(Closed) Miserable–this goes out to those who want to feel good about THEIR relationship

posted 10 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
3041 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I absolutely 100% agree with you, you DO deserve to be treated well!! I’m glad you’re being so strong in this! Anyone who treats you badly doesn’t deserve you. Feel free to PM me if you want/need to vent/talk, I can be a good listener.

Post # 18
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I know how hard it is to feel like you wasted two years in a dead end relationship.  But to paraphrase Dr. Phil, “The only thing worse than wasting two years is wasting two years and a day” on a guy who doesn’t appreciate you, love you or treat you with respect.  I’ve been there, and I am profoundly grateful that I went through the temporary pain of being alone and ending an engagement so that I could find a wonderful husband who appreciates me.

Post # 20
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

joygirl,

after reading several of your posts, I just want you to hear this…

I understanding wanting to make it work. I do. Because I wanted to make things work with my ex. It was peaks and valleys all along the ride – but the thing was the the peaks never lasted, and the valleys kept getting deeper, because he got comfortable treating me like crap.

But I kept saying that I was committed and that if we were married I couldn’t just walk away, so since I was planning to marry this man, didn’t he deserve that much commitment?

We struggled to make it work for the majority of the 3 1/2 years we were together (most of that time we talked marriage, but I was in college the first 3 years so the plan was always to wait until I graduated, and by then things were too rocky to seriously consider rushing into marriage – although I was living with him).

The thing is that as long as you’re there with him, in my experience, the harder it is to leave. Being wrapped up in him and in your relationship will never give you enough distance to see things clearly.

No one but you and your fiance can decide where your relationship will ultimately go, or whether it will end, but I do think space and time can help you think very clearly about it. Take some time away from him. More than just a weekend – prolonged time. It can help, even though it hurts to walk away.

It helps give you a clear perspective, but it also makes your fiance remember why he wants you around.

Post # 21
Member
3538 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

*sits with plane tickets in hand..* take the tickets and run! girl get outta there… hard, but doable. Sometimes its better to walk away.

My reasoning in life is that people are in your life for certain periods, either to be there for the good or bad, to make you laugh or cry.. to teach you certain things, or just to be there for that moment.. forever or 5 minutes. Its hard to let go, but remember, its not too hard to follow the light at the end of tunnel either!

Post # 22
Member
946 posts
Busy bee

Have you read The Five Love Languages?  I think that it would really help you and your fiance. It could be that you and your Fiance just have different ways of speaking the language of love.  I just finished it last night.  I’m not yet engaged, but my boyfriend and I are reading it because we’ve heard so many good things about it and really want to give our relationship everything we’ve got!

Post # 23
Member
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I pretty much echo everyone else. First things first though and that’s that saying “i do” isn’t going to make him change and as many women will tell you after marrying it’s that a person will change after “it’s forever”. So if he’s treating you less then you deserve to be treated now, I can only imagine how it’s going to be in the future after the wedding. My fiance and I made a deal with each other years ago that we would never leave each other, go to bed, or hang up a phone while mad: End each day with “I Love You”.

No relationship is perfect, but the fact that something “stupid” (your words) escalted into something huge worries me. I had friends who were lovely people apart, but they were just absolutely so toxic for each other. The fought all the time over the most ridiculous things. They were together 2yrs before they broke up and to be honest because of their toxic realtionship with each other they became toxic towards their friends. When this girl and guy started dating I was best friends with her, when it ended we were aquaintances, though we’re now 2yrs AFTER they  broke up finally getting into a  friendship sort of place again. I’m so happy that you are recognizeing that you two have problems and that you’re seeking counseling.

He is carrying baggage from his past though and frankly you can’t move forward until he unloads it and forgives. My fiance had huge issues with the people who gave birth to him, the sperm donor was a dead beat who was never around, the woman who gave life to him got involved with a very bad guy who did drugs rapped his sister and beat the crap out of him. He was in serious relationships before that didn’t work out because the girl slept with someone else, while on a date with him I might add. So really he had a lot going on. I finally told him that “we can’t move foward until you get out of the past”. And after many months of sorting himself out he was able too. He forgave his mom. He stopped thinking about his sperm donor, he stopped hating his mom’s husband (though still leary of the guy for obvious reasons- but that guy is so guilty that when my fiance and i or his sister go to visit he’s not around). Your fiance also needs to drop his baggage and forgive, it’s a hefty load, that’s for dang sure. He can’t let his anger control all of his life and as long as your together consequently control yours too.

Best of luck

Post # 24
Member
14181 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Don’t settle. Maybe your SO needs some time alone to get his own life straight. Because right now I don’t think he is being a very good significant other and I think he’s being selfish by not acting as part of a team. EVERYBODY has their own baggage…but if you can’t realize that and take care of it, it will poison your life if you wallow in it 24/7 instead of dealing with it.

