Miserable–this goes out to those who want to feel good about THEIR relationship

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I dont really have any advice other than repeating what everyone else said, but just letting you know we are all listening and here for you! let us know what you decide. I know its hard, but this is your life and your future.

Post # 33
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m SOOO glad MrsJellyBean pointed out that your Fiance has a lot of emotional baggage that HE needs to get past himself. He comes from an unsteady family and has issues because of it. Right now you both should be looking towards the future not focusing on whats in the past. MY Fiance had a rough childhood himself and it wasn’t until he finally closed that chapter on his life and accepted it that he was able to move forward. The anger went away and he started loving and opening his heart.

I encourage you to seek counseling but beware that he might get defensive with thought. He has to work on his past when HE is ready as well. Don’t push him too hard.

I’m so sorry you have to put up with this but trust me it will make you so much stronger. You will walk away from this experience stronger and happier in the end no matter what. Don’t give up just yet but don’t get married until this issue has been resolved.

We are all here for you as always. Chin up girl!Smile

Post # 34
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

You haven’t wasted the last 2 years, because you have been learning in those years. But now that you’ve learned this lesson, you would be wasting your time to stay—not to mention hurting your heart—because as you said, you can’t change him, and I don’t think you want to wait around banking on him changing.

We are all here for you—you are strong enough to get out this. Don’t settle for one iota less than you deserve, which is a heck of a lot better than this.

Post # 35
Member
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I mean this with no disrespect as I know how this feels….but you’re fitting a square peg into a round hole.  The years are not “wasted”…you have learned what you want and what you don’t.  Nothing is wasted if you walk away having learned something.  I know its easier said than done (Oh, I know!) but this sounds like a trend.  Plus this will only get harder as time goes on. 

Cut your loses and line up those prospects again!  It sounds like you have a great heart and had some great guys – you CAN do it again 🙂  Lots of hugs!

Post # 36
Member
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@joygirl:  I can completely understand where you’re coming from with not wanting to give up, or holding onto the good times.. I was in a four year relationship with my high school sweetheart and I really wanted to marry him.. I thought that I would be the one that he changed for, that if he loved me, then he would turn into that romantic guy who could commit fully to one woman.. The longer I was with him, though, the more I saw that it doesn’t work that way.. We had so many good times, I have a lot of fond memories when I think back on our time together.. And it was hard, really hard, to remind myself of why I left him in the first place.. I won’t get into the details, but a lot of things that were happening in my relationship were dealbreakers for me, and I finally realized that I didn’t want to be treated that way for the rest of my life.. Yes, he could be sweet, and act caring, and tell me he’d change, but things would always go back to the way they were.. Sometimes the right thing to do isn’t to stick it out and deal with everything he is doing to hurt you, but rather the right thing is to see that you deserve so much better, and I think you’re on the right track with that.. You realize that you’re attractive, and smart and funny and have a lot of love to give, and just keep telling yourself that the kind of person that deserves the best from you is someone who will give you their best as well.. And don’t worry about a plan B.. Sometimes the greatest things in life happen when you don’t have a plan, I’ve definitely come to learn that.. Just remember, sometimes it’s not giving up, it’s giving yourself a chance to find better, because you deserve it..

I like daydreamwanderers description about the peaks and valleys, because that’s exactly what it is.. Every relationship has them, but if the valleys are lower than the peaks are high, then it’s not a healthy relationship..  And you haven’t wasted the last two years.. I don’t feel like I wasted the four years I had with my ex.. It was a learning experience and I did take away some good memories, and I grew up in a lot of ways, and that’s the way you should view it.. It’s never a waste..

Post # 37
Member
1565 posts
Bumble bee

I gave your Fiance the benefit of the doubt after your earlier posts – if you remember, I thought that it was similar to a situation I had gone through with mine. However, the more I’ve read of your posts, the more red flags I’ve seen. I’m honestly scared for you right now, and I hope you act on the great advice you are getting from everyone here. You deserve better. The very fact that this is happening again so soon after the last fight/taking-a-break-period is disturbing.

