I know how you feel and am in kind of a similar situation. I’ll be a senior in college next year and my SO just graduated and is getting his Ph.D. We recently passed our 6th anniversary, shortly after which I asked him about it. We decided to move in together and I was kind of like, “if we’re committed, living together, planning on doing this eventually, then why haven’t you proposed yet?” I get all worked up about it hoping for a ring every Christmas, Valentines Day, Anniversary, and Birthday, and it hasn’t happened.
He says he wants to have the money for a nice ring (even though when I pointed out a six-hundred dollar ring a few years ago as something possibly inexpensive as an engagement ring he was SHOCKED at the price) and a nice wedding, and wants to see how much money he can save in the coming year. So then he says the proposal will be either in the coming year (which would be fantastic imo) or when we both get our Ph.Ds, which will be at least 5 years if things go really, really well. So yeah, for me, it could be around our 11th anniversary. Hopefully that’s the worst case scenario.
I am displeased with this possibility, though I know where it’s coming from.
Guys seem to have this “what’s the rush?” philosophy, while girls have the opposite “why wait?” philosophy.
He sees a high-cost wedding, while I see tax benefits for married couples still in school.
He sees marriage as being a distraction from his schoolwork, while I worry about a name change after my doctoral work causing problems for my professional success. (I very much want to take his name, and he wants me to, but I don’t think he’s considered the difficulty this could cause me).
He sees moving in together as a part of growing up, while I have always thought it would happen when we got married, and not much earlier.
He thinks that everyone will want us to start having kids right away once we get married, while I know my parents didn’t have me until five years into marriage (though I admit he might be right for everyone besides my parents and our unmarried friends).
I’m not certain that Mr. Bee’s plan will work if he already has this definitive notion of the right time to get married, so you might want to think about the definitive reasons you want to get married, and think about how you could financially make it work. Share these things with him, let him know the reasons why your timeline is shorter than his, and do it nicely rather than naggingly. After this conversation and making it clear that you would really like a much shorter timeline, then immediately implement Mr. Bee’s plan.
After three years if things have been going really well and you don’t have the mindset that you must be married before doing something else that you want soon (moving in together, having babies, buying a house, etc), then maybe you can find a way to deal with waiting, but that’s all up to you to work out.
I’ve decided that while I want to get married sooner, I could deal with unwedded cohabitational bliss for a few years more. Although I am not going to budge on only having kids after getting married (although I don’t think that will be an issue for him).
Hugs, hope everything works out for you!