Post # 1
Well, I have been emotionally exiled again.
“Not as bad” as last time, because he came to bed. But didn’t kiss me good night. Wouldn’t hold me, told me to get off him when I tried to hold him/touch him.
Why? What happened? Some big fight over something stupid…in the end, he blamed me for causing it to escalate, although he also lost his temper…and the end result was that he told me his head’s telling him to “get the F out of this relationship” and his heart is telling him to “have faith” and marry me.
I’m meeting with a counselor on my own in 2 days, to help ME deal with/talk through what is going on right now. Not because I think I’m the only one with issues–he is good and angry, particularly (I believe) at women.
I wanted to marry him, but I cannot be treated like this for the rest of my life. I don’t know what’s going to happen.
For the record—I am a catch, dammit. Before I met Fiance, I literally had guys lined up–GOOD guys, decent, kindhearted guys–to spend time with me. So many I couldn’t keep track. I’m attractive and smart and funny and loving. Maybe I thought all those character traits were enough to teach this man to love–this 36-year-old 5’4″ hairy, chubby guy who can’t stand his emotionally blackmailing/hoarding mother or alcoholic father, who has never had a serious girlfriend or been in love, and who lived 4 “bitter years” because no girl was ever interested in him. I really think he is just self-righteously in love with himself and has no room in his hardened heart to really love another person.
Because he does THIS to with the first girl who actually loves him.
It makes no sense. Does this need to be on another board?
I feel like I’ve wasted the past 2 years of my life.
Post # 3
Girlfriend, after this post …. I can say that I would be out finding strapping young lads to sweep me off my feet if i were you!
Post # 4
Too bad I really don’t want to give up, wanted the happy times we’ve had, and really do love him. And too bad the reality is that this is going to take a loooonnng time to get over, and I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do with myself after this. I don’t have a Plan B. Yet.
Post # 5
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this mess again, so soon after “resolving” the last one. Maybe you should think about moving out for awhile, to give each other some breathing room, and to let you decide what you feel is an acceptable way to be treated, and what isn’t. There’s nothing wrong with thinking long and hard about issues that are non-negotiable before making a life long commitment. We all have your back and are here to support you. Hugs.
Post # 6
@ joygirl- sending you hugs. I don’t think you should be dealing with this. I’ve kept up with your posts and it seems as though you’re begging him to love you. You seem like a sweet person who in no way deserves to be treated so poorly. If this is how he is treating you now what’s it going to be like after you’re married? Maybe this is your time to reflect on that because things will be much more complicated to get out of once you’re married. I know it’s been two years and you don’t want to let that go. That’s a tough thing to do but, most importantly here is your well-being and happiness.
Post # 7
You have not wasted 2 years of your life, you have learned a lesson…be thankful you are figuring this out NOW. I’m glad you are going to counseling, even if it’s on your own. Putting a ring on his finger will not change anything about him; you need to iron out all the wrinkles out BEFORE you get married- it’s much harder after the fact.
Please don’t look at it as wasting your time!!
Post # 8
I echo what’s been said before. I just wanted to send you extra hugs.
ETA: I especially echo what was just said…this has NOT been a waste of your time! If after the careful soul searching and thought you’re obviously putting into this you decide to end the relationship, it will be because it’s broken. And that’s not to say that he isn’t a good guy. I’m sure he is, you just may not be good together. I echo what another poster said, that you seem to be begging him to love you and as you so (thankfully!) mentioned, YOU’RE AWESOME. You shouldn’t have to.
Post # 9
So I’ve been reading thru some of your other postings & I highly suggest pre-maritial counseling. I’m really glad you’re going to a counselor soon, even if it is on your own. Is the person a family or marriage counselor? That’d probly be your best option.
He says you are his #1 priority, so I would think if you say premaritial counseling is important to you, he’d be willing to go. I know it sounds kinda wierd to him, but its preparing you for times like this, when he gets mad & shuts you out of his life. When you’re married, you CAN’T do that to each other or you’ll both be really unhappy. I’m really sorry you’re goin thru this :(.