Don’t spend forever lamenting over the happy times you had in the beginning. Sometimes those are just pipe dreams we never get back. People change, grow up, their personalities adjust. And sometimes, that happiness is just puppy love and then reality hits. We all went through that phase of bliss but a long term relationship isn’t like that 24/7. You have to take the bad with the good.

I’m of the belief that if somebody doesn’t care when they hurt you, that person isn’t worth my time and effort. It’s just simply cold-hearted. You can’t teach someone to love. You said, “I really think he is just self-righteously in love with himself and has no room in his hardened heart to really love another person.”….i can’t help but wonder why you’re with him. That’s a really big statement to say about someone you’re ina  relationship with. Enough that if I ever felt that way about a man, I’d walk away.You don’t have to put up with his immature, emotionally exiling ridiculous behavior just because you put 2 years in. It’s never ok to treat someone like that. Heck, when a dog misbehaves, you treat a dog like that for 30 minutes to teach him a lesson. Not somebody you supposedly love.

Post # 25
Member
1288 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Indiana Memorial Union

I was in a two year relationship with someone who just couldn’t love and respect me. I desperately wanted him to, but he said and did many things that just proved he didn’t. We broke up, which wasn’t what I wanted, and the transition was tough for several months. But then I met my fiance and getting over the past relationship was suddenyl so easy – here was a person who loved me, wanted to be around me, wanted to know me.

You deserve to have someone who is happy to see you every day and doesn’t make you “earn” his love and respect. You have to look after your own happiness too.

Post # 26
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

  • am so sorry this is happening again.i do think that it is good u r going to counselling regardless of the outcome.but what i do think is that we all kn that all the things we use to tolerate befor marriage can become exagerated once u say i do,for the mere fact that u feel there is no out.am not saying he  isnt the one, he may just not be mentally ready  for what marriage will entail ,and how to keep u guys close even while u fight.he may be the one for u but just need time to get there.its a matter for u if u r willing to wait and a matter for him if he decides to get the help for his issue.hope u guys see the light at the end of this emotiomal tunnel.

Post # 27
Member
3997 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Hunny you’ve been going through too much with this man.  You deserve better.  You can find better, just let yourself.  I wish you the best.

Post # 28
Member
2702 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

(((HUGSSSS)))

i know there isn’t anything any of us could say or do that would really make any of this “better…” but i agree with the other bees… even though the future may look dark or feel like you don’t have any other option… you need to look forward and for the change at REAL happiness, not the one where  you have look back in time and say “what happened to those good times”…

keep your pretty head up, and stay strong… good for you for seeing someone during this rough time…

 

Post # 29
Member
5262 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

Ditto spaganya 100% – relationships take work, but he shouldn’t have you in this position. He’s being emotionally manipulative and abusive. Kudos for deciding to see a counselor, I think that will help you a lot. I really think that you need to assess his behavior and whether this is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. 

One of the reasons I knew R was a keeper: when we were in our senior year of high school, we went through a rough patch and contemplated breaking up. We had a few knock-down, drag-out screaming matches. In a couple of them, he stormed off and slammed the door to go for a run, etc, in the middle of the fight. 

That was just something I didn’t want to have to deal with. Going to bed angry over little tiffs is one thing, but I didn’t want to ever sit and hope he’d come back, or wonder why he wouldn’t talk something out. So I basically said to him that if we were going to last, we had to learn how to fight in a way which suited us both. Now if we fight, which isn’t all that often, we’re much more civil and if one of us needs time to cool off, we reach an okay stopping point and leave on somewhat good terms. You deserve someone who will change their habits for you that same way. 

Post # 30
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Sorry you are going through this. You deserve to be loved. Relationship take work sometimes but love should come naturally. Some people never change even if you try really hard to help them. Really deep issues take years to deal with and you can’t do it for him. The decision is yours in the end but if I was in that situation I would leave him. You didn’t waste 2 years you’ve learned. My grandma said to me once : ” Life brings to us the difficulties we can face” and I try to think about it everytime I feel like I can’t take it anymore. Best of luck!

Post # 31
Member
7776 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I 100% agree with the other ladies. Did you ever stop to realize that what he is doing is abuse? He is emotionally and mentally abusive to you. I’m sure you realize that this is an extremely unhealthy relationship.

Like some of the other ladies said, I understand wanting to make it work. I understand that you 2 have had good times together. But from what it sounds like, the good times are past. You need to take care of YOU. His issues are bigger than what you can help him with. He needs to go get counseling and deal with it on his own. You do not deserve to be treated this way.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship a few years ago. He did the exact things that you are describing. He blew up over small things and then blamed every fight on me. He shut me out physically and emotionally. He treated me like garbage. I almost feel like you are describing me when you were writing the OP. It was a very, very similar situation. We were together for 3 years before I realized that I needed to get out and take care of myself, that I deserved so much better than how he was treating me.

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