He says that his head tells him not to marry you; it sounds like yours is telling you the same thing. Why don’t you act on these thoughts? You haven’t “wasted” the last two years, but I would say you’re wasting time NOW, and you will certainly be wasting time if you proceed with this marriage as planned. Your happiness is out there waiting for you to find it. Hugs and best of luck! 

Post # 38
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Maybe he wants (on some level) for you to break up with him.  That way he’s not the “bad guy” and he can continue his internal women-are-bad-I’m-a-bitter-dude narrative.  I can’t even imagine how much it would hurt if my Fiance told me “his head is saying not to marry me.”  OMG.  It seems like he’s asking to be dumped, with the repeated freeze-outs and saying stuff like that.  That he just tries to gloss over it the next day is so weird and dysfunctional.

It will be interesting to hear what a therapist has to say about the situation…

Post # 39
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

It seems like he’s really walking all over you. You shouldn’t feel like you have to win him back. He should want you no matter what. It’s not right for him to keep threatening that he’s going to leave or as he says “get the F outta this relationship.” I say if he wants to leave let him leave. I know how hard it can be. I went through this with my Fiance @ about the 2 year mark. I’m going to try and share my story with you and hope it kinda helps.

I was like you. I had loved others before my Fiance. However; HE never did. I was his first everything. I think coming into our relationship once the “head over heels” love was gone & we got to the real relationship he started questioning things. He didn’t realize that fights were a part of a relationship. I think He thougth everything would be picture perfect forever. Honestly he was so resentful to me that he just distanced himself from me. I tried for a little while to do what you are. I tried to be sweat and do anything he wanted. But in the end; all I was doing was Smothering him. He wanted space and time to think & (luckily we didn’t live together) he broke it off. I was crushed and didn’t know what to do. He never treated me or rashed out towards me; but he did get very frustrated with me beggin him to stay. One day on the phone I said “Okay so this means that we’re over; that your going to date other people.” he said “yes; eventually I will.”  So I got over it. I moved on. I cut off contact with him after we would fight on the phone about how I needed him and he didn’t want me. Once I quit calling and chasing him; he started to come around. He started to talk to other guys who are in relationships. He realized that no love is going to be perfect. He realized that we will fight; but it’s about how we get through it that matters. He realized the qualities he loved about me and that he didn’t want his life without me. He called me and told me that he knew he really screwed up and he hoped I would give him a second chance. It took me a while; but I eventually did. We started over; we got to know one another again and enjoyed each others company. We realized how much we needed one another. We have now been together for 6 years. We were engaged right after our 5 years. I guess to make my long story short; if it’s meant to be it will be. Maybe what you need to do is give him space (move out for a while) let him think about things and give him a chance to miss you or be happy without you. As much as you love somebody; you don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want you in their life. I think the 2 year mark is hard. It’s when your relationship REALLY gets tested. It’s the point in time when you have to decide if you CAN or CAN’T live with the other person through good & bad.I hope that this is just a bump in the road for you guys like it was for me and my Fiance. If not; I think that you’ll be much  happier and healthier in a relationship where you don’t have to try so hard. I hope this helps a little & best of luck to you!!

Post # 40
Member
870 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

To prettyflowers point: I’ve had several guy friends tell me that they don’t like breaking up with girls–instead they’ll just act like a jerk and wait for her to break up with them. (And yes…these were guys that I had previously thought were mature and normal)

Given that he does seem to have a complex about girls not loving him, I wonder if he’s trying to self-fulfill that prophecy.

Post # 41
Member
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

how are you doing? any updates?

Post # 42
Member
946 posts
Busy bee

Echoing undeniables question.  I think about you often and hope you are doing well. 

Post # 43
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

Joygirl – have been thinking about you, let us know how you are doing!

Post # 44
Member
2702 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

i was wondering the same thing, i hope she’s doing okay…

Post # 46
Member
5385 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

It’s good that he talked to your Dad. Maybe he can keep talking to him as ya’ll try to work through this. Best of luck to you.

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