(Closed) Mismatched sex drives

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
2959 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

So Darling Husband just experienced the joys of sex. Well it is perfectly natural for him to want it all the time! He is in his physical prime and you will not hit yours until you are in your 30s! When there is a marked difference in sex drives, it is the responsibility of the person with the higher sex drive to learn the fine art of pleasuring themself.

Post # 4
951 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Birth control can kill your sex drive. I’d look into switching to a different pill, or cutting out hormonal birth control altogether. I’m on the hormone-free IUD and I don’t even have to think about it ever except every ten years.

Perhaps your husband shouldn’t expect you to just put out whenever he’s ready to go. He needs to seduce you and get you in the mood and make you want it. Sometimes men forget that.


Post # 5
2527 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

We are also Christian and didn’t have sex until we were married. I was on the pill – first cerazette and then micronor but have decided to come off hormonal contraception entirely and use condoms and NFP because it was also completely dropping my sex drive. 

Hope it all works out for you. 

Post # 6
560 posts
Busy bee

@Tigerlilybride:  It could be your medication- I would look to changing it first.

BUT people just have different sex drives. It is normal for people to not have as high of a sex drive.

I have a HUGE sex drive that has made me feel unwanted/not sexy in past relationships. I didn’t understand why people didn’t want to have sex with me as often as I wanted to have sex with them.

I would just be worried that your husband might begin to feel neglected, so if you do not want to have sex, make sure you show him you care/find him attractive in other ways.

My SO got divorced and one of the reasons was because her sex drive was so low. He felt very unloved (they had sex maybe 3 times a year and were in their late 20s) and was questioning himself because he found himself mastrubating to porn a lot.

It may also be a phase…I would say that SO and I had sex everyday for the first 5-6 months…now we do it about 5 days a week, which is perfect for us. I feel attractive and he hasn’t touched porn (or himself-haha) since we met. You just need to find what works for you.


Post # 7
543 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Tigerlilybride:  This is normal. It’s important that you keep talking about it without arguing.

I also think that as women, it just takes a lot more for us to feel like having sex than it does for men. It will be important for your husband to know what helps you feel good, the art of seduction – for me, I like being massaged, being told I’m beautiful, and not feeling pressured. I’m happy to be intimate with my husband without intercourse (hand jobs, blow jobs, watching him masturbate) and this helps a lot when I’m just not 100% into having sex, though I realize some women aren’t comfortable with this.

And it’s also helpful to figure out if you are actually enjoying sex right now, or if there are things that you need to change up (like having it at different times during the day, in different positions, or including toys) or learn about yourself to make it better (can you orgasm?). If you’re not enjoying sex, then it’s natural to not want to have it often.

Post # 8
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I would see about your birth control, I stopped taking mine because of that very reason. My SO wants sex all the time too, we’ve been together about a year and I honestly think he wants it more now!

I wished I could but I wasn’t in the mood as often as he was. Now I’m off it, it’s a LOT higher. Unfortunately my boobs also got smaller and went down about a cup size 🙁

But still, I can’t complain about more sex 🙂

Post # 9
507 posts
Busy bee

Switching BC may help! I am on none…and have really significant side effects from them. We use the femcap and barrier methods which suit us. Dan Savage talks about mismatched sex drives but that is his opinion and just that. I really think that it is workable if he just takes care of himelf.

Post # 10
2863 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Also sometimes you have to fake it till you make it. 

Post # 11
22 posts
  • Wedding: November 2018

I don’t recommend the depo shot because that really lowers your sex drive more. My roommate used it for a year and her sex drive all but disappeared. Also I never recommend faking it, that can hurt DH’s pride of he were to find out. Also it certainly doesn’t help you later on if you do actually want to have pleasant sex later on.

I can relate to this too because while I am the sex crazed one, SO has a sex drive struggling to survive. The best thing to do is to talk about it with him, ask him to be sympathetic anun understanding and you bota will be able to work something out. Darling Husband can learn to please himself, or you can try pleasuring him in other ways than intercourse. wish you luck.

Post # 12
2863 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I didn’t mean fake orgasam, I thought that was clear. What I meant was not everyone feels like doing it all the time. It’s okay to say no! But sometimes even when you want to say no, say yes. A lot of times you will find yourself enjoying it and like ” We should do this more often!” It’s has to be a give and take, not a ” I don’t feel like it so go masterbate.” Or him ” just give it to me.” 

Post # 13
604 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@Tigerlilybride:  Birth control pills are notorious for causing low sex drive however Depo-Provera completely killed mine.  It also caused me to experience depression and weight gain.  It can also cause a loss of bone mineral density which can lead to osteoporosis.  I’d skip the Depo-Shot if I were you.

Post # 14
12246 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

It will eventually get old! He will eventually calm down.

In the meantime, blowjobs are your best friend (if your religion finds those acceptable).

Post # 15
885 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

@Tigerlilybride:  I think one needs to compromise every now and then, and even if you are not in the mood, you should go for it every now and then.  I find that even when I am not in the mood, I end up really enjoying it.  Just my two cents.  

Post # 16
1621 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I agree with PPs that you should look into changing your pill.  That can definitely have a positive effect.

I think that when there are mismatched sex drives, *both* parties need to make an effort to meet in the middle, ie. some PPs have mentioned him learning to take care of himself, and yes, that’s true….but also you need to strive to stretch yourself too.  It’s a fine balance between not doing it “just because you have to” and being willing to try even when you don’t really feel like it.

I’m the lower drive half of our relationship too, and we both wish I had a higher drive.  I guess what I’ve found is that while I may not feel like it as often as he does, I also very rarely feel like NOT having sex.  Does that make sense? ie. I’m often neutral….but neutral is fine if he initiates I’m happy to go along with it. (his problem, though, is that he wants to feel wanted by me initiating more).

I’m rambling now, but I guess what I’m trying to say is:

1. if you feel like it, show him by iniating and that will make him feel wanted and loved

2. if you feel neutral but he makes some moves, try to be willing to go along and see where it leads, often you’ll be glad you did

3. if you don’t feel like it, be sensitive but honest and figure out a compromise 

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