(Closed) Mismatched timelines.

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
9888 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Ok, so when he said that what did you answer? 

If that’s too long for you tell him – “Babe, that is not going to work for me.  We need to compromise.” 

Post # 4
Member
3624 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

That’s tough, but I agree with @Sunfire  . You definitely need to compromise. Maybe tell him that you want to be married by x age, and ask if there’s anyway you can meet in the middle.

Post # 5
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Wait…how old are you? If a master’s degree is 6 years out, that must mean you haven’t even started college yet. Is that the case? Because I think that waiting would be a really smart/healthy thing to do if that is the situation.

Of course, it is your relationship too, so you have some say in the timing as well. I think a compromise would be good. This is an excellent opportunity to practice your communication skills and make sure the two of you can work towards a big life goal together.

Post # 7
Member
9888 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@NerdCampLove:   Well, you’re very young so no need to rush.  Education and getting a career established are very important.

You don’t have to let him be the sole decision-maker in the process to getting married, though.  When the time is right bring it up in a non-threatening, conversational way and see if he’ll agree to at least being engaged and starting on wedding planning a little sooner. 

Good luck, I hope all goes well for you!

Post # 8
Member
486 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I don’t think you need to rush it. It may be longer than you wanted, but maybe like the other poster said you can compromise in getting engaged and getting started on planning but not get married until after your masters. Fiance gave me a within the next year timeline about 5 months ago, but he had already proposed after 2 years and I wasn’t ready (I wanted to be done with my BA). Even with that timeline we talked it over and decided to get married, I didn’t want a second proposal. We have been together 4.5 years and I’m 24. 

Post # 9
Member
1075 posts
Bumble bee

My SO and I went through something similar. Luckily when we actually sat down and plotted out our timelines he realised that his timeline didn’t really match our goals. I would talk to him about it. Maybe he would be comfortable with a long engagement? Either way finding some middle ground is important, especially if he’s expecting you to move with him.

 

Post # 10
Member
40 posts
Newbee

Are you going into fields where a Master’s is necessary for employment? I have known a few couples who took a year off between undergrad and grad school to get married. 

 

 

Post # 12
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee

I know how you feel and am in kind of a similar situation. I’ll be a senior in college next year and my SO just graduated and is getting his Ph.D. We recently passed our 6th anniversary, shortly after which I asked him about it. We decided to move in together and I was kind of like, “if we’re committed, living together, planning on doing this eventually, then why haven’t you proposed yet?” I get all worked up about it hoping for a ring every Christmas, Valentines Day, Anniversary, and Birthday, and it hasn’t happened.

He says he wants to have the money for a nice ring (even though when I pointed out a six-hundred dollar ring a few years ago as something possibly inexpensive as an engagement ring he was SHOCKED at the price) and a nice wedding, and wants to see how much money he can save in the coming year. So then he says the proposal will be either in the coming year (which would be fantastic imo) or when we both get our Ph.Ds, which will be at least 5 years if things go really, really well. So yeah, for me, it could be around our 11th anniversary. Hopefully that’s the worst case scenario.

I am displeased with this possibility, though I know where it’s coming from.

Guys seem to have this “what’s the rush?” philosophy, while girls have the opposite “why wait?” philosophy.

He sees a high-cost wedding, while I see tax benefits for married couples still in school.

He sees marriage as being a distraction from his schoolwork, while I worry about a name change after my doctoral work causing problems for my professional success. (I very much want to take his name, and he wants me to, but I don’t think he’s considered the difficulty this could cause me).

He sees moving in together as a part of growing up, while I have always thought it would happen when we got married, and not much earlier.

He thinks that everyone will want us to start having kids right away once we get married, while I know my parents didn’t have me until five years into marriage (though I admit he might be right for everyone besides my parents and our unmarried friends).

I’m not certain that Mr. Bee’s plan will work if he already has this definitive notion of the right time to get married, so you might want to think about the definitive reasons you want to get married, and think about how you could financially make it work. Share these things with him, let him know the reasons why your timeline is shorter than his, and do it nicely rather than naggingly. After this conversation and making it clear that you would really like a much shorter timeline, then immediately implement Mr. Bee’s plan.

After three years if things have been going really well and you don’t have the mindset that you must be married before doing something else that you want soon (moving in together, having babies, buying a house, etc), then maybe you can find a way to deal with waiting, but that’s all up to you to work out.

I’ve decided that while I want to get married sooner, I could deal with unwedded cohabitational bliss for a few years more. Although I am not going to budge on only having kids after getting married (although I don’t think that will be an issue for him).

Hugs, hope everything works out for you!

Post # 13
Member
486 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I think like a few other people that maybe he just hasn’t thought his timeline through. On a few occasions my Boyfriend or Best Friend told me he wants to be married by the time he’s 28ish (he’s 25 now), and then he said he wants to get the process going in 2-3 years. Once he realizes the inconsistency his timline started to shift in a more realistic, me-friendly way lol

I think a part of the compromise could also be to approach this subject every year. So if you’re a junior now, talk about it after your senior year (and the year after that, and the one after that). You may both be surprised at how your minds change about various things. You might realize waiting isn’t such a bad thing, and he might realize he doesn’t want to wait as long as he originally thought. I think most girls want their guy to come to the realization that they can’t live without you. If that takes him a little bit of time, then I think you should take it and not pressure him, otherwise he might not mean the proposal if it comes 5 years early out of nowhere. But like I said, have this conversation every once in a while just to check in with both of your timelines and see if they shifted. 

Post # 15
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

My SO told me when we first started dating that he wants to be married when he’s 28 or 29, but today we were joking about being abstinent for the next three years (inside joke.. we aren’t abstinent), and I was like, “yeah we might as well wait until we are married!”  He was like, “I don’t know about you but I’m not going to be married in 3 years!”  

I had to remind the fool that he is 26 now and he will be 29 in less than 3 years.  I’m in no rush since we are still in the first year of our relationship, but crap, 3 years from now I hope there’s SOME movement!  I have concluded that a majority of men have ZERO CONCEPT OF TIME,TIMELINES,DATES,FUTURE PLANS, REALITY, etc.  For those of you lucky women with men who understand those things, I’m so jealous haha. 

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