big competition between her and I and yet I wasn’t even involved in. My husband’s family was also shocked by the mean-girl behavior. I took her parents off of social media, and my husband talked to his brother about how unacceptable it was too. All of us to sit down and talk about how we are not going to be like this to one another moving forward. I let it go.
Things kept getting worse. My bachelorette party that was being planned by my maid of honor was a beach trip with only the bridesmaids and she was apparently upset she wasn’t invited, even though I had nothing to do with the planning and told her that. I wasn’t into the big party scene and wanted something very small with my four best friends from college. As a gesture I decided to pay for her to get ready with us the day-of. She then proceeded to move her bridal shower to the week before mine in April, but then COVID hit and it both were cancelled.
This Spring when my husband and I were making the tough call and going through the heart ache of cancelling – our venue was being difficult and initially not allowing for us to reschedule anything but Friday or Sunday dates in the fall. I told my planner I couldn’t do the dates they were offering left because they were in late September and early October and that was too close to theirs. We didn’t want to put them in that position. We proceeded to pick a 2021 date not sure if we’d get any of our money back and we lost two of our vendors in that process while very much keeping them and the family in mind. As I said before, we eloped this year and eventually we were able to get our money back as the pandemic worsened.
A week after our elopment we get a call from them that they were also considering to postponne their wedding. Of course we were sad to hear it, but it was confusing because as of now the country club could still hold their event but with a reduced number and social distancing measures in place. Which isn’t what she wanted. Then she told me they’re moving their date to the weekend before ours.
I am so devistated, angry and fed up. There have been so many tears over this whole process with them but this was my final straw. I feel like I gave them everything time and time again and for her to be so disrespectful was unbelievable to me. At the time she sounded like she was still considering other options so I begged her to please not do this to us. I explained that back to back weddings is now putting guests in a tough position, I dont even know how we would even pull off travel across the country like that the week prior to ours when we have final walk thrus and family coming in for ours. She still has choices, she could pick another venue or even get married still this year. I also couldn’t believe she waited this long and didn’t have a “Plan B” when the writing was on the wall since May for COVID.
It was met first with radio silence. Then, she ignored my calls for a week while she went to the beach with her friends. Finally when she picked up the phone and screamed at me that I’m being selfish for asking her to compromise anything at her wedding. How dare I suggest she change venues, her wedding is changing now too…etc. She posted on social media that she officially changed the date without even talking to me further.
And now I just dont even know what to do. She isn’t someone I ‘chose’ to be family with but it’s my husband’s brother, and I otherwise like him a lot. I feel like I’ve tried and tried with this girl and she’s made a relationship impossible at this point. I don’t want to go, nor can I go to her wedding – and it’s killing me that she would be so selfish. In a way I see now what everyone else has well before me, but I’m getting the familiar pressure from my Mother-In-Law and his side of the family to “suck it up and let her have what she wants” again. She’s holding tight to the position that “This is her only option and it’s COVID so we all have to be accomodating.” or, “at the end of the day it’s family first” but I feel that this went too far. She didn’t even consider me or other family at all in this. It’s a punch in the gut.
Am I wrong for this? Does anyone have any advice? I don’t want to be unreasonable and know these times are indeed crazy, but I’m so heartbroken on so many levels. At this point I want to uninvite her from my wedding now too. And not go to hers. What is the right etiquette here that won’t leave me in a position where she will continue to play victim to all of his family, and I will keep getting the short end of the stick?