You say that you’re happy when things are good… but when things are bad he really treats you horribly. No matter what you did, it doesn’t give him the right to treat you like that, IMO. When you’re close to someone, you see them at their best & at their worst, but the worst isn’t gonna just “dissappear” once you get married. You’re accepting him as a whole, not just parts of his personality… I’m sure you know that… but consider this, if he treated you like this every time he was unhappy, would you want to live with him forever? I’m not trying to discourage you! To me, it sounds like there’s stuff that needs to be worked out before you guys get married. I hope he goes with you & that you’re doing ok with all this.
Post # 10
while marriage and relationships are hard work, LOVING someone shouldnt be. It seems like you are way more invested in this that he is.
good you are going to counselling, but realize that no matter what, the past few years are only a waste of time if you learn nothing from it. so no matter what you decide to do, realize that people change but often in ways you dont want them to, so if you are waiting for him to be someone he no longer is, you might be waiting a long time….
much love to you and i sincerely hope you find happiness!!!
Post # 11
Aww sweetie I cant even imagine how you are feeling right now. I cant offer any other advice than the ladies before me but I can offer an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on if need be. I can say I think its great your getting counseling.. a professional outside view that can tell you how they feel. Feel free to PM me anytime if you need to vent and dont feel like publicly doing it.. I had a similar situation with my ex of 4 years..
Post # 12
Also, I echo what the others said before me, you did NOT waste 2 years!! You will have learned SOOO much about yourself & what qualities/traits to look for in others (& which to avoid).
You did NOT waste those years, you poured your heart into something you thought was good but are finding its not the best. Nothing you do is a waste; you’re learning & growing from it to find the BEST for you.
Post # 13
I’m so sorry this is happening. Good for you for going to counseling and taking care of yourself.
I had two long term relationships before meeting my Fiance – one of them was an engagement too. Ending both was hard, because of the good times, because of time spent. I would say it took me atleast 6 months in each relationship of knowing deep inside that it was over and being unable to let go before I was ready to go through with the breakups. It was agonizing and I kept looking for ways that I could make it better because he was great. Because we were great. Because there were still moments that were awesome. Whatever the reason of the day was that made me not want to give in. But finally, I did. And it was hard. And oh so freeing. And it sucked. And it was the best thing ever.
But just know that you can love and learn and move on and find something and someone so amazing it will blow your mind every.single.day.
Learn from this, either to be better for yourself and each other in this relationship, or the next one. Whatever you decide to do, we are all here for you.
Post # 14
*hugs* I’ve been reading your posts over time (even if i’ve not always had anything to add to the conversations) and I am sorry you’ve been going through this! It sounds like he’s already left the relationship emotionally and he’s well on his way to physically leaving as well. I’d start packing, searching for alternative housing arrangements, and working on your Plan B. Feel free to lean on the hive! That’s part of what we’re here for!
As for “wasting” 2 years- you certainly did not! I was once in a relationship where I loved the man and felt he was “the one.” Well, he left me for the woman he’d been having an affair with before he met me (she’d been married 10 years and had a child!). I thought I’d wasted the nearly 2 years I’d been with him. That his love was a sham and I was the fool for believing it ever existed. But you know what? I learned SO much about myself, about other people, and most importantly, about what NOT to put up with in relationships. It taught me to speak up for myself and where I stood in relationships. It taught me that just because HE didn’t want me, didn’t mean that there wasn’t a line of people waiting to meet me and fall in love with me. I learned so much about myself, without which I never would have become the woman my Fiance met, fell in love with, and wants to marry. I wouldn’t call your 2 years wasted- I’d call them an investment in your personal character development. From a Jewish perspective (since that’s a class I had this morning!) I would say this is what builds a strong person- adversity, hurdles, stumbles, and hard lessons learned (if you’re interested, that’s from Ethics of Our Fathers- Who is Strong?).
Whatever happens, good luck! *hugs*
Post # 15
Bottom line: I deserve to be with someone who can’t bear to see me hurt, not someone who can’t care when he sees me hurt. And I think I’m figuring out which of those two I’ve been engaged to.
Post # 16
🙁 Wishing you lots of luck in however you feel is the best way to move forward. I think know you deserve to be happy and treated well and if you’re not feeling that way for a prolonged period of time as a direct result of his behavior—maybe you have a lot of reconsidering to do. No matter what–you sound super strong and that’s commendable.